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Yes, you can expect the first night to be filled with prom dress look-a-likes, a few girls that have had one-too-many a drink, a bathroom crier, and many many an awkward introduction/interaction, but this week’s episode took the cake. From the get-go the uncomfortableness set in.

Starting with…what the what was Arie doing there? (Arie was on the last season of The Bachelorette with Emily Maynard and Sean.) So why not bring him back to give Sean a little advice? Because that seems totally normal. That whole scene with him and Sean felt forced and that the pair were just reciting whatever lines ABC fed them.

Who got kicked off: Looks like we won’t need to give nicknames to the Ashley’s after all. Among the departed were “50 Shades of Drunk” Ashley P. (see below for explanation), cruise ship singer Kelly, Bachelor Pad 3 Reject Paige, and the Italian Mobster’s Daughter Lauren.

Night One

Surprise! Kacie B. is back: Yep, Facebook fans were right. That mystery woman in the earlier premiere photos was in fact Kacie B. (from last season of The Bachelor with Ben F.). According to Sean’s blog (yes, he has a blog – more poking fun at that later) they met at a fundraiser and hung out. He had mentioned that he had viewed her as a friend then; so was surprised she had come out, but was excited to “explore the possibility of a romantic relationship.” So basically not promising at all. Hello, friend zone. By the sound of it, it doesn’t appear Kacie B. makes it very far.

Most awkward moment: Let’s create that awkward moment on purpose. Sound fun? When did that ever become a good idea, Amanda? She gets out of the limo and tells Sean they should get the awkward moment out of the way. Then proceeds to hold his hands and awkwardly smile for entirely too long. Sean’s response: “You know what, that wasn’t that awkward for me.” Lies, Sean, lies. That’s not the way to start a relationship.

More awkward moments: Substitute teacher Lindsay showed up in a wedding dress and proceeded to plant a kiss on Sean straight out of the limo. As the night progressed she become more and more insecure about her decision to wear the dress and “show Sean her kooky side.” Ok kids, this is where you stop watching Ms Lindsay turn to the bottle for a little liquid courage.

Clever intro of the night: Goes to Lesley from DC. She brought a football. She did her research. Sean played college football back in the day so was ready to run the play Lesley wanted. Little did he know he was getting played. Taking the quarterback position she just kept repeating “Blue 42,” no intention of having Sean hike the ball, just enjoying the view.

Cutest moment of the night: Goes to Desiree. (Just for a moment I’m going to overlook the fact that the previews showed her as being the one with a boyfriend.) Surprisingly the bridal consultant Desiree wasn’t the one who showed up in a wedding gown (ahem substitute teacher Lindsay). Desiree brought pennies to throw in the fountain in front of the mansion. Plus, bonus points for her super cute and classy red dress.

What-the-what-just-happened of the night: Apparently, Tierra has mastered the art of the first impression. All she had to do was step out of the limo, show Sean her heart tattoo and BAM rose. Is that all I have to do to get a guy? Sign me up. Where’s the tattoo parlor? I’d like a finger heart please.

Stupid quote of the night: “He’s my dream man. If I could just dream a man up it would be him.” - Selma. Thank you for clarifying, Selma. I was really confused by what you meant by “dream man.” Glad that’s cleared up.

Awesome quote of the night: Goes to Sean. “50 Shades of Grey just became 50 shades of drunk.” I thought that was pretty clever until I read Possessionista’s response:

Screen shot 2013-01-11 at 10.35.11 PM

Explanation: Ashley P. has earned the nickname 50 Shades of Grey because she brought a gray tie that she ever so classily pulled out of her bra upon first meeting Sean. She dangled it in the air and asked if he would show her how to use it later. Not OK. The stunned look on Sean’s face was pretty priceless, though. As to be expected she classily flashed her butt tattoo to the camera on the way out. I’m sorry Ashley, we were looking for finger tattoos. Better luck next time.

Best tweets of the night: @Possessionista was on fire yesterday. Her quips were storming the Twittosphere. A few are below.

Screen shot 2013-01-11 at 10.38.55 PM

Screen shot 2013-01-11 at 10.35.00 PMThrowback to Ben’s season of The Bachelor where Jenna Burke had a meltdown on night one and locked herself in the bathroom for basically the entire night. Fun fact: Ben still gave her a rose that night. Relive that moment here. This time it was Taryn that had a slight meltdown and shed some tears on the mansion’s steps.Screen shot 2013-01-11 at 10.36.34 PM

Catherine asked one of the other girls to “explain where this rose came from.” I can tell I’m not going to like Catherine very much. For those who missed the episode last night, Sean decided to mix it up and hand out roses whenever he felt like it. So basically say a few words, maybe show him your heart tattoo, and you’re through to the next round sans rose ceremony.
Screen shot 2013-01-11 at 10.38.12 PMLet’s be real, 17 seasons and it’s just an overwhelming amount of white staring back at you. Well this season ABC decided to mix it up a bit with Sarah (who lost one arm at birth) and more ethnicities to the bunch. This came on the heels of a lawsuit in 2012 for racial discrimination. Two men claimed their applications to be on the show were not given equal consideration because they were black. The lawsuit was eventually dropped, but obviously not forgotten by ABC casting.

Ladies to watch: This is based off of who I saw in the preview clips.

Tierra – Gets a rose right out of the limo, all the ladies hate her

Desiree – Her boyfriend comes back for her. Awkward.

Lindsay – Despite the wedding dress, I think she makes it pretty far on the dates

Robyn – Super cute. Failed attempt at back bend getting out of the limo, but quirky and cute.

Until next time, Bachelor Fans!!

 

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