Derby Days, First Roses, Bumper Car Flashbacks and Family meetings
We’re off to the races. Becca got the first date. Krystal got a rose and went straight to meet the parents. 15 ladies went on the group date and played adult-sized bumper cars. Krystal revealed she had a tough life growing up and her brother was homeless. Annaliese revealed she doesn’t like bumper cars. I’d like to apologize on behalf of all the Twitter taunters if you have ever been personally victimized by bumper car trauma. Seinne won the group date derby and got to drink a cup of milk. Connor Duermit sang on Krystal’s date, and Bekah and Arie had a major make out sesh. Her words not mine. (Also, does anyone feel the need to shout Be-cah! every time you read her name? No? Just me? You have ruined me, Pitch Perfect.)
Who got kicked off: Jenny, Lauren G., and Valerie were sent home never to be remembered again. Although, Jenny did make a dramatic exit, breezing by Arie and telling him she was there to make friends and apparently this was the first time she was broken up with. Well, she is handling it well.
**Update: For those that were emailed, endless apologies, I got distracted by the Be-caws! and just crossed her off, but never fear, both Beccas are here.
Next week on The Bachelor the ladies are going to be real life Glow. If you haven’t watched Glow yet and have no idea what I’m talking about. Get your Netflix out and study up before Monday, because it is awesome. Plan your matching outfits and steady those wine glasses, it’s about to get good.
Also, Arie and Chris Harrison planned their outfit together. Adorbs.
A Classic car, Pitstops, and Sean Lowe Returns to Give More Advice.
Happy New Year! Happy New Bachelor Day! Arie is back in action! And he’s taking pointers from Sean Lowe and Catherine Giudici who are now a daddy and mommy of one soon-to-be two adorable kiddos.
Who got kicked off: Ali, Amber, Bri, Brittane J., Jessica, Lauren J., Nysha, Olivia were all the girls we will never know kicked off night one.
First Impression Rose: Chelsea who talked to Arie first and then a second time again. Chelsea is a single mama who likes to stir up drama.
First Kiss: Brittany T. took the first kiss after a mini race in mini vehicles.
Best First Impression: While Bekah led the race for America’s hearts rolling up in a cherry red ’65 mustang, announcing “I may be young, but I can still appreciate something classic,” it was Maquel the photographer that took the lead by pulling up in a two-seater indycar. She not only removed the helmet, but threw it to the side and flipped her long, blonde locks 007 style.
Worst First Impression: It has to go to “pitstop” girl who made Arie smell her armpits to hit him with the icebreaker, “That had to be the best ‘pitstop’ you’ve ever had.” Just no. Do you ever want the guy you’re dating to smell your pits? I don’t think so. I don’t care how funny your pun is. Pay attention to the deodorant commercials!
Fun Fact: Raven’s friend Tia is on this season. She has the same distinguishable southern drawl, same hobbies and same charm.
Let’s go! Arie’s winning my heart with his sincerity, appreciation for corny jokes and his excitement to find love.
Get those wine glasses…oh who are we kidding…boxes ready for next week because we are hitting the ground running.
Corinne brought out the champagne mid-show and Chris Harrison basked in his two whole hours of screen time.
Chris Harrison got 2 whole hours of face time and he was. loving. it. He even got a rose ceremony. Take that, Nick.
Sarah: “It was so hard to walk night one because it was rainy, so it was wet.”
Chris Harrison: “Those were actually tears of previous Bachelorettes.”
Chris Harrison coming in hot. His redemption episode.
Who got kicked off: Rachel the next Bachelorette was finally kicked off of this season as ABC already released the spoiler that she was the next Bachelorette. Bachelor Bus is Back!
The Bachelor Bus is this glorious bus that takes Chris Harrison and the current Bachelor, this season being Nick, to all of the Bachelor viewing parties with giant numbers of ladies. They breezed through the UCLA campus to sorority row.
Dolphin Shark returned in style. An audience member wore a left shark costume just as Alexis did that glorious night one. Only this audience member didn’t get drunk. Alexis was asked what the difference was between a dolphin and a shark. She identified that a shark has gills. I guess life has taught her things post-bachelor.
On the hot seat
Liz went on a soapbox about loving yourself.
Kristina about living a life in color.
Rachel on being the next Bachelorette. “I don’t want to get caught up in everything. [gets distracted by the audience member in the left shark costume.] I’m sorry I just saw the person in the shark costume.”
Tonight is the 3 hour finale!!!! Yes. 3 hours. Buckle up, Bachelor Nation.
Vacation time’s over, Raquel. Corinne is coming home.
Fantasy Suite dates in Finland have arrived! ABC keeps trying to make us second guess will he or won’t he take the ladies to the Fantasy Suite to make sweet suite love. By now we’ve seen Nick on this show four times. It’s not really a secret.
Who got kicked off: Corinne was sent home in a very rare rose ceremony. Nick called Vanessa last and after he handed the rose out, Corinne broke down immediately into tears. We only cry in the limo ride, Corinne! And in good ol’ Corinne fashion after she entered the limo and finished an interview, she promptly took a nap. I mean Lincoln took naps. Michael Jordan took naps. You do you, boo.
She’ll be fine. Nothing a little cheese pasta can’t cure. I’m sure those tears will be promptly wiped away as soon as you can say Bachelor in Paradise. Finally, next week, Chris Harrison reclaims his glory in Women Tell All. We’ve missed you good fellow.
Andi coming back was a fakeout. She was just a producer ploy that they brought back to have her check in with Nick on how his dates were progressing. No chance these two were getting back together. But they made amends from that time long ago and Andi went on her stylish way.
Raven They didn’t show all of Raven’s date because it was only an hour-long Bachelor episode this week. But we did get enough air time to find out Raven has only been with her previous boyfriend and never had an orgasm. Sooo there’s that. Raven likes to share. Next week we’ll find out how the Fantasy Suite date went for the two of them and see Rachel and Vanessa’s dates.
“With every step of the way you’ve made it easy for me to love you.” – Raven and a hallmark card out there somewhere
Nick’s Finland Sweater
When in Finland do as the Finnish do. Can we all just take a moment to appreciate this sweater? I mean it must be cold in Finland. Just look at Raven’s shoulderless top.
Author’s Note: I still don’t know how to turn off captions on my television. So you’re welcome
Next week is a 3-hour special. First we find out what happens with the rest of those Fantasy Suite Dates and then we bring back the ladies for Women Tell All. So get those wine fridges stocked and ready!
Finally! At long last we meet the true hero of the show: Nanny Raquel. And she is everything. Nick got a fancy new outfit. And Andi Dorfman returned.
Bring out the cheese pasta, it’s time to meet Raquel!
Raven, Rachel, Corinne and Vanessa are the four ladies who received hometown dates. But oh wait, what’s that? Andi Dorfman returned.
Who got kicked off: No rose ceremony. Andi returned. Kristina was kicked off last week before hometowns.
Hometowns! If we thought Nick struggled with planning dates, we weren’t preparing ourselves. The ladies really upped him on that one. Raven took him on a swamp date. Rachel put him through the interracial couple ringer. Corinne took him shopping. And Vanessa took him to everyone she could round up in Canada.
Raven – Hoxie, AR
Raven took him to Hoxie, AR where they rode 4-wheelers through a swamp and almost got arrested by her police officer brother. As a practical joke, Raven told Nick that in Hoxie they tell secrets at the grain bin, which I’m pretty sure if you’re not careful and fall in could kill you quickly. Like suffocate you and stuff. Not sexy. She had him climb up it with her. The police arrived, one officer went to the production crew and the other to Raven and Nick. Nick got visibly frightened and then the officer revealed he was Raven’s brother. Point for Raven!
Raven didn’t say ‘I love you,’ but I thought she said something close to that in a nice way. “There is no hesitation on my end for what becomes of this.”
Raven’s Boutique:Grey || Suede They have some Bachelor/ette-themed items you may want to add to your collection.
Rachel – Dallas, TX
Rachel the adorable attorney took Nick to church and then to meet her family. They talked a lot about interracial marriage. Her family is equally adorable.
Nick claimed he and Rachel “have the most explosive chemistry of them all.”
Nick: “I’m not color blind. I know you’re black.” It doesn’t matter to him because he sees her as a person he’s very much attracted to.
If by now you don’t know Rachel is the next bachelorette you have been actively avoiding all news and I feel it is my duty to tell you. Spoiler Alert: It’s Rachel.
Glamour reports in an interview on Live With Kelly, Chris Harrison let viewers know the reason for the announcement coming so early. He said it had to do with filming schedules for The Bachelorette and giving people enough time to sign up to audition for her season. It was to benefit her, he said.
Corinne – Miami, FL
Corinne dropped a cool $3k on a clothing shopping spree. Corinne also dropped the L-bomb on Nick after a casual lunch date. He smiled a smile of love and kissed her. Corinne’s dad fed him homegrown olives and expensive scotch with thumb indents on the glasses.
Pro Shopping Tip from Corinne: The dressing room is your holy ground.
Corinne to her dad: I love him.
Corinne (not understanding why her dad is confused): We’ve been dating a 1 1/2 months now.
Yup. 3 group dates a relationship makes.
There was talk about Corinne possibly being the breadwinner in the relationship.
The most exciting moment was getting to meet Raquel! Corinne’s nanny Raquel had dinner with the fam and is just truly amazing.
Vanessa – Montreal, QC
Vanessa brought back the scrapbook. She took him to see her special education students and forced them, I mean had them, make ANOTHERscrapbook of her time with Nick on the show. Her students were adorable. Kevin is my hero. They all approved of Nick. She also took Nick to both her mom’s house and dad’s house because her parents are divorced. Her mom’s house had half of Montreal in there all speaking Italian. Her dad’s house was quieter with just her dad and his new wife.
Everyone traveled to Brooklyn, NY for the rose ceremony, including an unexpected guest…
Andi Dorfman Nick’s old lover who chose Josh over him returned and next week we find out what that means.
Fun Fact: Andi was a lawyer. Rachel is an attorney. And Raven went to law school. Common thread, Nick?
Best tweets of the night: These entertaining tweeters.
Do you think Andi came back for Nick? Or to give much-needed advice and guidance?
All of the tears…from Nick. Rose ceremonies, who needs ’em. The world is waiting with bated breath to meet Corinne’s Nanny. And the new Bachelorette is announced weeks early.
The group traveled to Bimini this week! Quick, find it on a map! All of the ladies got very excited.
Who got kicked off: Danielle M. America’s Sweetheart was sent home on a one-on-one. Nick just didn’t think their Wisconsin ties could cut it. Kristina our beloved Russian was also given the boot. Nick had a sit down with Kristina at the house before the cocktail party and rose ceremony that just doesn’t seem to want to happen and expressed how much he loved her, which was why he couldn’t bring her on the next level of Hometowns and Fantasy Suite dates because emotions get heightened and he already felt strongly for a couple other girls. Prior to that, Nick had told Chris Harrison, I want to do it very private, not at a rose ceremony, just in front of the cameras on an open porch bench. Just no rose ceremony.
Raven has a rose going in to next week because she crushed the group date, which involved diving with sharks.
Nick is very stealth at avoiding awkward rose ceremonies. He’s thrown a pool party, sent two people home on a two-on-one date and gone so far as to trek to the house to let someone go before a rose ceremony. Next week we find out if indeed Nick chooses four ladies for hometown dates.
What we learned this episode. New Nanny vs Corinne’s Nanny is gold, A volleyball game has the power to make everyone pout and contemplate life, and Nick really doesn’t know how to plan dates.
Nick is like I refuse to have a rose ceremony. Take that Chris Harrison. No screen time for you.
Taylor came back to talk to Nick and assure him she was not a bully. This did nothing to sway his opinion about Corinne and Nick made out with Corinne in her up-to-there, skin-tight dress as shots of Taylor stewing in the black escalade home were interspersed with the narrative. Just lovely.
The group traveled to St. Thomas!
Who got kicked off: Dolphin Shark Alexis, Jaimi, and Josephine the serenader were the three unlucky ladies sent home at the rare rose ceremony that occurred at the beginning of the episode. Jasmine pulled a Dominique and got sent home at the cocktail hour after the group date because she wasn’t getting enough time with him. Note to self: Do not pull out the Chokey. Awko Taco. Whitney and Danielle L. were both sent home on the two-on-one. Yes, another two-on-one. Danielle L. got the rose on the two-on-one so Whitney was left on the island to fend for herself. But then Danielle L. kept talking about her feelings and dropped the L-bomb and Nick was like I’m feeling like you should go home right now.
And so she did and Nick was left feeling hopeless and uncertain of the process. He went so far as to go into the hotel room and cry to the six remaining girls that he didn’t know if this process was going to work for him. So many tears.
I honestly don’t know how the blooper reel will survive without our beloved Dolphin Shark. You will always have a special place in my heart, Left Shark. Even if you weren’t appreciated in your time.
COrinne’s Nanny earns another week of vacation, Rachel finally gets her one-on-one date, and I still can’t figure out who any of these girls are Aside from the previously costumed Left Shark
The destination this week was New Orleans! It was the site of the earliest two-on-one date in Bachelor franchise history. Rachel got her very own parade. We started with the rose ceremony that was supposed to go down last week. There is so much screen time for Corinne, that unless you are picking a fight with her or getting down and dirty in a bubble bath next to her, I have no idea who you are.
Who got kicked off: Lovely little Sarah and Astrid were sent bayou (Editor’s note: overused pun, blame the wine or Corinne. I feel like she can handle it.) Taylor was sent home on the two-on-one.
One-On-One: First Impression Rose Rachel finally got her one-on-one date with Nick and he went all out. They went strolling around New Orleans, stumbled on their very own parade with props and and a nondescript route so they could be easily spotted by the other girls looking down longingly from the hotel window.
Group Date: America’s sweetheart Danielle M. got the rose on the group date. It was in a haunted house where a little girl was supposed to be haunting it. Nick just plans the best dates.
Two-On-One: Taylor and Corinne I feel like this was deserving of a montage of seasons’ past two-on-one winners: Ashley I. and Kelsey being left in the badlands, Olivia Caridi being left on an island. Kasey and Justin in an ice cave. We should not forget these great moments. And now Taylor and Corinne in the Bayou.Corinne got the rose. But not without a showdown. Taylor was left on the Bayou, got some voodoo water sign courage from the people on the bayou and decided to interrupt Corinne one last time.
Full recap to follow. Until then, enjoy this pithy commentary from tweeters below.
Best Quotes of the Night: These fine folk pretty much sum it up.
The ladies shovel Comet the Cow’s manure, Nick and Danielle L. “run into” an ex, Corinne gave her 10 millionth group speech, Vanessa brought back the scrapbook and the group traveled to the exotic location of…drumroll please…
Who got kicked off: Christan and Brittany were sent home from the rose ceremony that should have taken place last week. And missed out on a ton of poop-shoveling fun.
Can we please just give pause and a slow clap to Vanessa for bringing back the long missed scrapbook? What once used to be a typical gift between contestants and their Bachelor/ette, now has become a rare gem. Vanessa’s students made it for Nick to get him to love her, but still. The best gift.
Danielle L. got the first one-on-one with Nick. And happened to run into one of his ex’s. They had a nice chat outside.
Raven got a one-on-one and met the fam, including Bella the youngest sibling and the mom and dad. She definitely got a rose and probably had the cutest date of all time – roller rink skating and watching Bella’s soccer game. PLUS, she told us the most epic story of how she found her ex cheating on her (shield your ears!) mid-thrust with another woman, in her Southern accent. Just winning all around.
Kristina the Russian got the rose on the group date.
Best Quote of the Night:
“I don’t know if it’s cow shit or bullshit, but I smell it.” – Sarah in reference to Corinne opting out of shoveling cow manure and crying hurt hand syndrome.
Taylor and Corinne feud by the fire. Taylor explains emotional intelligence to Corinne. Corinne thinks Taylor is calling her stupid. We’re left with previews of next week leading us to believe there is a showdown between the two and one goes home.
Red continues to be the color of the hour, Corinne slept through a rose ceremony and the Backstreet Boys stole every 23-year-old’s heart, which I still don’t understand because I’m pretty sure they were 10. False 3. there is still no sign of nanny.
Nick is falling back on his old ways, having trysts with Corinne while all of the other ladies literally look on with WTF faces. Meanwhile, Backstreet Boys is making a comeback with some sweet moves and stealing every girl’s teenage heart.
Who got kicked off: The blondes – Lacey, Elizabeth, and Hailey went home at the rose ceremony that was supposed to take place last week. This week we were left hanging again, but not before Nick sent Dominique home before the rose ceremony. Do not attack Nick claiming he’s not giving you the time of day. You will be gone. Dominique, have you learned nothing from Liz?