The Bachelor Chris: Week 3 Full Recap

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Jimmy Kimmel crashed the party this week, basically ousting Chris Harrison as the host and 3rd wheeling it on the dates. He also brought his observation that the word “amazing” was just slightly overused in the house and promptly instilled a dollar jar for every time the word was uttered. We were also blessed with a counter every time someone was caught saying it on the episode.

Who got kicked off: The one’s with red X’s were sent home. Amber, Tracy, and Trina. 

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One-on-One: The first one-on-one of the week went to firecracker Kaitlyn. Her date card was unusually straight forward this time around. It said there would be unlimited appetizers and soaring views. A limo came to pick Kaitlyn up and whisked her and Chris off to…Costco. A-mazing. AND not only did they score a date to Costco, but they got a triple date with Jimmy Kimmel. And got to roll around in this.

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Jimmy Kimmel gave them a list of things to get for a dinner party they would be hosting for him. At the dinner party Kaitlyn got red lipstick all up on Chris and told him she had a man’s laugh and he had a girls laugh. And it was love.

When Jimmy asked Kaitlyn how she felt about Chris in the fantasy suite with other ladies, she said, “You can’t take a car out without test driving it.” So that’s Kaitlyn.

Group Date: Becca, Jillian, Kelsey, Mackenzie, Ashley S., Juelia, Amber, Jade, Carly, Tracy, Nikki

This group date was a farming challenge. Basically all things Jimmy Kimmel thinks happens on a farm. Pretty sure it had nothing to do with what Chris actually does on a day-to-day basis, but it was great nonetheless. The race included corn shucking, drinking unpasteurized goat’s milk, scooping manure, fetching chicken eggs, and wrangling a greased pig. We saw a lot of Jillian on this date. And mostly her backside. Jillian hopped the fence to the pig pen in an epic slow-motion, action movie way.

But it was Cruise Ship Singer Carly that won! And yet it was Becca that got the rose and is still one of the few ladies to NOT have kissed Chris.

One-on-One: Whitney got the next one-on-one at a vineyard, and her and Chris had the great impromptu idea of crashing a wedding. Spoiler alert. They both were equally terrible at crashing a wedding. Creating a back story and just any and all things involved with crashing a wedding were just not their fortay. For pete’s sake there’s a movie on it. When crashing a wedding, don’t make friends with the wedding party. It’s called incognito. Get on board. Also, don’t have a pow-wow with the bride and groom’s parents.

Pool Party #2 or The Cocktail Party that Wasn’t

There was a scandalous make-out session on a bed with an ex-playboy bunny (Jade). There were tears. There was plotting. That’s probably my favorite part – when a small group of girls, generally around 2 or 3 all huddle and announce that they’re going to steal Chris away from some other chick. And then they talk about it some more and get the approval of the other girls and then give a couple “Okay, okay I’m gonna do it”‘s before finally making their way as awkwardly as possible to break up the party. This episode I’m referring to Ashley I. and Mackenzie trying to steal Chris away from Jillian in the hot tub. Ashley I. broke down in tears at one point and then again when finally talking to Chris. Then she swallowed his face again in an intense make-out session.

But to start the party Juelia thought this was the best time to pull Chris aside and tell her about her really deep past. Talk about a mood killer. You could see it on Chris’s face. He was like, I’m trying so hard to listen to you right now but all I can think about are the 17 other girls in bikinis with drinks in the water right now, probably playing chicken. And dammit, what was she saying. Concentrate. Look concerned. Ah! Tears! Why are there tears?

Dude, Jueles, there’s a time and a place for that. Not the time. And certainly not the place. Definitely an important part of you, but not at a pool party.

Three more girls who we didn’t even have a chance to get to know left, taking us down to 15 ladies!

Jimmy also left the mansion in true Bachelor style – limo rolling out in the cover of night with the music playing, tears streaming down his cheeks, and talking to a hidden cameraman behind-the-scenes, crying, “We spent 4 days together!”

Next episode I hope we discover what happened in that tent they keep teasing, because it looks like plenty more tears are happening and Chris might finally get called out on his kissing frenzy.

EXTRA: Des and Chris are MARRIED! According to Chris Harrison’s blog, Desiree from season 9 of The Bachelorette and adorable baseball player Chris got married sans the televised production (much to ABC’s dismay I’m assuming). And as I’m sure you’ve already read Josh and Andi broke up like the day after the LIVE red carpet event for this season’s premiere.

The Bachelor Chris – Week 3 Quick Recap

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 Jimmy Kimmel made a guest appearance this week, waking Chris in his underwear and smartly planting a $1 “Amazing” jar in the girls’ mansion. We’re gonna be rich! Why Jimmy Kimmel you ask? Jimmy Kimmel has been incorporating Bachelor jokes into his comedy bits for a long time, but the best might have been a spoof he did with his nephew as Baby Bachelor. If you haven’t seen the video series, I’ll leave the first for you here.

Who got kicked off: The one with red X’s were sent home this week. AmberTracy, and Trina. Exactly. No one even remembers which ones those were.

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15 ladies left! And Ashley S. makes it another round! Likely because she didn’t get much airtime trying to compete with Jillian’s booty –really keeping those censorship workers in business. Full recap to follow! Until then enjoy this pictures of Jimmy and Chris Harrison bonding with the ladies in the mansion.

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The Bachelor Chris – Week 2 Full Recap

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This episode was just one big free for all. Chris Harrison was like, “There are no rules!” Do whatever you want! You want to twerk in the bathroom? You twerk in the bathroom. You want to ride around on tractors in your bathing suit? You ride around on tractors in your bathing suit. You want to go around and kill zombies. You get those zombies.

Who got kicked off: Technically, Kimberly was supposed to go home last week. But she came back, Chris gave her a second chance, and politely let her go a second time. Alissa the flight attendant, Jordan our resident twerker, Tandra, and Tara are out.

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Chris informed the girls that other Chris would be living in close quarters, easily accessible just down the road, convenient for late-night rendezvous.  

Ladies and gentlemen, we have our first spies. Jillian and one of the blonde chicks (Megan) do what any respectable Bachelorette contestant (or girlfriend in general) would do and snooped through Chris’ stuff while he was on a date.

Group Date: Trina, Alissa, Tracey, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashley S, Juelia, Kaitlyn, Brit

And the first date was…a pool party of course! I don’t know why I was so surprised by that. The sooner they can get the gang in bathing suites, the better. And why not keep them in their bathing suits for, you guessed it, a tractor race down the streets of LA. Because that sounds fun. Tractors are not fast vehicles. Ashley I. won the snail race and was rewarded with some one-on-one time with Chris.

Quote of the night: “I’m more Kardashian than I am country.” – Ashley I.

Mackenzie got some one-on-one time with Chris as well. “I think it’s sweet in a way,” one of the girls said in reference to Mackenzie getting one-on-one time while the rest of the ladies went back to the mansion. No you don’t. Don’t lie. Our single mom, Mackenzie, was able to tell Chris about her son. She also was able to let Chris know that she likes dudes with prominent noses and aliens. These women are really rocking the first date talk.

Chris: “The fact that she’s talking about aliens on the first date does raise a few red flags for me.” Just a few, Chris? And he gave her the rose on the date.

Meanwhile back at the mansion…

Jordan is twerking it and drunky drunk all day long. Open bar!

Juelia is telling her sad story and reveals she’s the second widow. Reminder: Kelsey is the other one.

megandateOne-on-One: Chris took Megan on a helicopter ride to the Grand Canyon where she revealed her father had just recently passed away. She also revealed that there’s not a lot going on upstairs.

Second Group Date: Chris took them to kill zombies with paintball guns. And this is where Ashley S. has a break with reality. She went World War Z on the town, shooting zombies already on the ground, walking out with purpose in her step and crazy on the brain. She also awkwardly interrupted Chris’ interview with the producers and gave profound life insight: “You don’t want to lose the whole world, but you don’t want to gain the whole world.” I really think something just wasn’t clicking in her brain. But good news, he kept her around, so we should find out more next episode!

On the group date Chris stole some one-one-one time with Brit, the one he gave the first impression rose to and locked lips with the first night. Chris gave her a “gift.” Ladies, this is not a gift. If a guy gives you a note that says, “Free kiss from Chris to Brit,” give it back. You know what’s a good gift, Chris? Earrings. Flowers. A trip to Mexico.

They made out. But that make out session did little to secure Brit a rose on the group date. The rose on the group date went to…Kaitlyn with the tricep tats.

The number of times Chris has called Kaitlyn a firecracker: 2

At the cocktail party

Ashley I. reveals she is the virgin Chris Harrison told us about. Surprise! She’s also, apparently, a genie. She had a two-piece, Jasmine-from-Alladin looking dress on with a belly button ring and told Chris he got 3 wishes if he rubbed. her. belly button. ring. That’s weird. His wish is for them to make out. Because that seems to be the only thing on his mind. And by make out, I mean Ashley is going to swallow his face. Princess Jasmine, Kim Kardashian, a genie, a virgin – I’m just so confused on what to believe.

Most Embarrassing Moment of the Night: Actually, maybe in Bachelor history. Jillian thought Chris called her name at the rose ceremony. He didn’t. Well, Jillian started making her way toward Chris and tripped on the carpet. It was amazing. Also, my question for the group. What does Jillian bench press at the house? Tables? Small children? The other ladies?

Tweets of the night:

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Tonight, January 19th, Jimmy Kimmel makes an appearance on The Bachelor!

The Bachelor Chris – Week 2 Quick Recap

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Turns out there are second chances on The Bachelor. Feel free the next time you’re rejected by someone, you just say, “Nah, that’s not gonna work for me. Immagonna stay.” Worked for Kimberly. Chris kept her around for one more episode before letting her know, nope, yeah you really gotta go.

Who got kicked off: Kimberly the yoga instructor (who was technically gone last week, but didn’t really leave, so I’m not really counting her), Alissa the flight attendant, Jordan (who shall now be deemed drunkie #2), Tandra (Tandra, who?), and Tara (drunkie #1) all took Alissa’s flight outta there.Bachelor-Board_Chrisweek2

A full recap will follow later this week. Until next time, Bachelor fans!

The Bachelor Chris – Week 1 Recap

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Chris contemplatively sitting on a Harley in a leather jacket overlooking his corn fields of hard work and sweat, the only thing missing a wife to share it with. Amurica.

I had so many oversights before the show. 1. Did not realize it was a 3 hour event. 2. Did I mention it was a 3 hour event? And WHAT a red carpet? Is this real life?

In true ABC fashion, they tried to suck air time away with a live red carpet event interviewing Bachelor/ette rejects and successes in unflattering ensembles. It’s the worst and yet greatest addition to the premiere. Now that they actually have success stories to parade around, they can make it into an even more produced event. I think Bachelor contestants are learning. The more love that you find, the more camera time you get (and the larger the rock!). We saw Andi and Josh, Sean and Catherine, Nikki and…oh wait. And good ol’ manfamewhore Chris Bukowski lurking in the background like a bad New Year’s Eve countdown where you’ve waited all day to make it on camera and strategically shift positions as that son-of-a-gun Jenny McCarthy starts her interviews and blocks your good side.

Who Got Kicked Off: Redhead out. Going home tonight were Amanda, Bo, Brittany, Kara, Kimberly, Michelle, Nicole, and Reegan. Here’s a tip. Don’t bring a human heart on the first date.Bachelor-Board_Chris_week1

 

First Impressions

Flight Attendant Alissa had a cute one. Thankfully this made up for her painfully cheesy extended intro The Bachelor did in her hometown or on a plane rather. She brought a seat belt, told him it was for his safety, and wrapped her arms around him to buckle him in.

Cruise Ship Singer Carly came out with a handheld karaoke machine and a bubblegum pink dress she borrowed from her 12-year-old niece. Sorry, 6-year-old flower girl.

Freddy Kruger Reegan came out with a cooler and a human heart. (She claims it was fake. I’m not so sure.) A cadaver saleswoman? You sell dead peoples’ skin? That’s a thing?? And even if it is. Don’t lead with that. Hi, I sell dead people.

Tara came in in some sexy-fine daisy dukes, legs for days, and plaid shirt, saying she was a country girl at heart. Chris was intrigued. It was perfect! Then she went back and ruined it by putting on a fancy dress and hopping back in the limo and making a second impression. Then she made a third impression, really effing up Chris’ mind, taking home the title of the token drunk. He doesn’t know what to think. Quit confusing him. He has 30 other ladies he’s trying to keep track of. Let’s play 50 shades of Tara. Except switch out shades for states and I think that’s already a show. And I’m pretty sure Kaitlyn has the other covered.

The Twist: Only 15 girls arrived, then they made it seem like those were all who were coming. The cocktail ceremony started and the first impression rose was handed out. Then the others came for a total of 30 girls. Mackenzie is our token single mom! And Kelsey is our widow. Seems random. But you’ll be glad I helped categorize these ladies for you.

And now for the awards

chrisweek1dressWinner of Where’s the Rest of that Dress? goes to…Brittany! – It’s like a really trashy realty tv version of Gone With the Wind, but instead of drapes, her dress is made of doilies, and instead of being rejected by Clark Gable, she’s sent back home by Millionaire Farmer Chris to continue her training as a WWE diva fighter. (True story. That’s her occupation.)

This was a close call between Brittany and Tara, but Tara just had so many other nominations – Best First impression. Worst second impression. Most drunky. Lucky the Producers Convinced Chris to Keep Her…

And let’s talk about the girl who brought the human heart (ahem, Reegan). Wtf?

Best Comment of the night – Tracy in reference to the fact that there were 30 girls salivating at the chance to grab some one-on-one time with Chris. “The strategy is not to let him come to you.” I like when they talk strategy.

 Although, I suppose strategy is better than talking about onions. Or pomegranates.

These are the ladies you should watch out for.

Jillian – And not because I think she’s a frontrunner. But because I think she could take you dowwwwn. Tenacious is an understatement. The hulk is more accurate. She’s a TV producer and can apparently bench press more than most of your guy friends.

Chrisweek1fireBritt - Because I think she is a frontrunner…maybe by the fact that she got the first impression rose and that they had an intense make-out session by the fire immediately thereafter on night one. Just a guess.

Kaitlyn - He called her a firecracker. Which to be fair she was wearing a red dress so i can see how that would be confusing. She had birds tattooed on her triceps and makes a joke about a tight seal and everyone awkwardly laughs.

Whitney - Whitney is a fertility nurse. You can find her by the high-pitched squeaky voice and dogs traipsing behind her. Sorry, not kind. But kind of true.

Ashley S. - Because she’s legit crazy. Which reminds me…

It’s time to play Drunk or Legit Crazy? Today’s episode includes, Kara, Crazy Eyes, Firecracker Bird Tats, Reegan, Tara and Kimberly. Cast your votes below.

 

If you’d like to nominate a girl for “Drunk or Legit Crazy” please let me know in the comments section and I’m sure we’ll have more later this season.

Then things got weird. I got super confused by Ashley S. who started talking about onions and pointing to imaginary onions asking the camera to zoom in. Then she picks a pomegranate. Um, yeah. I got nothing. 

Mackenzie brought water colors. I love all the throwbacks to kindergarden this episode. Carly with her dress and Mackenzie with her artwork. They should have snack time with Tara. It looks like she could use it right about now.

The Cliffhanger! Kimberly the yoga instructor decided she need to go back in after she had been rejected. Kimberly…Kim…Kimmmm. Don’t do it! Don’t go back! Harness your zen! Do. Not. Go. Back. In. She’s going back in.

Boom. Cut to the season’s previews, including a little rendezvous in a tent that seems to send all the ladies spiraling out of control.

22 ladies are left, and a bajillion cornfield jokes await us, Bachelor Fans. Get Alissa to buckle you up; this season is going to be a good one. Starting with finding out what happens to Kimberly.

I have to say I’m pretty excited for this season. I don’t know if it’s because Juan Pablo has set the bar so low, but Chris could be the seemingly wholesome All-American boy The Bachelor needed to get it back on track.

Until next week, Monday, 8 | 7c!

Season 19 of The Bachelor – Meet Chris Soules

Season 19 of The Bachelor starts tonight!! If you’re like me, you’ve been anxiously anticipating this season! Here is everything you need to know before you pop open that bottle of bubbly (or wine) and your Bachelor viewing parties get underway – a little refresher for some, a cheat sheet for others.

Meet Chris Souleschrissoules

Chris’s Bio

Where do you know him from? Chris was sent home on Andi’s season (Season 9) of The Bachelorette.

How old is Chris Soules? 33 years old

How tall is he? 6’1”

Where is Chris Soules from? He grew up in Lamont, Iowa and now resides in Arlington, Iowa

How many siblings does he have? 3 sisters

What college did Chris Soules attend? Iowa State University. He studied agronomy and agriculture.

Fun Fact: He’s been engaged before. It was a seven-year relationship that he ended months before his wedding date. Umm….red flags?

The Big Question: Is he a millionaire? According to celebrity news sources, Chris Harrison spilled the beans about Chris’s wealthy status in an interview with USA Today. Chris Harrison said, “I think people are going to very much fall in love with this guy. He’s a small-town farmer from Iowa, fourth-generation land baron. If you say he’s just a farmer, you’re missing it. He’s a millionaire. Very good-looking guy. He really wants to find a wife and live the American dream.” 

I’m sorry say that again, Chris. Land baron? A baroness I will be? Sign me up.

I can just anticipate all of the jokes sure to arrive: Prince Farming. Tilling the soil. Plowing the land. Drinking game board soon to follow. I cannot wait for the Fantasy Suite episode promotions.

Meet Chris’ Ladies

And this year we have a myriad of PhD’s and doctors and Nobel Peace Prize winners. Just kidding. We’re still keeping it real with a nice mix of flight attendants, teachers, and dancers. Take Alissa for example. She’s a flight attendant AND a yoga instructor. Oh wait, I lied about the doctors. We do have a fertility specialist in the house. Lots of California kids. And one (Mackenzie) that’s just barely able to legally drink. And what season wouldn’t be complete with a handful of Ashley’s? But the winner? That would have to go to Tara the Sport Fishing Enthusiast. (Almost as great as JJ the Pantstrepreneur. Aw, miss that kid.) Fun fact: she also has an identical twin. So fear not. There’s more where that came from. 

This year we also apparently have too many young ladies to choose from because there are 30 ladies this season (more than the typical 25) vying for Chris’s heart. Bring on the estrogen!

And I think that calls for snap judgment time!! Exactly what you think it is – when I snap judge the 30 girls based solely on their ABC profiles. Woot! Let’s get going.

Carly – Cruise Ship Singer. On her questionnaire she answered the question What’s the most romantic present you have ever received? with…

A handpicked flower from his walk to pick me up. Something about a man twirling a flower in his fingers…so sweet and thoughtful.

Girl, if the most romantic present you ever got was a handpicked, secondhand flower that he picked as an afterthought because he was like “Oh, crap, I better show up with something. Hmm. This’ll do,” we have a problem. We need to introduce you to this magical place called Tiffany’s.

Screen shot 2015-01-05 at 2.30.13 AMKudos to Kara for rocking the animal print and flutter sleeves to boot – 70’s a great era.

Juelia with an “e.” Naturally.

Blonde count: 13

Brunette count: 15

Screen shot 2015-01-05 at 2.31.44 AMAnd 1 token redhead and let’s not even get started on the fact there is only one black girl.

For the full list of the Bachelor cast visit ABC’s site.

But the big questions remain: Who will be the first to cry? And which one is the token single mom?

 

Get ready, Bachelor Fans!!! It all starts – the tears, the dates, and the parade of prom dresses – tonight at 8pm!!

All You Need to Know About The Bachelor in Paradise Without Having to Watch

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It’s week 3 of ABC’s new show and Bachelor Pad replacement, Bachelor in Paradise. Essentially it is The Bachelor Pad without the cash at the end. I know you have all been dying to know what’s been happening and the latest developments. So I’ve put together a few bullets and a bonus recap of week 2 (because you CANNOT miss that one) to save you 6 hours of television greatness and to wow your friends with your Bachelor in Paradise knowledge.

Credit: ABC.com

How it works

Similar to Bachelor Pad but without the dough, Bachelor in Paradise is about coupling up and finding the love of your life as a revolving door of hot, eligible bachelors and bachelorettes join and exit the island.

Location: Mexico

Dates: Each week either the men or women are in charge of handing out the roses at the rose ceremony, determining who gets to stay on the island and who is packing their bags home. Random date cards are handed out to individuals on the island who get to choose who they want to bring along and have one-on-one time with outside of the island resort.

Roses: The roses are supposed to signify a person’s desire to get to know the other. Each week they alternate between the remaining group of guys and girls to hand out the roses at the rose ceremony.

The Twist: Each week more bachelors and bachelorettes join the island, keeping the pickings fresh and opening more possibilities for love (and heartbreak).

The Cast: For a complete list of bachelor/ettes to enter and exit the island, visit ABC’s site here.

BONUS WEEK 2 RECAP

If you only watch one episode, watch week 2. It might be the best thing you do all summer.

It starts with the best reenactment on reality television ever produced.

The Reenactment: Beginning with an interview with one of the crew members, we find out the real reason Michelle K. voluntarily left after the first episode of the season. I mean we all assumed she was crazy, but apparently she had a little fling going on with one of the crew members, which is a big no-no in Bachelor land. It guarantees you a ticket home and a pink slip…and in this case, two broken feet.

What Happened: Michelle K. was fooling around with this crew member when Chris Harrison knocked on her door. The crew member, Ryan Putz, got spooked and fearing for his job rushed out to the balcony. Misjudging the drop to the ground, he jumped, breaking both feet. At the time he was making his leap of faith, another crew member was escorting Elise to the show’s psychiatrist. Pause.

Two takeaways from this exchange: 1) They have an on-site psychiatrist because that’s how much this show can mess you up. And 2) That dude jumped off of a balcony because he’d rather risk an injury than get caught with Michelle K.

And we’re back. So he was caught, sent to the hospital, and he admitted on camera what had happened. The crew member who found him and was narrating the reenactment started to chuckle as she was relaying the encounter. And that is the story behind why Michelle K. took herself off of the show.

Elise and Dylan: The rest of the episode was composed of interviews with Elise talking about her love for Dylan and the “bump in their relationship.” That “bump” would be her make-out session in the ocean with Chris Bukowski, after Dylan told her they should both meet other people on the island, because he did not want to be shackled with Elise. There were so many cliches mixed in with her speeches, it was difficult to keep up.

Then! Then! At the end of the episode, Elise offered the rose to Dylan despite him specifically telling her (on more than one occasion) that he would not accept it! Dylan refused it and Elise made a speech to the entire cast. No one knew what she was saying and exchanged uncomfortable glances and suppressed smiles. She rambled on for a good 5 minutes. At one point, the lines from your typical wedding vows, “to have and to hold in sickness and in health,” popped in there. It was beyond fantastic. And the whole time Dylan stood awkwardly by her side, waiting for her to finish. Then after all of that Dylan did not get a rose from another girl and was sent home. It was amazing.

Please read Possessionista’s recap of the premiere. It’s on the money.

Everything Else You Need to Know:

Ben left because he had a girlfriend back home. Surprise, surprise. I never liked that guy when he was on The Bachelorette and I still don’t like him.

Marquel is getting all the ladies. He’s been on at least 3 dates so far – Michelle Money, Danielle Ronco, and Jackie Parr. This last episode he chose to give his rose to Jackie.

The bachelor/ette contestants refer to living life on the island as YOPO. That’s right. YOPO. You Only Paradise Once. Yup.

Can someone please find us an interpreter for Elise because I have no idea if these are sentences she is stringing together or if they’re real words or if she’s stealing lines from television shows? It’s concerning.

Elise’s speech: “Dylan and I can overcome this storm. I as a woman deserve 100 percent and a man that’s gonna fight for her. I know that you know that life brings a lot of ups and downs…” Nevermind. Got it. It’s cliches.

AshLee Frazier has laid claim to Graham Bunn and Graham is not about that.

Lacy paired up with Robert, then immediately kicked him to the curb when Marcus gave her a rose at the first rose ceremony and has been batting creepy, love eyes to Marcus ever since. Robert’s still just chilling.

Clare’s still going on about finding a guy exactly like her dad. In essence, it hasn’t changed a bit since the time she was on Juan Pablo’s season. She’s coupled up with Zach, but Zach is all about meeting new people.

Michelle Money and Sarah Herron have yet to find a connection with one of the guys on the island.

Chris Bukowski is back and hasn’t changed a bit. Still a womanizing man whore, he went after Elise, because he sensed she was the weakest link and his best shot at staying on the island. Then he popped his knee right before his date with Elise. After a visit to the doctor, it was decided he would have to leave paradise. Karma’s cruel, Chris.

WEEK 3 HIGHLIGHTS

Chris Bukowski gave his rose to Michelle Money because he thought she deserved to find love. Then he asked Elise to leave with him because his knee injury meant he could no longer be on the island. Elise took the bait and after only knowing him for 3 days? (1 day? An hour? Unimportant. Love has no timeline. ), she agreed to run off with him living happily ever after. There’s no way that “relationship” lasts outside of the limo ride home. My conspiracy theory is the producers used Chris as a scapegoat to get Elise outta there and preserve some form of decency associated with the Elise name.

There is no way this show makes it another season, but I have to say I am pleasantly entertained. How are you feeling about it so far, Bachelor Fans?

 

The Bachelorette Andi: Season Finale Recap! And an Inside Look at the Fantasy Suite

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Welp. The secret’s out. Apparently more than just “talking” and “getting to know each other” happens in the Fantasy Suite. And Nick took that dirty laundry out. to. dry. Great, thanks, Nick, for ruining the mystery of the Fantasy Suite for me.

That’s right Andi’s sex life was on blast last night. At least 3 different occasions it came up. First by Nick. Then by Andi herself and then her fiance. Spoiler alert: Andi chooses Josh and Josh’s lie (from way back when) was that he prefers blondes. Don’t worry Andi assured us she has a blonde wig to ameliorate this situation. Josh made a crack that they were trying to have kids, after Andi put those pregnancy rumors…to bed.  

Speaking of, those babies are going to be ridiculously attractive. I mean just look at them. IMG_0714

Who does she choose? If you haven’t guessed by now, the winner of Season 10‘s The Bachelorette is baseball-loving, tall, dark, and handsome man Josh who professed his love for Andi, picked out a honkin’ rock, got down on one knee, and proposed.

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Meet the parents! Before Andi made her final pick, the men got to meet the family. After the Fantasy Suite dates, they’re all still in the Dominican Republic, wearing muumuus and sipping tropical drinks. Andi’s fam bam got a nice vacation out to the islands. The boys met Andi’s dad (Sidenote: his name is Hy. How great is that?), Andi’s mom Patti, and Andi’s sister. Let’s see how the two fellas stacked up.

Nick expressed how much he loved Andi and made Patti tear up. Point for Nick. Andi told her sister that Nick can take one look at her and really see her. She also talked about how passionate and romantic he was. Dad time: Nick sat down with Andi’s dad and asked for his permission to marry Andi citing, “There’s a connection with your daughter that I don’t know what it is.” Great, that’s very helpful Nick. The dad was supportive of their union.

Josh: Upon greeting him, Andi called him “Babe.” Point for Josh. Andi’s dad said on first impression, “This guy doesn’t have a prayer.” Point for Dad. Andi admitted to her family that upon initially meeting Josh, she had stereotyped him and written him off as just like the previous men she had dated. However Josh surprised her every time she would challenge him and he would step up and share deeper connections. Dad time: Andi’s dad told Josh, “You have my blessing. The only thing you need to worry about is hers.”

Last Dates: After meeting the family, each of the dudes got one last date with Andi. Andi took Josh on a yacht on the Carribbean. It was supposed to be reminiscent of their first date of sailing across the Mediterranean. They like their seas. And baseball. Did I mention Josh likes baseball? You mean to tell me that’s irrelevant here? Oh, I just wanted to make sure you knew.

Josh gave Andi what other than her very own baseball card! Which I know it’s another baseball-themed thing, but I loved it. (I’m also biased because baseball is my favorite sport. And I’m not just saying that because dudes like Josh, Chris Siegfried, and Roberto come from the sport. Though it helps.)

The Murrays Baseball Card: Josh made Andi her very own baseball card! Adorbs. Not only that, but he put Andi’s last name as his own and wrote her a letter about wanting to make her his wife. A cute part of the baseball card was that it had fun facts. One of which was that “Josh has never gone a day without saying I love you to Andi.”

Nick’s Date: The pair went off-roading to a lagoon. They had snacks and swam in the water. Back at the hotel, they had champagne and Nick had difficulty expressing what he was thinking, talking in stilted sentences. Andi kept trying to reassure him not to be nervous. Nick gave her a necklace with a bottle of sand from one of their dates. Nick is always thinking and analyzing, but said he could turn it off when he was with Andi. Then he brought up his Debbie Downer feelings about his last engagement, where he woke up that day and knew something wasn’t right.

Cut to Josh picking out rings. A huge, honkin’ ring, which according to WetPaint is worth a whopping $100k.

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There is a voiceover of Andi explaining the things she likes about each of the final two men standing. She describes feelings of giddiness when she’s with Josh, and the struggle between her heart and her brain because she wants to believe he’s not like the previous professional athletes she’s dated. With Nick she describes their relationship as passionate, both on an intellectual level and a physical connection.

There is a knock on Nick’s door. It’s supposed to be from Neil Lane so Nick can pick out a ridiculously huge diamond ring. But no. It’s Andi. Dun dun dun dun. Cut to live studio audience and a huge collective gasp. Sidenote: Can I just express how much I hate that we pan back to the studio audience now, especially when we have to listen to the fan favorite’s give their moot opinions? It might be worse than the Suave commercials. Or the bleachable moments. I can’t decide. Poll below.

Fan Favorites: No one cares. Claire, my least favorite person on last season’s show, got to say a couple words and shocker somehow made it about her. Drew got to give his insight on the whole thing. I had forgotten about Drew and that adorable smile. And what’s that? Michelle Money is back. Of course she is. That girl just doesn’t leave. And good news. We’ll get all that cray cray on Bachelor in Paradise! Woot woot!

Alright, back to the show. Andi told Nick, “I woke up and felt something wasn’t right.” That’s not fair, Andi. That’s not the same thing. Don’t try to spin his words and use that as your out. So context: Nick had told Andi the night before that when he was engaged previously, he woke up one morning and knew that something wasn’t right, not on his end, but that he sensed something was up with his future wife. Andi is trying to use that same logic for her reasoning of why she’s breaking up with him. Andi, you knew you were in love with Josh. It’s not like you knew something wasn’t right.

“When did you start feeling like this?” He asked her. She skirted the question but did tell Nick that one of the reasons she was not choosing him was that there was so much intensity between them and she pictured their life as them overanalyzing every single moment. Nick was crushed. He had so much trouble getting out the words. “When I told you I loved you, I don’t know how you can look at me the way you did and reacted the way that you did. When we were in the water and I said I love you you said, ‘I wish I could say things back.’”

Needs to Happen: Maybe the self-proclaimed @Overanalyst Jenna Burke (also known as the crier from Ben Flajnik’s Season 16 of The Bachelor) and Nick should get together. Done. Just call me a matchmaker. Then they could have overanalytical children that make up strategy for Andi and Josh’s baseball children. Did I mention Josh plays baseball?

Andi could have used the I-feel-stronger-about-this-person excuse that most bachelor/ettes use. Nick told her that he hoped she was “a million percent sure.” That’s a lot of sures, Nick.

Men Tell All Flashback: Chris Harrison let us know that after the break up Nick had tried several times, unsuccessfully, to see Andi. Behind-the-scenes of Men Tell All was one of those times. What you didn’t see was that Nick came to see her. ABC also interviewed Nick’s mom, which was heart crushing. The poor kid got rejected twice after he’d gotten to a point of engagement with two ladies. That can’t be a picnic. Chris Harrison, the mediator (one of his many roles on the show), asked Andi if she wanted to see Nick. She said it wasn’t the right time. So Nick politely gave Chris a letter to give Andi and left. I was secretly hoping the letter was the storybook Part II. Alas, we will never know.

After the Final Rose

Andi and Nick finally came face-to-face and sh*! went down.

Andi was immediately on her guard, stone-faced and cold to Nick. Nick was heartbroken and trying to keep it together. Then Nick disarmed Andi by thanking her for helping him find that love again and for the way she made him feel. Then he went in for the kill, not purposefully, but it was amazing nonetheless. Nick broke the golden, unwritten rule and asked Andi…wait for it. Are you paying attention?

Question of the night:

He asked Andi, “If you weren’t in love with me, then why did you make love to me?” This was in response to Andi’s denial of her being in love with him. Andi handled it gracefully and reasonably like a trained lawyer. After citing that he just threw her under the bus, she told him, “The things I did with you and said to you were real” and the reason she went to see him instead of putting him through the rose ceremony and picking out rings was that she knew how much he had been affected by his last engagement. And her relationship with him meant something to her. Andi said, “I wasn’t in love with Nick and that’s why I didn’t say it.” That and you’re contractually obligated not to utter those words. Andi did admit that it was real for her, all of the things she told him and felt when they were together, saying “I wasn’t going to let you do that again and that’s because I did care about you and the relationship we had.”

“You had a great relationship.” Chris Harrison told the two. “Otherwise he wouldn’t have been in your final two.” Oh, Chris Harrison aka resident Bachelor/ette psychologist/therapist, you are so wise.

Bring Out the Fiance! Josh and Andi looked so happy in love and damn do they make a good looking couple.

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Image Credit: Twitter @ItzAllAboutAnna

Grumpy Cat: Special guest Grumpy Cat made an appearance on After the Final Rose. What is Grumpy Cat doing on The Bachelorette, you may ask. And to you I say, Why wouldn’t Grumpy Cat be on every single show? There’s been a meme floating around about Andi’s signature frown. It is fantastically similar to the Grumpy Cat frown.

And so ends Season 10 of The Bachelorette. Andi and Josh said there were already plans for a wedding.

Never fear, you won’t be out of Bachelor fun for long. Next Monday, August 4th is the premiere of Bachelor in Paradise, bringing back fan favorites for another shot at lust love.

 

Tweets of the Night:

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The Bachelorette Andi: The Men Tell All

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A compilation of flashbacks to shirtless men hanging around the house, a slew of Bachelor in Paradise commercials (they are really pushing this one), and the lie detector test results we all desperately wanted to know kicked off The Men Tell All episode.

Credit: Zap2it.com

Credit: Zap2it.com

The show started with all of the men wearing scarves, playing off the unintentional theme of the season. After that they cut to a recap of the season, and showed the mens’ reactions to all of the comments.

What-the-What of the Night:

You thought they had done it all. A live break up. A live switcheroo (ahem Jason and Molly Mesnick). But you know what we haven’t done? A live ultrasound. I feel as though a picture would have sufficed, or some other way to announce the sex of the baby like colored balloons being freed into the studio audience, or a big sign unveiled with pink or blue confetti, or a giant cake that Chris Harrison pops out of with the test results. But no. Let’s bring in an ultrasound technician and put some goop on her belly. To catch you up to speed, JP and Ashley (one of my favorite couples and one of the few Bachelor/ette success stories) are pregnant! They didn’t know if it was a boy or a girl and agreed to find out with the rest of America on The Men Tell All. ABC put the ultrasound on the big screen and Chris harrison’s face popped up. The chuckles were followed by a dramatic pause, and the technician announced they would be having a boy! #Wehadababyitsaboy

A good majority of the episode was stirring up trouble and addressing the racist remarks Andrew was accused of muttering at one of the earlier rose ceremonies.

Hot Seat Participants:

Each of the following men had some quality one-on-one time with Chris Harrison on the hot seat. As they took their seated position on the couch across from Chris, a reel of their time on The Bachelorette played on the screen, sprinkled with Andi’s commentary mostly about their good looks and sweet characters.

Marquel

marquelMarquel’s flashback reel included snapshots of his ridiculously chiseled frame and his first night on the show where he brought a platter of cookies and had Andi sample each one (especially the black and white cookie – I see what you did there), which is how he earned his nickname of “The Cookie Monster.” As always, Marquel was looking dapper last night, sporting brightly colored pants, a patterned shirt and socks, and a chocolate chip cookie pinned to his lapel to complete the look. He talked to Chris Harrison about his descent into the friend zone, and made a cute joke about how he missed the memo that all of the other men in the house had started to kiss Andi. Now before you start bemoaning his quick departure from Andi’s season, you should know that sweet Marquel will be just fine and picking back up on Bachelor in Paradise. And finally, in Marquel fashion, he brought a basket of black and white cookies to throw into the audience. He’s adorbs.

Marcus

As per usual, he didn’t have much to say. Or I tuned out. Either way, I doubt there was much to take away from this interaction. There is one interesting tidbit of information you will learn about Marcus later, though. Keep reading to find out. And never fear, you’ll get to see more of Marcus on Bachelor in Paradise, along with personal trainer Cody.

Chris and Marcus before the show. Credit: Marcus Grodd's Twitter

Chris and Marcus before the show. Credit: Marcus Grodd’s Twitter

Chris

As farmer Chris was talking to host Chris, some dark-haired, tanned girl in a cream-colored romper raised her hand. Yes, you heard correctly. Literally raised her hand to be called on. JJ exchanged an amused look with Marquel. The hand-raising worked. They called her down onto the stage to talk to Chris. The Chris-es had been discussing how difficult it was to date in a small town and what Chris planned on doing next for his love life. The dark beauty said she related to his struggles, having come from a small town in Canada, and expressed interest in dating him. Chris Harrison happily facilitated a speed date during the commercial break.

Lie Detector Test Results!

Finally they brought out Andi (looking gorgeous as ever) to face all of her exes, and Chris Harrison had a surprise in store. Low and behold, he had the test results Andi ripped up in Italy! He read them to the studio audience. Brian, JJ, and Farmer Chris were the ones who were lie-free. Marcus, Dylan, and Josh on the other hand have some ‘splaining to do.

Marcus told one lie: he has slept with fewer than 20 women.

Dylan told two lies: he prefers brunettes and is ready for marriage. (Dylan’s response to the results: “This sucks.”)

And Josh told one lie. Chris gave Andi the option to know or not know Josh’s lie, but told her if Josh was one of his final two this particular lie would be one he would want to know. That’s just mean, Chris Harrison. Brian and Dylan told her not to do it, and she heeded their advice, choosing to continue to remain in the dark.

Bloopers

Andi had her very own blooper reel. There was someone flushing the toilet as she was talking in one of her interviews. There was Andi taking her nosespray, telling them not to put it on the bloopers. There was the camera crew wrecking Nick’s house. And of course, Brian’s fear of pickles.

So to recap.
The Bachelorette Finale: Monday, July 28 at 8|7c
Bachelor in Paradise Premiere: Monday, August 4 at 8|7c
Coach Brian’s still afraid of pickles.
And Nick made a storybook.
Vote! Who do you think Andi chooses?
 

The Bachelorette Andi: Week 8 Fantasy Suite Dates

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All that stands in between the finale and Andi’s happily ever after is The Men Tell All episode.

Who got kicked off: Gone is Farmer Chris, and the hearts of women across America sighed in disappointment. Though, I don’t know why. That frees him up for all you ladies!

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Nick

They wore matching bathing suits and played in the sand on their own private beach. Then. Then. Are you paying attention? Then, Nick busted out a storybook. It brought me back to all of the poetry from previous seasons. It was a book he had made, detailing his and Andi’s love story. Are there pictures? I asked hopefully. Ask and you shall receive. Complete with colored pencil drawings, Nick proceeded to read through the book. Afterwards he pulled Andi aside, away from the cameras, and listed off all of the things he loved about her, all of the things he couldn’t say directly with the storybook. This fantastic storybook. Then he told her he loved her. I may have to fight off @the_hunt_club for rights to this book.

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possessionistascarfJosh

Josh and Andi had another hanging-out-with-the-locals date around the Domincan Republic, where Josh could show off his Spanish-speaking skills and make Andi’s heart go pitter-patter. They danced merengue in the street, terribly mind you, but with tons of enthusiasm. Then they played baseball with a bunch of kiddos. At one point they were sitting on a park bench making out and Josh told her he loved her. They had their own personal fireworks display and went back to the Fantasy Suite.

Chris

Chris and Andi went horseback riding in a wide, expansive field and then played another round of Ghosts in the Graveyard. I always called it Sardines, but apparently there is another name for it. In any case, dinner rolled around and the tears came out. Andi started sobbing because she told Chris she was going to send him home, right then and there. No rose ceremony. No trip to the Fantasy Suite. In the words of Andrea Lavinthal, Director of PEOPLE Style & Beauty, “It’s not you. It’s Iowa.” While Andi told Chris she can’t just blame it on Iowa, I’m pretty sure that was a big determining factor. There is a ton of speculation that Chris will be the next Bachelor. People on Twitter seem to adore him. I know I’m going to get pushback from this, but I don’t understand the pull to Chris. Can someone tell me what I’m missing?

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Rose Ceremony

Only two men left. Andi wanted to have the rose ceremony despite the fact that there were only two men left because she wanted to make sure they knew it was a two-way street and to give them the opportunity to say no. Seems a little late for that, but sure.

Andi: “This is a two-way street.” So tell me now to make my decision easier. I added the part in italics. But you get the gist.

Extras

Parody Twitter Accounts: Discovered this gem: A Josh’s Scarf Twitter handle, called @ScarfofJosh. If you’ll remember we had Ben Flajnik’s hair (@BenFlajniksHair), Sean Lowe’s abs (@SeanLowesAbs), and Tierra’s eyebrow (@TierrasEyebrow) from seasons past.

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Andi’s Fashion: I want Andi’s entire wardrobe from this season. Seriously though, that black and white maxi dress she wore when she sent Chris home is everything. Blogger Possessionista has you covered with Andi’s Overnight Fashion. Take a peek at her blog for all of the fashion from this season.

Next week is The Men Tell All before The Bachelor Finale!

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