Couples Update: Ashley Salter is Pregnant AND Getting Married!

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Instagram @absalt

Photo Credit: Ashley Salter Instagram @absalt

US Weekly tells us Ashley Salter is engaged to her college sweetheart Austin Brannen. That’s right! Not to be outdone by Ali Fedotwosky’s baby announcement and engagement, Ashley Salter, 25, was close on her heels. Wipe it out in one fell swoop — that’s the way these Bachelor old timers are doing it these days. It is all or nothing! This also comes closely behind Sean Lowe and Catherine Giudici’s baby announcement. Babies all around! I hope they all take simultaneous lamaze classes and have little tiny Bachelor playdates. Jimmy Kimmel’s Baby Bachelor spinoff doesn’t seem so far off now does it?

Ashley S. announced the engagement over Instagram with the most clever caption: 12 is better than 1 rose. Oh snap, son. How you like dem onions, Bachelor Nation?

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Bustle wants you to send a congratulatory basket of onions, but I would argue for a nice assortment of onions and pomegranates, spread the love.

I really hope the reception is at the Mesa Verde. With paint ball guns. And zombies. And Chris Soules.

In all seriousness, congrats to the happy couple!

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Photo Credit: US Weekly courtesy of Erica Rose

Also, fun fact. Anyone remember Erica Rose? Let me jog your memory. She was on Season 9 of The Bachelor with Prince Lorenzo and then again on Bachelor Pad twice, tiara-clad. Erica Rose, 32, is expecting as well! Babies all around. Erica Rose is not engaged, but considers herself engaged to Galen Gentry. They met at Gentry Law Group where he is an attorney and she is in charge of business development.

You will see them and Ali and a bunch of other Bachelor/ette couples appearing on the Valentine’s Day special of Jade and Tanner’s nuptials. So much love to go around. It must be that time for Bachelor/ette babies.

 

The Bachelor Ben H: Quick Recap Week 5

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The crew went to Mexico City. Jubilee went home early. Olivia got a rose on a group date and threw some shade Amanda’s way. Emily was like hells no and told Ben and now we’ve come to an impasse.

Who got kicked off: Jubilee was sent home on a group date after she asked Ben to validate his feelings for her. She also asked him this after rejecting his offer to hold hands. Ben escorted her out. Then Jubilee took a line from Ben’s book and threw Ben’s “unloveable” comment around. Take that, Ben.

Bachelor-Board_BenHweek5part1One-on-One: Single Mom Amanda got the one-on-one. They went on a hot air balloon ride over “one of the largest cities of the ancient world.” And Ben was spitting facts like a boss. They had a picnic where Ben couldn’t keep his hands off of her.

What we found out this episode: Amanda wakes up looking perfect at 4:20am, exactly like Britt from season’s past.

Second One-on-One: The second one-on-one went to kindergarten teacher Lauren H. Ben made her model down the runway of a fashion show in Mexico City. On the runway as he was passing by her (because of course Ben was modeling too), he gave her an adorable look.

Quote of the Night: Quote of the Night goes to JoJo in reference to the delicious food they made in Mexico.

“Ben already tasted my taco and loved it.”

Anyone up for Taco Tuesday? Anyone? No takers? #awkotaco

Group Date: First, we get to revisit the inside of a classroom. Another fun fact we learned this episode: Ben likes to learn. And The Bachelor budget is a pittance. Ben took the ladies to a Spanish class, where the ladies learned how to speak the language…kinda, sorta. Then came the assignment. The ladies and Ben were instructed to pair up and buy ingredients in Spanish and make a meal together. Jubilee and Olivia fought over partnering with Ben. Olivia won. It was awkward. Apparently, Olivia also has bad breath in addition to her cankles and fat toes. Alright, let’s take it down a notch people. We need to give some airtime to #OliviasMouth.

Olivia got the rose on the group date much to everyone’s dismay. All of the ladies revolted and answered Ben’s prying questions about what was going on in the house. They put Olivia on blast.

Cocktail Party:

Olivia made mention to Teen Mom when referring to Amanda. Emily was especially offended for Amanda and told Ben. Ben polled the women. Do you like Olivia? Do you like Olivia? How ’bout you? Where do we stand on Olivia? And then proceeded to pull Olivia aside at the end of the cocktail party to get things straightened out.

ABC left it to be continued with a preview of things getting real. There was also a teaser during Bachelor Live that Ben tells two ladies he loves them. (I did not watch Bachelor Live. Okay, maybe I did. But I will not admit to it!)

Full recap to come. (Maybe. This one might suffice.)

Until then, pick a side.

 

 

The Bachelor Ben H: Quick Recap Week 4

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Vegas! Home of The Twins and where Ben so Kindly dropped them off

This week was a confusing set of challenges for viewers. There were people jumping out of cakes dancing awkwardly. We still aren’t certain as to which Twin is on camera at which time and no one can figure out who Rachel was. But that’s why I’m here for you. Rachel was unemployed. Hayley was not Emily and Olivia is still here. You’re welcome.

Who got kicked off: It is with great sadness we said good-bye to one of the twins this episode. Does that mean we still keep the other one’s occupation listed as “Twin”? I feel that’s deceiving. Hayley was let go. If you understood exactly which one that was right away, bonus points for you. If you were like me and scrambling for the remote looking back and forth across the TV trying to figure out who the blazes was crying, extra bonus points for you. Amber pulled a Lindsey Yenter and took off her shoes to properly exit after being rejected by Ben because you know 3 strikes you’re out.* Maybe we can find a different way to find love, Amber. Reality television just might not be it. And also Rachel went home. No one remembers who she was.

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I’m going to miss having the twins around.

If you haven’t seen Sean Lowe’s season of The Bachelor, Lindsay Yenter immediately took off her heels and walked barefoot away from Sean after being rejected by him for Catherine Giudici. It’s actually pretty funny to watch. You can relive that moment here. Lindsay Yenter, fun fact, is now Lindsay Swanson and tied the knot in September 2015 according to Twitter and Instagram.

Full Recap actually related to Monday night’s shenanigans coming soon.

The Bachelor Ben H: Recap Week 3

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TEARS, TEARS, AND MORE TEARS. I TOLD YOU WE COULD DO BETTER. OLIVIA’S MOUTH IS NOW PLASTERED ALL OVER THE INTERNET, POSSIBLY WINE BOTTLES. INSECURITIES ARE RUNNING RAMPANT, STARTING WITH Jubilee ENDING WITH Lace.

Who got kicked off: The ones with red X’s were sent home. Lace voluntarily took herself out of the running because she had to work on herself, and she most definitely didn’t want to be pegged as crazy. (Fun fact: Bachelor Live tells us there’s an offer for her appearance on Bachelor in Paradise.) Jami and Shushanna got the boot.

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New Role: JoJo now has a new role as house therapist. Poor JoJo, she had to listen to two crying sessions last week, the first one being Caila.

Caila: “It’s just hitting me that I could potentially have my heart broken if I fall in love with him. I don’t want to be guarded, but I’m acknowledging the fact that it’s gonna be hard. It’s hard to have an open heart when you see that it could be broken.” Yes, that was a long quote. Yes, you’re welcome.

One-on-One: Lauren B., the flight attendant, got the plane date. Lauren was visibly nervous. The internet was quick to point out the flight attendant was afraid of going on a plane date. Okay, FIRST OF ALL, she probably rides on the cushy jet liners completely enclosed with a bar and those fold-back seats. Not a mini death vehicle, twisting and turning for stunts and certain to fall apart in the sky. So leave the flight attendant alone. (Full disclosure: I was going to pick on the flight attendant too, but it’s more fun to take her side.)

You’re welcome, Lauren B.

After their flying stunt, Lauren B. and Ben went in a hot tub in the middle of an open prarie. Literally nothing around them. Just them. Chilling in their bikinis. Yes, Ben, too. No I lie, he had swim trunks on, but it was so out of place. And not sexy. And they showed a fart scene that was supposed to be funny and it just wasn’t. I was going to save this juicy bit of information for the end of the post, but I can’t. Ben H. was on Juliet Litman’s Bachelor Party podcast and they talked about that hot tub in the middle of nowhere date! Here. Listen here (10:40). I’ve given you the start time and everything. Ben is surprisingly thoughtful about the whole approach to participating in The Bachelor. He has a pretty mature, well-spoken outlook on how best to approach the show. It made me fall in love with him. Watch out, Bachelor ladies. ALSO, we learned what Ben’s tattoo says and the hilarious story behind its existence.

Ben’s Tattoo: If you’ve been paying any attention to the plethora of half-naked hot tub dates in fields and spa shops, you know that Ben has a script tattoo that wraps around his left rib cage. The mystery is solved. He got it in college. It’s a Bible verse: “Commit to the Lord in whatever you do and you will succeed. Proverbs 16:3″ Except that it doesn’t read Proverbs 16:3. The tattoo artist accidentally put 16:34 because he mistakenly went over the numbers indicating the lines of the tattoo. Ben didn’t even notice until his friend looked at it and asked him what Bible verse it was supposed to be. Ben went back to the tattoo parlor and they covered it up with a cross. To listen to the sweet sounds of Ben Higgins voice (and hear about a crazy drug deal he stumbled upon in Miami that got him on Beach Patrol Miami) tune into to Channel 33: The Bachelor Party. This is now my morning commute. I don’t know how I didn’t listen to it long ago when it was Right Reasons.

At dinner, Ben H. opened up to Lauren B. that his dad had heart problems and triple bypass surgery, but is doing well now. Ben gave Lauren B. the rose and they had a private concert by Lucy Angel in a barn. I have no idea who Lucy Angel is.

Side note: When Ben gave out the rose he said “my rose” instead of “this rose,” and I thought that was weird. Maybe because my mind reverts to an inappropriate Friends reference. But I still think it’s weird.

Most Uncomfortable One-on-One: Jubilee got the second one-on-one and things got super uncomfortable. Jami described it as “Awko Taco.” I described it as wonderful. And fellow Tweeter Andrea Laventhal begged for Awko Taco not to become a thing. The big controversy was that Jubilee asked if anyone else wanted to go on her date. Not great. She also was really insecure and awkward on the date. I was uncomfortable from the couch watching from afar.

At dinner, we found out more about Jubilee’s past. She was adopted from Haiti and is the only surviving member of her family and wrestles with some guilt from that. She sat on Ben’s lap and more tears ensued. It was sweet. It was a lot for a first date.

Group Date: Yay more soccer. They split the girls into teams: Stars and Stripes. Of course the twins were placed on opposing teams. And were actually pretty good at the game.

Best Quote of the Night: The best quote of the night goes to Kindergarten teacher Lauren H. with this gem: “I have zero ball-handling skills.” Yeah. I’m not surprised.

Rachel on the Stars team gets injured and the Stripes team swooped in to win the game. Olivia on the Stripes team was smug. No one saw her cankles. So now I’m going to have to rewind and pause the DVR to find this, because Possessionista’s search for the cankles also came up empty.

Ben went to check on Rachel. She was fine, but had to go home with the rest of the losing team, while the Stripes went on to the after party. I’m always boggled by the fact that the ladies seem surprised that that is the repercussion for losing, the fact that you return to the mansion and don’t get to go on to the next part of the date. That happens literally every time they split the ladies into teams. That’s how the competitive group dates work. I’m confused.

Another Great Quote of the Night: “Perfection is so lame.” – News Anchor Olivia on the subject matter of her fat toes.

Amber also struggled with her confidence this episode. She went in for a kiss with Ben then shrunk like a violet. She’s gorgeous and her confidence level is like negative 10. I’m out. Ben was fine with it. He gave her the rose citing she took the time to get to know him better.

Cocktail Party: At the cocktail party Ben prefaced the night with the fact that two of his close family friends just passed away in a plane crash. You would think this would spark some sort of empathy or okay let’s take it easy on him feelings. Incorrect! Instead it just looked like he got put through the ringer. 

His family friends just died. And everyone wants to cry. I have cankles. The other girls hate me. I didn’t get time. Dear lord, they are going to pull him a part.

Ben’s Talk with Olivia:

Ben: Two people I love died in a plane crash.

Olivia: I have cankles. They wrote blogs about it. I feel your pain.

I’m probably obligated to tell you that that’s not how the exact conversation went, but that it’s actually my interpretation and summary using some creative liberties, but I’m not certain that’s entirely true. It was a pretty awkward talk.

Lace: When they finally all sat down after what felt like a tidal wave of emotions at what is supposed to be a cocktail party, Lace stood up and pulled Ben aside. She let him know she also had cankles and had to leave. Just kidding. She talked about her tattoo and said it was best she left.

Lace’s tattoo reads: “You can’t love someone else until you truly love yourself.” And another one bites the dust. That’s almost an average of one a week of ladies leaving voluntarily. I volunteer as tribute! I’ll take Lace’s place.

Bachelor Live:

Lace appeared on Bachelor Live. She picks JoJo as best for Ben. And let’s us all know, “I’ve been making a lot of progress on myself and I’m really proud of it.” There is an offer for her to appear on Bachelor in Paradise. That sounds like an awful idea for her. Amazing for television viewers, but awful for her.

Tweets of the Night: These tweeters caught my eye.

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Jade and Tanner’s wedding date has been announced! They will tie the knot on ABC on Valentine’s Day.

The Bachelor Ben Quick Recap Week 3

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TEARS, TEARS, AND MORE TEARS. I told you we could do better. Olivia’s Mouth is now plastered all over the Internet, possibly wine bottles. Insecurities are running rampant, starting with Lace ending with Jubilee. Hashtags trending: #CanklesForever #LaceFace #OliviasMouth*

Who got kicked off: The ones with red X’s were sent home last night. Lace voluntarily took herself out of the running because she had to work on herself, and she most definitely didn’t want to be pegged as crazy. (Fun fact: Bachelor Live tells us there’s an offer for her appearance on Bachelor in Paradise.) Jami and Shushanna got the boot.

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*Author’s note: These are not actually all trending. But hopefully they will outlive Awko Taco. One can hope. Recap explaining what Awko Taco is to follow. Long live the twins.

The Bachelor Ben Quick Recap Week 2

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BEN’S ALREADY CRYING BECAUSE HE HAS TO SEND PEOPLE HOME. LACE EARNED THE NICKNAME #LACEFACE. Meanwhile Olivia’s the least favorite girl at the party. AND EVERYBODY LOVES BEN.

We had a glimpse of a helicopter pad, but not a helicopter. A hot tub, but not one that belonged to the Bachelor franchise. There was lots of kissing. More kissing. Some tears, but we can do better. And my girl from San Diego Becca’s showing some personality.

Who got kicked off: The ones with red X’s were sent home tonight. The ones with black X’s were eliminated last week. And then there were 2. Lauren “LB” left voluntarily to bring our Lauren count down by 1. She cited the whole environment was too much for her. Jackie’s apple bobbing skills weren’t so hot, and Mandi and Samantha didn’t make the cut.

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Full Recap Coming Soon

The Bachelor Ben H.: Season 20 Week 2 Recap

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Ben’s already crying because he has to send people home. Lace earned the nickname #LaceFace. Olivia’s slowly becoming everyone’s least favorite girl at the party. And everybody loves Ben.

We had a glimpse of a helicopter pad, but not a helicopter. A hot tub, but not one owned by The Bachelor franchise. There was lots of kissing. More kissing. Some tears, but we can do better. And my girl from San Diego Becca’s showing some personality.

Who got kicked off: The ones with red X’s were sent home tonight. The ones with black X’s were sent home last week. And then there were 2. Lauren “LB” left voluntarily to bring our Lauren count down by 1. She cited the whole environment was too much for her. Jackie’s apple bobbing skills weren’t so hot, and Mandi and Samantha didn’t make the cut.

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Ben’s Response After Sending People Home Week 2: “It doesn’t make sense. It just doesn’t. I have to ask them to leave.” Someone get the contract. I think Ben has mistaken his show for Sister Wives. This is not peewee softball, Ben! Everybody does not get a participation trophy. You’ve been on the show! Cowboy up!

Group Date: Bachelor High – A glorious trek back into the cob-webbed corners of high school geography. I thought this date was great. There was science, and PE, and apple bobbing…wait. There were also a shmorgasbord of sexual innuendos. Make Ben’s volcano erupt. More eruption. Becca commented on the size of Jackie’s mouth. Jubilee got Lace as her partner and cursed the day. Mandi won, Amber pouted, and everyone was upset, including Ben. Not really Ben, because he’s a standup guy, but I’m sure deep down he was like how the heck did Rose Hat win?

On the date, Becca and JoJo mistook Indiana for Pennsylvania in a simple map test where you had to place the state on its correct position on the map. It was the greatest day. Maybe not for the state of Indiana, but…

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Becca’s apple bobbing comment: “I bet Jackie’s wishing she had a bigger mouth right now.”

Ben’s comment on apple bobbing: “One of the most attractive things is really seeing them put themselves out there.”

JoJo: Ben saved a special moment for JoJo. He loved her bubbly energy and lack of Indiana state knowledge and wanted to tell her he noticed her. He brought her up to the helicopter pad. “I’ve never been this high before!” JoJo exclaimed. Don’t lie.

Jennifer: I think Ben and Jennifer were talking for all of two seconds at the after party for the group date before he started kissing her.

One-on-Three: The first one-on-one goes to Boston-based, Caila…and Ice Cube and Kevin Hart. Ice Tea and Kevin Hart rolled up to the mansion in a sweet car to accompany Ben on his date. Side note: From what it sounds like, Caila left her bf of one year to come on the show. What we find out tonight is that she met this old bf on a plane to Boston. Then later ran into him on the street. She thought it was fate. They had to be together. Now, maybe I’m just biased, but Boston is incredibly tiny. The chances of you seeing each other again? Pretty great. I mean it’s still an epic story. Don’t let Crazy Kelsey from the Badlands get a hold of it. You keep that story. Though I will say, last time anyone let serendipity decide, John Kusak and Kate Beckinsale spent their whole lives in turmoil. Anywho, Ice Cube and Kevin Hart stole the show. They accompanied Ben on his date, riding backseat to him and Caila and providing much needed advice. They stopped at a liquor store to pick up condoms and some hard alcohol. And went hot tub shopping…at a hot tub shop. Kevin joined Ben and Caila in the tub in the nude.

 Quote of the Night: “I was waiting for my heart to catch up with my story.” – Caila referencing her boyfriend that she broke up with

Group Date: The Love Lab – This date is stupid. As Ben said, “I’m glad the results just confirmed every thing I was feeling.” Great. So we needed science to back it up. And not very good science. They put them on a treadmill and made Ben smell them all in the name of pheromones. I don’t know how this qualifies as a date, but if any man tried to smell my pheromones and describe them as “sour,” on a first date I would cut a you know what. I’m on the fence about who had it worse, Ben or the ladies. They also had each of the ladies wired up and sit behind a heat map and interact with Ben to get a reading, all while the other ladies watched on in uncomfortableness. Surprise, surprise, Olivia had the highest overall score for chemistry with Ben. Later, Ben tried to put the moves on her asking if they could do the nose touching one more time and then laid one on her. Smooth move, Ben. Olivia got the rose.

Cocktail Party: 

Lauren B.: Lauren B. is taking the lead. Ben H. wanted her to know he was thinking about her this week. He had a picture of their first night, where they are sitting and talking with each other. It might have made my heart stop for a moment. It was the most thoughtful thing. Gah! Ben’s sweetness is coloring my recaps. Normally, I would be like, a picture? You know what would be nice, Ben? Diamonds, like a lot them, in a circular fashion. But I can’t. It’s week 2 and he’s already throwing around thoughtful gifts that demonstrate he was thinking about her. You can’t have them all, Ben!

Single Mom Amanda: Single mom of two, Amanda, is still there and going strong. Ben says kids don’t scare him and to show how much they don’t scare him, he DIY’d the shit out of those barrettes. Take that Dad of the Year. Ben sat down with Amanda and hot glued roses onto hair barrettes for Amanda’s two little girls. On theme and on point. Who wore it better, though? Amanda’s two little girls or Chris Harrison on After the Rose? Or Ben?

Rose Ceremony:

LB Throws Up the Deuces: Lauren “LB” left just all of a sudden at the rose ceremony. She couldn’t take it. I’m betting she just didn’t want to end up like Lace, pegged with the crazy. Ben called her name and she pulled him aside and said, dude this is not for me. I’m ad-libbing, but I’m pretty sure she would have used the word dude.

Tweets of the Night: These tweets made me chuckle. It also serves as a nice flipbook of what I do with my single life on a Monday night.

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Screenshot 2016-01-11 20.18.11Screenshot 2016-01-11 20.19.09I’m not going to watch this The Bachelor Live nonsense. 3 hours of The Bachelor?You have got to be kidding me. Gah! Except that I did and this is what you can takeaway:

Jade and Tanner are getting married on ABC in the next couple of weeks. (Updated: It will be on Valentine’s Day.) Block off an entire weekend, Bachelor Fans, because you know it’s probably going to be a 2 to 3 to an eternity night special. Chris Harrison will be officiating as Jade and Tanner asked him on the spot so he could not refuse.

Ali Fedotowsky and Kaley CuoCo were guest stars via Skype. They talked about how Ali is pregnant and how she’s in her second trimester. They left out the shotgun wedding part.

Chris Soules’ laugh is still the most adorable thing to hit television. We took a trip down memory lane as they replayed the worst and arguably the best of seasons past. There was Rozlyn (of Jake Pavelka’s season), who had the sexy fling with one of the crew members. Naughty, naughty. It ended in the crew member jumping off of a balcony and breaking both of his legs. Ah the memories. There was the kiss counter for Chris Soules, which he had his eight-year-old, school girl giggle come out and remind me I still like Farmer Chris. A third Kris came out just to outdo the four Laurens I’m positive of it. Kris Jenner was by his side, providing commentary on the show. Say what you will of the Kardashians, but they are making a bajillion dollars by simply going about their every day life, which primarily includes just hanging out. And you watch it. And I watch it. Every day. And I want Caitlyn and Khloe to make up.And you know you want that too. Back to The Bachelor. 

ABC is really trying to replace their image from Juan Pablo’s disaster of a season by bringing on the wholesome Ben and sweet Farmer Chris and it’s working for me. I’m almost less upset by the fact that I dedicate 3 hours of my week to watch this.

Hitting the Heart Strings: They showed a clip of Jubilee giving Ben a bear decked out in army attire and said it was for any time he felt unloveable. And my cold heart melted. Then she had a sassy comeback that made me completely adore her. Ben’s innocent remark: “Can he sleep in bed with me?” Jubilee’s response: “Yeah, I mean yes, he can take my place.”

Chat App: This week I tried out HuckleApp, a group chat app for Twitter, that so skillfully had a chat on The Bachelor. My group of chatters included a guest from the finale of The Bachelor and gif-lovers. My kind of people. Super convenient for finding new Twitter friends, snarking on the show and all around debauchery. Monday nights are about to get more interesting.

Until next time, Bachelor Fans! More Lace, more Olivia, more twins! I’m just going to keep picking on the twins until they’re no longer here because it’s awesome and I actually kind of like them. They’re just along for the ride.

 

 

 

 

 

Whoa Baby! Ali Fedotowsky is Pregnant!

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There’s more Bachelor Baby news on the horizon. Just 28 days ago we learned of Sean Lowe and Catherine Giudici’s new bun in the oven via the Insta. Coming up close behind is Ali Fedotowsky. (I’m secretly hoping one of these little kiddos will go Suri on all of their mini star counterparts and start The Baby Bachelor Burn Book. I would read that.) Ali very recently became engaged to Kevin Manno in September. Kevin Manno is a TV and radio host whom she met through a producer of one of her new shows 1st Look. After the engagement, Ali and Kevin were talking about a shotgun, nope nopers, a destination wedding. That’s what these kids are calling it these days. But now that they’ve spilled the baby beans, Ali’s slowing it down a bit and thinking about having a bigger wedding.

PEOPLE.com had an exclusive interview with the happy couple, where mostly Ali just gushed about babies and the miracle of life. I can’t wait to see what she has to say after she pushes a cantaloupe…

Ali announced her pregnancy on her blog www.AliLuvs.com with a harken back to the mom jeans SNL skit and picture of her in mom jeans. The caption below it read: “Mom Jeans: She’s not a woman anymore. She’s a mom.” Hilarious. Newsflash, Ali can even make mom jeans look appealing.

photo credit: Instagram @alifedotowsky

Since their engagement, they’ve been painting their new apartment and I guess making babies! How’s that for the Bachelor franchise success rate? I suppose she doesn’t quite count, because she’s no longer with hunky Roberto, but eh count it! Ok! I think this means we can add them to the which baby is destined to be the cutest poll from Bachelor Babies past.
and hope for the actual fruition of Jimmy Kimmel’s Baby Bachelor. Until next time, Bachelor Fans!

The Bachelor Ben H.: Season 20 Premiere [Updated]

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**Apologies, I had wrongfully put an X over Jami’s face, when in fact she was one of the lucky ladies sticking around this week. I was distracted by the abundant wine and the heated Bachelor premiere party commentary. It has been updated and shall not happen again.

The Bachelor is Back! The limos are arriving and vino is flowing and all of the ladies are ready to meet the man of their dreams, especially Lace who is ready to take it all the way with a kiss. Ben, true to form as the ever most loveable and wholesome bachelor, calls his dad midway through the limo arrivals.

Who got kicked off: The ladies with the red X’s were sent home tonight. And After The Bachelor continues to happen as we mirror The Walking Dead in analyzing the inane content that The Bachelor provides. How ’bout those twins though.

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For your reminders, Amanda is the one with TWO kids, Amber’s been on about a bajillion seasons of The Bachelor as Michelle Money has, and Olivia seems to be everyone’s frontrunner.

The Token Drunk! Yasss! We have our token drunk for the season, Bachelor Fans. Lace. I can’t wait for her to stir up some epic trouble. Lace showed up to the party three sheets to the wind. She gave Ben a peck on the mouth, cheek? for her introduction, and then proceeded to try to make out with him at the party. He had to have a sitdown with her, which I thought was going to lead to her early exit, but no, she was kept around for one more week! Let the games begin!

Best First Impression: I know she got the axe, but Izzy you stole my heart. Izzy rolled up in a onesie, didn’t even bother to change the entire night and introduced herself with a pun. Ben. I just don’t understand. When she introduced herself, adorned in a fleeced pant onesie, Izzy said, “I needed to find out if you’re the ‘onsie’ for me.” I mean it’s literary gold, Ben. Ok, maybe not gold, but top 5 for sure. The rest of them were just awful.

Worst Pick-Up Line: The worst pick-up line goes to Mandi! Exiting the limo with what can only be described adequately as a gargantuan rose hat, Mandi proceeded to let Ben know that he could pollinate it later. Yep. She’s just embracing the weird.

Biggest Offender of Carbs: Nutritional Therapist Breanne was so rightly sent home after she assaulted completely edible carbs on the mansion property. I know the Bachelor mansion isn’t known for it’s carb intake, but what did those poor baguettes ever do to you? Her reasoning was that they were ‘breaking bread’ together, but I mean that’s still creepy.

First Impression Rose: First Impression Rose goes to news anchor Olivia. Olivia told Ben she left her job as a news anchor, which was good, in order to find something that was great. It’s as though it was written for the news. Judging eyes, Olivia, judging eyes. Ben seems to be quite taken by her, so keep her in your brackets, ladies.

Caila: I should love Caila because she lives in Boston and they filmed her in Boston and I should have known they were in Boston so that I could have stalked them in Boston, but I fell off my game. There’s just something about her that doesn’t sit right with me. Maybe because it sounds like she broke up with her bf so she could be on The Bachelor. She jumped into Ben’s arms for her introduction. He kept her. It was alright.

You know who’s NOT off her stalker game, though, is Lauren R. Lauren R. didn’t even bother to wait until she stepped out of the limo before uncomfortably listing off all of the social media stalking she had done on him. Hi Ben, I read your entire online profile front and back, particularly your Instagram. Now who is this girl that you were hanging out with on November 2013? I mean, everyone does it, sure, the stalking I mean. But do I tell my crush I now know what all 10 of his niece’s names are…in alphabetical order? And when his great grandma had her 100th birthday? No. I let him live his life in blissful ignorance and keep that ish to myself. Keep the crazy in.

Most Awkward Nickname: Red Velvet. Guessing game time. Which contestant do you think this nickname belongs to? I’m #TeamRedhead all the way, but you should really help your friends find you a new nickname, Laura, or get some new friends. For redheads everywhere.

Most Creative Introduction? Leah showed up in a gorgeous, sparkly floor-length gown and then proceeded to hike up her gown, bend over, and hike a football to Ben. I mean points for sluttiness-masked-by-creativity are in order here, so I can’t help but slow-clap kudos for you, but let’s keep it classy here, Leah.

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Oh, how far we’ve fallen. **PS Fun Fact: Sheila is the name of the Chicken Enthusiast (Tiara)’s pet chicken. An adorable white feathered hen.

Lauren B: Lauren B. (That’s one of the FOUR Laurens. Difficult to keep track, I know, but stay with me.) is a flight attendant and gave Ben H. wings. It’s been done before, but she seems nice and Ben seems to like her, and I’m Team Love so I’ll give her a chance.

Rachel brought her fire-hazard hoverboard to the party. You are not welcome here! Have you not read the news? She’s probably one of the two who don’t enjoy reading.

Maegan: Maegan, while she didn’t win a rose, won at life tonight and I think deserves special praise. Maegan brought a pony to the party. A PONY. Beat that childhood.

They’re Back! Becca the chiropractic virgin from Chris Soules’ season and Amber (also from Chris Soules’ season and The Bachelor in Paradise) returned hand-in-hand in a surprise limo. Okay, maybe not hand-in-hand, but it was in the same limo and super awkward. They had a heartfelt hello with Chris Harrison, and then took Ben H. by surprise at the cocktail party.

Alright! Let’s fill out those Bachelor Brackets, people, and get this ball rolling!

Tweets of the Night: Best tweet of the night goes to @AndiLavs for her ode de carbs. I stand beside her on this one. Carbs are our friends, not meant to be taken down into the dusty cement. Some old timey favorites, Sean Lowe and Chris Soules, also got in on the fun this season. Chris is likely cheering on his old lovers, particularly Becca who made it to his final two on his season. And of course how could you go a full season without a bachelor Twitter Bachelor parody. Hat tip, FakeBachelorBen.

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I really need to know, though, which twin makes it the furthest?

Ben Higgins’ 25 Ladies Revealed

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Ben’s 25 ladies arrive tomorrow! Welcome to the part where we get to make all of our snap judgments prior to the start of this epic season. Reality Steve has had a running list long before, and we’ve already speculated about a few contestants in a previous post. But now we have the whole list AND their interviews. That’s where the real fun begins.

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Ones we already knew about: Becca and Amber from Chris Soules’ Season.

There are 4 Laurens. FOUR. Two of which are teachers. How’s that for your Bachelor boards? Keeping you on your toes.

Most contestants are 24-25 years old. Breanne is a 30-year-old nutritional therapist from Seattle and one of the oldest contestants along with Maegan. Cowgirl Maegan from Texas sounds fun. Tiara is a chicken enthusiast. Single mom Amanda has two kids and admits to using botox as her anti-aging secret. Apparently Leah doesn’t meet any guys and has many regrets, two of which are dove tattoos on the back of her calves she is having laser removal on. She should hook up with Kaitlyn and become fast friends.

Also, Remember the Titans is making a comeback because practically every contestant put that on their bio as one of their favorite movies. I mean I love Remember the Titans as much as anyone, but I know nothing about movies.

Another running theme is that most of them prefer hot weather to cold weather. They do know they’re headed to Colorado if this all works out, right? Lots of Floridians.

I’m kind of a fan of Jessica’s answers. She seems down to earth and a potential front-runner if she can hold it together night one.

Two ladies aren’t big fans of reading. “I more read articles.” Yep, grammar real good. Way to go, Joelle “JoJo.” Rocking life.Screenshot 2015-12-26 01.48.14

Screenshot 2015-12-26 01.48.20Two people also picked the dolphin as their animal of choice. One for a very different reason than the other…Lauren “LB” vs Jennifer. Or maybe they both kind of line up.

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I’m looking forward to seeing what these ladies pull out for their introductions to Ben H. and how long he keeps around the twins. For the full cast, visit ABC. To brush up on your Ben H. trivia, visit this post.

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