Bachelor in Paradise: Everything You Need to Know

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JJ left voluntarily, but not before giving his rose to Ashley S. Talks with raccoons are over because Clare has left the island for a 3rd strike-out. Newbies entering the scene and messing shit up are Amber, Justin, and Nick. Justin and Nick are pining over Samantha much to Joe’s disapproval. And Amber is stealing Dan’s heart.

Who hands out the roses this week: Ladies

Couples: These are the groups I have conveniently categorized the Bachelor/ette rejects for you to keep up with each week as they mingle and disappear and reappear and stomp on each other’s hearts.

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Lifers: Likely to be together for the remainder of the show, unless someone way more intriguing (read: hotter) shows up and breaks up the party. These pairs are the boring ones.

Here to Hook Up: There is some sort of connection. They’re together this week, but who knows what’s around the corner next week. A new date card. A new man or lady. A new cry sesh.

By Default: They have no other options. They’re in it by default. Kind of like the last kid chosen for dodgeball.

Previous Commentary to Catch You Up on the Ebb and Flow of Couples:

Joe’s Rampage:

Joe did not come here to make friends, pissing off ladies and gents alike as soon as his arrival.

Clare was his first victim. Clare and the raccoon had more great talks via epic editing by ABC producers. Clare was all upset because Joe called her out for being on the show 3 times now. I mean it is a lot, Clare. You and Michelle Money can start a club.

Juelia found a connection with Jonathan. Both are single parents. Then Joe was like nope, I need you to keep me on the island until Samantha comes so I can meet her. Swoop.

Juelia in reference to Joe taking her on a date and then promptly dropping her as soon as Samantha arrived on the scene. “I don’t really know why he chose me.” Because you volunteered. He didn’t choose you. You volunteered as tribute. When Joe asked who wanted to go on the date with him, Juelia literally raised her hand. I don’t know why you’re confused Juelia.

Cruise Ship Singer Carly gave up her brother’s wedding day to be on the Bachelor in Paradise. Kirk, did you catch that? If I gave up my sister’s wedding day for a TV show, there would be hell to pay. Probably an arm of the family tree would be chainsawed off or I would be apologizing until the end of time. But you know Carly gave her brother a congratulatory phone call so we’re all good. Haters gonna hate.

In other news, Carly’s vocab solely consists of the descriptor “Freakin’.” It’s freakin’ killing me. Carly and Kirk went fishing and also to the Fantasy Suite private hotel room place. Kirk said he had trepidations about committing solely to Carly, Carly was all in, and Kirk said okay.

It might just be I’m hating because I am jealous of Carly for catching Kirk’s heart.

Who is Kirk? If you’ll remember from Ali’s season of The Bachelorette, Kirk Dewindt was the loveable man who survived a life-threatening illness. It was toxic mold and almost killed him, which gave him such a positive outlook on life and he seems to be a good dude.

Megan arrived on the scene. “Megan is one of my best friends,” said Ashley I.  That doesn’t surprise me. Megan is the lady on Chris Soules’ season that put on his motorcycle helmet and repeatedly hit her head on inanimate objects. Soooo.

Dan was hoping this one was here. Dan as we’ll remember was with blonde, slightly out there Ashley S., but now he’s having second thoughts and has his sights set on Meghan. Then Amber came along and he changed his mind.

Ashley I. is really into Jared. Jared not so much into Ashley I. Ashley I. is still sobbing. Her mascara remains intact.

JJ’s exit interview: “I didn’t find love on The Bachelorette and I didn’t fall in love on Paradise, but I did find myself. And these girls all think I’m awesome. So that excites me.” Please watch the entire recap as told by JJ in this video. It’s quite possibly the best exit interview, with battle drums and patriotic music crescendoing in the background. Go forth, JJ, and find your love. To be clear, the men were handing out roses so JJ did not have to leave. He chose to peace out.

Quote of the Night: “You don’t know broken, until you’ve actually walked in my shoes.” – JJ

A continuation of No Rules! Chris Harrison was like poo poo on Rose Ceremonies, Immagonna do what I want. And he brought back, Mikey AND Juelia so they could annoy the heck out of Joe have a shot at love.

Mikey is back! Did you miss him? He was kicked off like week 2 or 3 or something, but Juelia was like I regret giving my rose to Joe because now I’m kicked off and I kind of had a spark with Mikey. And ABC was like okay, let’s bring you both back and put you two on a wrestling date. No rules. I don’t think they could have picked a better date for Mikey to go on.

Who is Samantha? Samantha Steffen is the girl who said absolutely nothing on Chris Soules’ season of The Bachelor.The Inquisitr.com tells all. She is a fashion designer from LA for IDGAF clothing. She comes from a famous line of entrepreneurs. You may recognize her uncle as the founder and CEO of 5-Hour Energy.

In other news, prior to Bachelor in Paradise, Samantha was talking to both Joe and Nick according to Inquisitor. Now Nick is on the island and Joe and Samantha are done and Samantha doesn’t want any more drama.

After Paradise

After Paradise is a part of the show where Chris Harrison sits down with all kinds of celebrities and Bachelor/ette rejects and interviews them. He also polls the audience via Twitter and it’s fantastic. Last week, Chris H. interviewed Joe and Juelia. Joe was very apologetic to Juelia and all of America. He described it as he was disgusted with himself. I believed him. Others were not as convinced.

If you want to read more about the Samantha/Joe and Ashley I./Jared break-ups, definitely hop on over to Possessionista’s recap.

And now you’re all caught up. See you for tonight’s episode. And then again on Monday for the After Paradise. And if that’s too much for you, don’t worry, I’ve stock-piled the wine and am ready to do the research and watching for you.

The Next Bachelor: Get to Know Ben H.

Get to Know Season 20’s Bachelor Ben Higgins

Ben Higgins

Photo Credit: ABC

Ben Higgins

Photo Credit: ABC

Age: 26

Height: 6’4″

Born: He grew up in Warsaw, Indiana, but now lives in Denver, Colorado.

Occupation: Software Salesman.

ABC’s Bio: Season 20’s The Bachelor Ben Higgins

Twitter Handle: So you can propose to him. @BenHiggi

Instagram: So you can continue proposing to him. Y’know hit him from all sides. @higgins.ben

You know him from: Kaitlyn’s season of The Bachelorette when he told her he was concerned he was “unloveable.” Well, that line right there single-handedly stole every woman in America’s heart and when Kaitlyn let him go as the final 3, the ladies, drooling, were lining up.

Fun Facts: He goes to church on Sundays. And according to PEOPLE.com listens to country music and one of my favorite bands (NEEDTOBREATHE, which basically means we are meant for each other in Bachelor terms. Also, you should definitely check that band out. They are great.)

This photo of him at my alma mater UCLA also proves we are meant to be together. (Go Bruins!) Stolen from his Instagram account, which I was sifting through for your benefit, America.

Screen shot 2015-08-26 at 1.22.03 AMAfter the announcement was made on After Paradise, when asked if he was ready to appear in an entire season shirtless, he so adorably and honestly responded a little taken aback, “No!” You have nothing to worry about, Ben. H. I’m pretty sure you could say anything ridiculous and all of America would swoon.

Season 20 of The Bachelor premiers in January so start prepping those wine glasses now and Bachelor preview parties now!

Until then I leave you with this adorable photo courtesy of Women’s Health Magazine’s Twitter. Steel your ovaries.

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The Bachelorette Kaitlyn Finale | Bachelor in Paradise

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A bout of food poisoning took me down, but I am back and ready to snark.

Tantra Yoga, Snapchat, and Ashley I. is back from the Badlands with Sis!

Ashley I. and Sister

Ashley I. and Sis

Bachelor in Paradise has started! And they’re doing a live after Bachelor in Paradise with audience participation. The absolute worst. Grab yourself another glass of Chardonnay. Although, there are quite a few fun tidbits.

I did learn that Ashley I. brought an entire suitcase of makeup complete with giant light bulbs attached. And that all of the ladies do their own hair and makeup, mostly with the help of Ashley S.

AND they are likely to reveal the next Bachelor on an episode of After Paradise in a couple of weeks. So be on the lookout!

You can read the first recap of Bachelor in Paradise here. It’s pretty steamy. Ashley I. brought her sister on the show, who is basically the twin version of her but not a virgin. Clare is back to find love and goes on a Tantric Yoga date with Mikey, and Marcus and Lacey got married! (Tantric Yoga, for those like me not in the know, according to google and Cosmopolitan.com is “an ancient practice that uses sexual energy to attain higher states of consciousness.” If you’re interested, Cosmo also provided several positions based off Tantra yoga to spice up your sex life.) Mikey was all about it. Clare not so much as you can see in these great short clips by ABC.

The rest of this is old news, but still a fun trip down memory lane.

Congrats to Shawn B.! Snapchat doesn’t lie.

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Photo Credit: OK Magazine

This is the epic snapchat that left Bachelor nation reeling and probably violated some contract Kaitlyn had with the show.

Who got kicked off: We said good-bye to Nick V. for a second time in Bachelor world. With a bad case of deja vu, Nick was sent home as second runner-up in an all too familiar limo ride home. He handled it well. He threw the ring in the limo and also the ring they got in Ireland together. Bitter? Nah.

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And then Nick’s mom had a breakdown. No, she didn’t. But she was at After the Final Rose tears in her eyes. I was a little worried she might take down Kaitlyn for breaking her son’s heart. But they seem to be pretty amicable. I thought I spotted a hug between her and Kaitlyn after they brought out Shawn.

But we’re skipping ahead. On to the dates and the meeting of the ‘rents.

Malibu, CA

Malibu was where Kaitlyn had her family met the final two men standing. (Budget cuts obviously. ABC was like no more of these exotic locations. Let’s go to Malibu and use Chris Harrison’s home to stage to meet the parents! Editor’s note: I really don’t know if that was actually Chris H’s house, but I wouldn’t put it past them.)

Both Nick and Shawn met the parents. Both men asked Dad for Kaitlyn’s hand in marriage. And Dad was like yep. Easy as pie.

Mom was impressed with both boys. You could have brought in any strong young chap and she would have been all about it.

Sister was a big fan. She was all about Nick V. and then quickly changed tune after meeting Shawn B.

Kaitlyn, jaw-dropping shocked face, said, “You’ve been a fan of team Nick for a year and after an hour you’re team Shawn?”

Kaitlyn’s sister explained, “It’s the way you are around him.”

Nick

Nick cried when was under pressure by Kaitlyn’s mom to explain his affection for her daughter.

Mom put Nick on the incredibly awkward hot seat, telling him that she was so impressed that he stuck around even after finding out she had had sex with Nick. No, Mom, no! Why?? Sex talk on the first getting-to-know-the-parents day. So great. Mom was so impressed that he was still in love with her and her character.

Marina del Rey, CA

“I need clarity today.” – Kaitlyn. Translation: I need “off camera time.” Off camera time is what the kids are calling sex these days. Kaitlyn went sailing with Nick on their date.

The date with Shawn went less than stellar as the conversation was jilted and Kaitlyn seemed to have a lot on her mind. They went to a winery in Malibu, CA.

These were also the dates where Kaitlyn got presents! As the men attempt to show their final love of her, they each gave her a gift. Nick gave her a double picture frame. On one side was a kind of adorable candid photo of the two of them and the other was a poem he wrote for her. Man, bring back the scrapbooks. I miss those days. Shawn B. actually had a pretty cute new idea. It was a grab bag jar of memories from their relationship.

Rose Ceremony

Took place at the mansion because you know why not. If you hadn’t looked at Snapchat or paid attention to any internet site, you would have been shocked to see Nick step out of the limo first. The producers had set it up perfectly. An awkward final date with Shawn, hot and steamy with Nick…all signs pointed to Viall. Until she stopped him from proposing. Kaitlyn kept justifying saying she needed to take it this far to figure things out. And she told him she had been feeling for him in those moments. Nick’s response was epically great and a reminder of why we keep bringing him back.

Most Quoted Line of the Night:

“What I felt for you was more than just a moment.” – Nick Viall

You gotta hand it to him, Nick V. is one smooth talker.

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After the Final Rose

After the Final Rose we also found out Snapchat played a much larger role in Kaitlyn and Shawn’s relationship even before they met on The Bachelorette. Shawn had sent a Snapchat to one of his buds of a screenshot of Kaitlyn on the night she was sent home from Chris’ season with a heart over her face. Who has the heart over their face now? That didn’t make any sense, but it’s happening. You can see that snapchat here on That’s Normal’s funny recap.

Despite rumors that Shawn B. is having difficulty with watching Kaitlyn trounce through her vast array of relationships, Shawn B. came out and wrapped his protective, hulking bicep-laden arm around her and announced he was glad to finally have the chance to speak out and protect her from all of the cyberbullying and death threats related to her sex life. They seem happy. I’m all for it.

I’m usually a big proponent of NOT watching Bachelor in Paradise (and by big proponent I mean I’ve been staunch in its one year running) and not blogging. But this season is just too great. I mean Ashley I. and counterpart sister, who by the way both get to stay if only one gets a rose a week. Kind of a package deal or a two-for-one crazy. And then you have Marcus and Lacey with their wedding officiated by Chris Harrison and done on the island with minimal cost production to ABC because that is not in the budget for all of these weddings! Bachelor/ettes first. Then the rejects. I’m in this season, ABC. What are your thoughts, Bachelor fans?

 

 

The Bachelorette Kaitlyn | Fantasy Hometown Combo Dates Recap Week 9

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Fantasy Suite dates and “hometowns” all in one! I say hometowns hesitantly because technically they weren’t in anyone’s hometown. It was some hotel in Utah where they were all holed up, and where I was desperately waiting for one giant family to go track down the other giant family’s hotel room and have a Shawn B. and Nick V. Family Feud-style showdown, but where they both sit in a death stare face-off on opposing couches.

Who got sent home: Ben H., the software salesman from Denver, CO, proving my theory that all hot men originate from Colorado (sans JJ).

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Fantasy Suite Dates

Ben H.

Kaitlyn took him horseback riding and then they went to feed goats or sheep or something. They both had on very comfy, cozy sweaters and that’s exactly how their date felt – comfy, cozy friends. They talked about their ages and the future. Ben H. is 26. Kaitlyn is turning 30. And that’s about all that came of that.

Shawn B.

I love these love analogies. Every season we get to hear how love is like an airplane or a bull fighting ring or deep and wide like the ocean. THIS season Shawn B. opened our eyes to how love is like golf: “It’s something you can do when you’re old and gray.” Yes, yes it is something you can do when you’re old and gray… Anyway, if you hadn’t picked up on that yet, Shawn B. and Kaitlyn went golfing. They were all kinds of flirtatious. They got into a bet where Shawn B. had to sink a putt completely naked, earning him his first black box on national television. Kaitlyn stole his clothes while he was golfing and this is where that magical, crafty editing skills of the ABC producers come in. Shawn B. ran after her and that was the scene they used to cut and overlay with Kaitlyn’s passionate gasps when she was with Nick.

After Shawn B.’s overnight, off-camera date, Nick was creepily waiting outside of the hotel room to have it out with Shawn. And by have it out I mean have another conversation inside their hotel room, where they just reaffirm their hatred for one another. It was futile and pointless and great nonetheless.

Talks with Chris Harrison

Chris Harrison finally got to do some hosting. He sat down in plush chairs by the roaring fire to talk out Kaitlyn’s relationships with each of the men. Kaitlyn revealed that Ben H. calms her, Nick brings out a serious and thoughtful side to her, and Shawn has both.

A Rare Rose Ceremony

Kaitlyn had a physical reaction to having to put the men through a rose ceremony and had to step out of the room for a moment to collect herself. I thought it was due to the plunging neck line of that red dress. “My heart is beating out of my chest right now.” Too easy, Kaitlyn, too easy. I have no idea what she said to the men during the rose ceremony because I was too distracted waiting for the nip slip to happen. In any case, Ben H. was sent home.

Hometowns

Kaitlyn met both Shawn B.’s family and Nick V.’s family. In case you weren’t aware from Andi’s season, Nick V. has a giant family. He is one of 10 siblings, the youngest of which is Bella, who asks the tough questions: Are you in love with my brother. Another fun fact, is that Nick is from Wisconsin, even though he now resides in Chicago. He also ran track back in the day. Other fun facts can be found here: 7 Things to Know About Waukesha Bachelorette Contestant Nick Viall. Nick’s mother was about to have a meltdown at the possibility of Nick getting is heartbroken for a second time via The Bachelor franchise. The rest of the siblings seemed cool with it.

Shawn B.’s family was great too. Shawn is the youngest of two sisters and no one in the family resembles any other family member. Some of them could possibly be related to Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn had a great time getting to know them and therein lies the problem. She was hoping that one of the family meet-and-greets would completely bomb so she could be like, yes, that one. That should be my future husband. Well good luck with that because that has yet to reveal itself to her.

Tweets of the Night:


  

Next week it is Men Tell All! And then the episode we’ve all been waiting for…who she chooses and if they’re still together After the Final Rose! Plus, Nick and Shawn B. get to meet the ‘rents.

Who are you most excited to see on The Men Tell All?

Who are you most excited to see on Bachelor in Paradise?

For the full cast list for Bachelor in Paradise, visit ABC.com. The season premiere is a two-night event on Sunday, August 2 at 8|7c and Monday, August 3 at 8|7c.

The Bachelorette Kaitlyn | Week 8 Quick Recap

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The group traveled to Killarney, Ireland this week, a small western Irish town. Shawn B. has selective amnesia and has conveniently forgotten Nick’s name, and Joe went out in grumpy fashion.

Who got kicked off: The last of the J names, Jared and Joe, are on their way home. Jared was let go at a rare rose ceremony, and Joe was dropped on a very awkward group date after professing his love for her.

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One-on-One:

Ben H. had the one-on-one. They went on a row boat. Kaitlyn told him all of her stresses, and Ben calmed her. Kaitlyn suspected he was a virgin because he’s so nice. For the record those things are related. If you’re nice you’re obviously a virgin. (Please sense the sarcasm.) And the spotlight on Kaitlyn’s love life remained.

Ben H. told Kaitlyn he thought he was “unloveable,” because he was so heartbroken over his last long-term relationship. The Twitter world blew up with professions of “I’ll love you, Ben!” and “That’s crazy talk!” Safe to say, Ben H. is a strong contender for next season’s Bachelor hunk.

Group Date:

Joe told Kaitlyn he loved her. And Kaitlyn was like oh man we gotta nip this in the bud right here. Just as Joe confessed his love for her, telling her he was in love with her, Kaitlyn told him they are not on the same page. Then things got awkward. Joe shut down and understandably got upset. Soooo he went home.

Next on this group date of uncomfortable emotions, Kaitlyn sent Nick back to the hotel while she had some one-on-one time with Shawn to drop a huge bomb on him that she slept with Nick. Shawn took it as best he could. He had to walk away for a bit, but came back and told her he still wanted to stick around.

The Face-Off:

Shawn B. sought out Nick’s hotel room. All that was accomplished of that was that he confronted Nick with what Nick already knew: Shawn doesn’t like him. Fun fact: Shawn B. kept calling him “The Other Guy” throughout the entire show with his interviews with producers. Great because there are still like four other guys on the show, and it’s not as though his name is Lord Voldemort.

Fantasy Suite Dates

Fantasy Suite dates have started. Nick got the first Fantasy Suite because we already know they’ve done that. Also, we got to see the morning after in the hotel room, which I can’t ever remember The Bachelor showing. Another first! I think Nick’s sole purpose on both Andi’s season and Kaitlyn’s season is to expose the back scene secrets of The Bachelor and what really goes on off camera. Not like we already didn’t know that.

Tweets of the night:

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Better Recaps:

I am a major fan of Possessionista. Her primary purpose is to identify all of the most-loved styles of the show, but her sharp-witted observations will give you a chuckle.

Kaitlyn Bristowe’s Bachelorette Blog on PEOPLE.com is a fun read. She talks about compartmentalizing the relationships, ALL of the emotions, and sex with Nick Viall.

According to Chris Harrison’s blogwe’re about to get the top blown off of this pressure cooker. Next week! Shawn B. and Nick are gonna have it out and Kaitlyn is going on the rest of her Fantasy Suite dates.

 

The Bachelorette Kaitlyn | Week 7 Recap

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Dublin, Ireland is where we left off last time. All of the emotions and tears are happening, Benzi was sent home sooner than expected, and Chris Harrison is back to his old tricks of forgetting all of the rules. (The twist is so good!)

Who got kicked off: The ones with red X’s were sent packing. JJ left on a two-on-one where he was beat out by Joe. Beautiful Benzi and Tanner were sent home at a rare rose ceremony. (Didn’t know we were still having those.) And Chris was sent home brutally on a one-on-one that didn’t even have a rose on it! (Ahh, there we go, that’s more like it. Rose ceremony, shmoze ceremony.)

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Two-On-One: JJ vs Joe

Single dad and the second half of the bachelor bromance JJ goes home to his daughter.

Joe and Kaitlyn sail away into the sunset.

Yep, that’s about it. All of the airtime was dedicated to Shawn B. 

Personal trainer Shawn B. is having some struggles. If you’ll recall, he fell hard and fast on like week 3 and since then has been having a rough time seeing Kaitlyn build relationships with other men. I swear people forget what show they’re going on. It’s not called You Only Get One. It’s called The Bachelorette and those other people you’re living with? Guess what? They’re also dating the same person. Surprise! Shawn B. went to see Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn, tears everywhere, thought he was going to tell her good-bye. But he stuck around. He was seeking confirmation and validation in her feelings for him, which we’ll find out later she seems to think bites her in the booty.

A Rose Ceremony

Benzi and Tanner were sent home. Still no one remembers who Tanner was as evidenced by the fact that he didn’t even get an exit interview. Meanwhile, I’m working on my wedding proposal to Benzi.

Kaitlyn is also riding shotgun on the struggle bus. She is worried the guys will find out about her and Nick. She is worried the reassurance with Shawn B. is going to affect her relationship with the other guys. She is worried she is going to be eaten by birds. There are lots of worries happening in poor Kaitlyn’s mind and the stress of dating 25 very attractive men is obviously getting to her.

Kaitlyn confessed to one part host, one part therapist Chris Harrison, “I do think things went too far with Nick. I feel bad that I have these relationships with these other guys that mean so much to me.”

So many tears. All of the emotions. The Bachelorette Show: 20 Kaitlyn: 0

What helped to start the waterworks was Ben H. bringing up some concern to Kaitlyn. Ben H. was like it upsets me to see you give validation to other guys to see you have connections with other guys. Then don’t go on The Bachelorette.

The show finally got to Kaitlyn. She got nervous when Ben H. brought up the fact that there was a visible change in Shawn B.’s demeanor after she gave him the validation he keeps asking for. Kaitlyn said, “I know I gave Shawn that reassurance…” But I’m gonna take it back now.

Kaitlyn went to Shawn and put him back on the verge of tears, telling him, “Let’s take a step back.” Yes, yes, let’s do that, because we only have a few weeks left. Excellent sense.

It got more drama-filled, but the overall takeaway is Kaitlyn is finally feeling teh affects of juggling more than one relationship. “I made mistakes. You can’t control everyone else’s feelings. I hurt people including myself.” Girl, don’t be so hard on yourself. 

The Twist

It’s Chris Harrison, author of The Perfect Letter to the rescue! Who needs rose ceremonies? Who needs fantasy suite dates? Who needs rules? Let’s make our own show. In all honesty I kind of like the new twist. And if physical chemistry is as important to Kaitlyn as she says it is, then she should love this change up.

Here is what Chris Harrison proposed:

He wants to “even the playing field” and  give off-camera time to the rest of the guys like Nick had. This means they want to skip straight to the good stuff. Instead of Hometown dates followed by Fantasy Suite dates, they are switching it around. Next week, 3 will go home leaving 3 guys for the Fantasy Suite dates. Then from there, there will only be 2 hometown dates.

After that was announced to the guys, each guy got a one-on-one date with no rose on it. But that didn’t mean they were staying.

One-On-One: Chris Cupcake Dentist man was left stranded on the cliffs. There was one moment all of America jumped out of their seats reaching at the television shouting, “Don’t jump! Don’t do it! It’s not worth it!” The crew was filming awfully close to the edge and at one point Chris crumpled to the ground sobbing with a crew member uncomfortably jumping to aid trying to assess the situation.

Quote of the Night: “She deserves a lifetime of happiness and I’m not sure she’s ready to find that yet. Just looking at her, she’s a mess.” Listen, Chris. If I had to choose only one man between 25 incredibly attractive men, I would be a mess too. Let’s cut her some slack.

Tweets of the Night:

Twitter was great Monday and I almost let it do my recap for me. How can you go wrong, when someone brings back the Kelsey stare. Hat tip to you, Robyn Ross. Hat tip to you.

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How do you feel about the new structure? Fantasy Suite Dates and then only two hometowns?

The Bachelorette Kaitlyn | Week 6 Recap

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We tune in right where we left off. Princeton / Deerfield grad Ian is letting out 5 weeks of frustration on Kaitlyn. Free tip: If you want to be the next Bachelor, don’t say that on camera. They almost always paint you as the fool. No one’s going to choose the haughty personality to be the next Bachelor. They’re going to use you as fodder for the Bachelor limo-ride-home fire. Ian’s departing words: “I need sex.”

Who got kicked off: Ian left in an air of dramatics. No one remembers who Justin was, and Joshua was the one with the bad haircut courtesy of Kaitlyn on last week’s episode.

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Ian was frustrated that he wasn’t having enough intellectual conversations with the guys nor with Kaitlyn. So he let that be known to Kaitlyn, while simultaneously calling her shallow and surface level.

Kaitlyn: “I’ve never had so many people questioning me. This is so overwhelming.”

“I hope it ended on good terms,” some guy watching Ian walk out. You’re stupid.

To the rescue is Nick! Nick V. swooped in to pick up the pieces. He comforted Kaitlyn, and they made out.

A rose ceremony! What is this? A rose ceremony? Well that’s new. And at The Alamo no less. I appreciate the symbolism, ABC. Hat tip to you.

Tanner is the last one called. And no one knows who Tanner is. Joshua is gone. And the crew is off to…

Dublin, Ireland

Kaitlyn has always wanted to go to Ireland, and Shawn B. is all fired up because he has a big Irish family, and all of the men are still wearing hoodies. I swear it’s like a Bachelor uniform or a required section on The Bachelor application form: Must own 10 hoodies. Different colors preferred.

One-on-One: Nick and the hotel room.

It was basically a lot of kissing and grabbing. But if you actually want to know what they did on their date, they walked through a park, did some irish dancing, Nick bought them both rings, they visited a local pub, and went to dinner in a cathedral. Then afterwards they banged. Nick, like everyone thought, was the one she took to her hotel room before fantasy suite dates. 

At least when Nick did the walk of shame home, he didn’t throw Kaitlyn under the bus. He said they “talked” on the couch. Maybe he learned a thing or two from Andi’s season. Or maybe it will come out again on the After The Final Rose episode.

Group Date

Chris Harrison announces to the group that Kaitlyn is dead…for today. The one time you actually get to host and that’s how you introduce it. Pick it up, Chris H. You’re better than that. The date was a weird one, where Kaitlyn laid in a casket and had each of the men celebrate her life with a poem about her and then an Irish jig.

I gained new respect for Tanner this week after his lovely and witty poem to Kaitlyn. Finally I saw his cleverness. he made a quip about no one knowing who he was. Accurate. I give you endless kudos Tanner. Not that I’m still going to remember who you are, but you take those useless kudos.

What did I tell you about the word “honesty?” Honesty is back, and I know you’re probably hanging your head in shame if you didn’t add it to those Bachelor Board Drinking games. Only this time it was super awkward for anyone watching and knowing what she just did with Nick. Jared told Kaitlyn on their one-on-one time, “I know you’re honest with me.” Cringe.

Kaitlyn gave the rose to Jared on the group date, and Shawn B. is on the train to struggle town. Shawn B. shared photos of his giant Irish family, and is not getting the validation from Kaitlyn that he needs.

Kaitlyn and Jared got to go off to their own private concert, while the rest of the guys went back to the hotel room. Chris Cupcake, ever the optimist, told the group of guys, “Maybe it’s not so much her saying ‘no’ to us but her saying ‘yes’ to him.”

Benzi, my favorite kid, responded with, “Yeah, that sucks no matter what.” Amen, Benzi. Tell it like it is.

You’re missing these deep intellectual conversations, Ian! Speaking of intellectual, I think it’s time for…

Tweets of the Night:

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And the cutest tweet of the night goes out to Robyn Ross for this gem.

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Just kidding, cutest tweet goes to USWeekly which tweeted quite possibly the most adorable photo of JP Rosenbaum and baby Fordham Rhys Rosenbaum. Team Original Cupcake you kill me with cuteness. For all you peeps uncertain, Ashley and JP claimed stakes on the beloved cupcake moniker long before Dentist Chris Cupcake rolled onto the scene. (Which now that I think about it, Ashley was also a dentist. Is this some sort of ironic inside dentist joke, the common folk like me are just not privy to?) And that right there is there is their adorable offspring of one Bachelor success story who will never have a cavity in his life.

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Two on one: JJ and Joe go at it next time because we obviously didn’t have time for two rose ceremonies in one episode. Now that would just be crazy. Instead, we ended with Shawn B. headed into Kaitlyn’s hotel room after the date, and not for the same reasons Nick visited. Shawn B. is not happy and next week we find out why not.

Meanwhile, no one gives a you know what about Britt and Brady. Brady meets Britt’s mom supposedly for the first time and her mom says Britt’s made a nice friend. Yeah. It’s true. I still don’t care.

The Bachelorette Kaitlyn | Week 5 Recap

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Yeehaw! We’re in San Antonio, Texas for Mariachia outfits, drama, and a Princeton grad meltdown. Honesty is the key word tonight. That was a big theme this episode, and one you should definitely add to those Bachelor Board Drinking Games.

Who got kicked off: Finally, a rose ceremony! Three men were sent home. Don’t worry, it’s no one you know or would be able to remember from the herd of hunky men. The one’s with red X’s were sent on their way.

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One-On-One: Sperm man Ben H. gets the first one-on-one and opens up to Kaitlyn about his last relationship. They entered a quick step competition with some legitimate honky tonk champions. Surprisingly, they made it past the first round.

Group Date: Mariachi Band

This may have been the most painful group date yet. And you thought wearing man diapers was bad. This is what we have come to find this season: If you’re going on a group date with Kaitlyn, you are not going to look good, as evidenced by this band of Mariachi men. The men (hats and all) serenaded Kaitlyn. I use the term “serenaded” loosely. Although, Kaitlyn’s rendition might have been the worst of the bunch. Nick asked to perform his serenade from the balcony to the displeasure of all of the other bachelors.

Nick V. got the rose in a defiant act by Kaitlyn to show the men she means business, which might partially be due to Joshua’s talk with her.

Joshua’s Fall and Awkward Circle Time

Joshua fell pretty fast from Kaitlyn’s good graces. He tried to call out Nick. Kaitlyn got all defensive and accused people of lying to her face. She threw out the word honest a lot and that was the time to start taking shots for every time that word was uttered. Then. THEN she gathered all of the men for awkward circle time. It was the best. This was not your average dorm room RA conflict intervention of let’s use “I feel this when you do this” phrases. This was let’s throw you under the bus circle time. Kaitlyn called out Joshua to the guys and then tried to pinpoint anyone who questioned her motives.

The best part was Joshua had to sit through this with an awful, helter-skelter haircut Kaitlyn had given him just minutes before. Ironically, it was his way of showing her he trusted her.

One-On-One: Personal trainer Shawn B. kayaked through the city of San Antonio with Kaitlyn and showed what a standup guy he was by letting Kaitlyn know Joshua’s outburst came from a good place. He also told her about a car crash he survived, where his car rolled 6 times and police said they’ve never seen anyone survive that. He credited it to snapping his seatbelt on minutes before the crash occurred.

The L Word!

Red alert! This might be the earliest someone has said they’re falling for someone. Shawn B. was the first one to say to Kaitlyn he was falling in love with her. Jared did say he was falling in love with her, but that was to the producers. Doesn’t count. What’s even better is Kaitlyn said, “I feel the same way.” What! You can’t do that! Screw contracts and terms of non-disclosure. Screw rose ceremonies. I do what I want.

Ian’s Meltdown

Princeton grad, track athlete, model, man of lots of ex-girlfriends. Did I miss anything? I’m sure he’ll let us know next episode. Ian had a little tantrum because he wasn’t number one in Kaitlyn’s pool of men. He noticed she wasn’t giving him as much attention and he wanted to go out in a blazing ball of glory. He pulled Kaitlyn aside at the cocktail party and just shouldered into it. Gists of his tirades:

“She’s not half as hot as my ex-girlfriend.”

“You’re surface level and I’m starting to wonder if there’s anything below the surface.”

“I came here to meet the girl whose heart was crushed by Chris Soules, not the girl who wanted to plow his field.”

“I think you just want to be here to make-out with a bunch of guys.”

Spoiler Alert

For all you cheaters out there, there’s an ultimate spoiler awash in Bachelor world. Kaitlyn snapchatted a photo of her in bed with the supposed winner of the show. Thank you, screenshots, because now that is forever floating around the interwebs. There’s speculation a producer leaked it to throw people off the scent, but I really don’t think that’s likely. I don’t want to know (and I’m afraid of what I’ll find should I Google Bachelor Snapchat) so I’m not including a link, but for you spoilers, Google away!

Who do you think makes it to the Fantasy Suite BEFORE the Fantasy Suite dates? And is that the person she ends up with? I’m genuinely curious. We’ll find out next week who the mystery man is and what else Ian has to say to Kaitlyn before strutting out the door. Don’t forget. Honest. Add it. It’s definitely coming back next episode and throughout the season. Until next week, Bachelor Fans!

The Bachelorette Kaitlyn | Week 4 Recap

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Cameos of Bachelor rejects galore, still no rose ceremony (because who needs those?), and Nick V. is BACK. Kaitlyn and the bachelors packed their bags and headed to the very anti-climatic location of New York this week!

Who got kicked off: Clint is out the door. And just like that, the bromance of JJ and Clint ended.

Bachelor-Board_Kaitlynweek4Group Date: Rapping

I missed most of this group date, but I’m sure the lyrics were cheesy and the good name of swagger was wiped through the dirt. It was the after party that was most important. Ashley Princess Jasmine from Kaitlyn’s season of The Bachelor was in the audience and when Kaitlyn went to say hello, there was also a surprise dude there. Nick V.! Nick as we’ll remember from just the last season of The Bachelorette (Andi’s season) called Andi out on After the Final Rose for sleeping with him, or rather “put her on blast” if we were to steal from my beautiful bachelor contestants words. The men seemed none too pleased to have that be the particular bachelor stealing Kaitlyn’s affection and coming into the house (or more accurately hotel room). I’m considerably questioning Kaitlyn’s taste in men. Let’s just take Benzi and call the whole thing off.

Nick V. told her he wanted to try to date her. Apparently they had talked a handful of times over text messaging. As Kaitlyn was wrestling with the decision to keep Nick V. around or not, he layed a kiss on her, y’know just in case she needed help making her decision.

At the after party, which took place on a boat, Kaitlyn told the men that remain that she was thinking about bringing on Nick V. to gauge their reaction. What do you think it’s going to be? Dude, no one’s going to like that, unless you’re weirdly understanding like Jared (you’ll see below). “I still don’t really know what I’m doing,” she prefaced before giving the rose to Justin. Justin was less than enthused. Ryan Gosling Look-A-Like had the best reaction to the news after downing his glass of beer.

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The Return of Nick V. AND ASHLEY S.!

Peace and order have been restored and all is right with the world. Ashley S. is back in action, styling Kaitlyn’s hair no less. I’ve missed that girl. A woman of many talents – zombie hunting, pomegranate picking…and even love advice. She let Kaitlyn know that that was lust she was feeling for Nick V., not love, so she better be aware of it. Kaitlyn was like yeah okay, and then made out with Nick V. in a park after she told him she was going to keep him. She said she would regret not exploring that relationship. I get it. There was chemistry. Whatever. Just please, Nick, if you’re going to be on this season, get a new cardigan. We all have to watch you.

One-on-One: The Met

Jared for some unknown reason got the one-on-one date. I could not figure out how he had made it this far, especially with his “Love Man” superpowers intro video at the beginning of the season. Then he gave a very sweet, reassuring speech to Kaitlyn that it was alright that she kept Nick around. Kaitlyn had been worrying about the bachelors’ reactions for her decision to keep Nick. Jared, love powers that he owns, told her it was her journey and if that was what she needed to be absolutely sure, then she should do it.

Then they flew away on a helicopter and Jared said he could see himself marrying her and that’s the night he fell in love. (I’m still questioning the editing on that one if that was in fact the moment or if they took creative liberties to slice and dice. Doesn’t matter! I’m on board that helicopter ride. Let’s do this!) 

But really, could you see yourself marrying her? she just brought another dude back on the show. Like that day. Before you went on your date. You’re love man. I get it, but that can’t be good for your odds.

The Group Date That Wasn’t: Broadway Show

Kaitlyn planned a group date for them to perform on a Broadway stage. Her favorite show was Aladdin. As one of the men put it, “Kaitlyn likes to plan dates that we’re not good at.” After a long and painful date of the men singing and dancing, they found out that they were all going to be sent back to the hotel sans one lucky dude who would get to spend one-on-one time with Kaitlyn, actually starring in that performance that night. And by starring, I mean showing up on stage for as little as is humanly possible or bounded by their contract with the play’s producers.

Chris Cupcake Dentist man scored alone time with Kaitlyn after winning the Broadway auditions. But not before completely annihilating any chance he had of making it as a Broadway actor. The panel of Broadway producers were hilariously debating whether Chris’ audition for a part in the show was authentic or not. It was really comical to see them go back and forth on deducing whether he was making fun of the production, reeeeally trying, or just plain terrible. Turns out it was the latter, but he won for all of his A+ Dentistry effort.

The play’s director: “I don’t think he’s making fun of it. I think he just has no idea what he’s doing.”

Daaayum, Chris Cupcake has a bod. Remind me to switch dentists.

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Chris and Kaitlyn got to star in a Broadway show for a hot second. And had someone escorting them on, off, and around the stage. The play’s director was probably like keep a strong eye on that one; we don’t want any audition repeats.

Again no more rose ceremonies. Kaitlyn chose to forego the rose ceremony at the beginning of the show after Clint’s departure. This was much to the guys’ dismay that she would not be eliminating JJ that night. Kaitlyn is not making popular choices with the men this season. It’s not Take Your Time season. that defeats the entire purpose of the show. 6 weeks to meet, date, fall in love, and get married. Get on board, Kaitlyn! I know we’re on this new “there are no rules” kick thanks to Chris Harrison last season, but let’s pull ourselves together.

No rose ceremony but we did see Nick V. preparing to enter into the hotel room with the other guys.

And for all you haters, Britt and Brady are still together. And it looks like we’ll get to have an update on their relationship every. single. episode. Really looking forward to that, said no one ever. At the end of the show Britt said, “I wouldn’t be dating him if I didn’t think I could be marrying him.” Orrr getting more airtime. Ryan Gosling Look-A-Like knows what’s up.
Screenshot 2015-06-08 21.02.16 Tweets of the night:

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Next week, maybe we’ll get a rose ceremony. Maybe we’ll get another helicopter ride. Maybe we’ll get to see a whole lot more of Ashley S. and return to the Mesa Verde. One can hope. What we do know is Nick V. is entering the hotel room and joining this season of The Bachelorette.

 

The Bachelorette Kaitlyn | Week 3 Recap

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Just so we’re all on the same page: Tony the Healer wants to imitate animals or go skydiving. Y’know, non-violent things. Ben H. compared himself to a sperm. And Clint has a man crush on JJ. Kaitlyn’s brigade of knights in shining armor are slowly diminishing and not because she’s eliminating them at rose ceremonies.

Who got kicked off: Finishing the rose ceremony from last week, two tall glasses of water left ahead of Tony. Tony. The Healer with the black eye, just so we’re clear. As we’ll remember Kupah was kicked off before the rose ceremony last week and left in a haze of exasperation. Southern gents Cory and Daniel were let go Monday. BEFORE the Healer! OK. I’m done now.

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Group Date: Sumo Wrestling

Nothing like men in thong diapers to really get you going. Kaitlyn just wants to see her men face off and naked just all of the time. Joe struggled a little with keeping his junk in the trunk, or in this case, his man diaper. He just allowed his one ball to remain free and open for the whole world to see. Kaitlyn even donned a spandex diaper ensemble and went swinging around the professional sumo wrestler.

Tony was all kinds of not zenned out when they had to sumo wrestle a couple very large Japanese men. At first he was like, check out this balance. I’m going to CRUSH THEM! And then he was like I’m so sensitive and don’t believe in this fighting. Why can’t we pick dates like going to the zoo and imitate animals or skydiving. I’m with Tony here, why can’t we go to the zoo and imitate animal noises? I grew up near the San Diego Zoo. Great spot. Now, which zoo are we talking here? I’ve been to some crappy zoo’s, Tony. They all pale in comparison to San Diego Zoo.

Tony said (a couple times, in fact, just reiterate), “I see the world through the eyes of a child. I have the heart of a warrior and the soul of a gypsy.” Namaste, Tony.

Soon thereafter, Tony packed his things and put on his desert-patterned parka and walked out. Before quitting, Tony stated, “I’m not a quitter. I’m walking away on my own terms.” Yeah definitely different. Again, with the epically great quotes tonight, Tony. Hats off to you, sir.

The second best quote goes to Chris Cupcake Dentist commenting on the bachelors’ attempts at wrestling the sumo wrestlers:

“I think they would have had better luck hitting a brick wall. They grabbed them by the diaper and bitch-slapped them to the ground.”

I think Kaitlyn has already chosen personal trainer and Ryan Gosling look-a-like Shawn B as the winner. She wears her heart on her sleeve and also her drool. You could see her fawning over him on their one-on-one, love in her eyes. Shawn B. received the rose on the group date.

One-on-One: Ben Z. Benzi as he shall now be named, got the one-on-one date with Kaitlyn and a hot tub date to boot, but not before powering through an Escape the Room, but torture-style, date. Kaitlyn let Chris Harrison choose her date for her. And Chris Harrison was like [evil laugh] see if you ever want to let me choose another date again. That’s not in my job description. I have a book to promote. Coming to a Santa Monica store near you.

Ben Z. a hulking man of a man led her through the room, holding her hand the entire way. “I want to protect her,” Ben Z. said. “And I’m like I might have to punch that guy in the face,” he said in reference to the zombie actor in the room.

“Kaitlyn has a death grip on my hand. My hand is going numb.” Kaitlyn has a fear of birds, which as @aliciaSPN and many other Twitter peeps so aptly pointed out, she has bird tattoos on her arms.

My favorite tweets of the night came from @thebachelorinterns, who as they so aptly pointed out, had to gather the snakes and scorpions and the like for that date.

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Ah yes, the lesser known Snakes on a Toilet by ABC’s The Bachelorette. Benzi had to dive his hand into a toilet bowl of snakes and weird stuff that looked like puke.

The final clue told the couple to “kiss,” not “kill,” which was originally thought to be the ending to that clue. After the death-defying Escape room date, Benzi and Kaitlyn hot-tubbed it up and Benzi opened up about his mom.

Sweet quote by Benzi: “You never know if this is the first date with the person you could spend the rest of your life with.”

Group Date: Sex Education

Each of the men on this date received a topic related to sex education that they then had to teach to a group of kids. What they didn’t know was that these kids were student actors and planted there to ask uncomfortable and inappropriate questions. It was fantastic.

Ben H. Software Salesman took the cake. His topic was reproduction. he started with a story and compared himself to a sperm beating out all of the other sperm to get to an egg, which in this little scenario is Kaitlym. Also, apparently he volunteers at his friend’s nonprofit orphanage in Honduras to teach children. SO there’s that. At the after party Ben H. took her up to the top of the roof and dipped her over the edge. He got the rose.

Twitter: @Kellytravisty – Where’s the amateur sex coach when you need him? #TheBachelorette

Bromance of JJ and Clint

Clint’s game plan on the group date was to have Kaitlyn pull him aside. Wait a second here, are you the bachelorette, Clint? Because I am confused. We LATER find out the reason Clint’s being standoffish is because he has a man crush on JJ! We’ve been waiting for this moment to happen and here it is: Season 11 of The Bachelorette. At the cocktail party, Clint realizes his error and that he needs Kaitlyn to stay in the house so he can continue his bromance. So tries to play her at the cocktail party. But it appears Kaitlyn got wind of this developing bromance from all of the other guys in the house and is going to put an end to that. Kaitlyn is not about those rose ceremonies. One wrong step and you are stepping out the door.

Next week, we find out the details behind the bromance and who is headed home.

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