The Bachelor Finale and The Bachelorette: Congrats Nick Viall and Vanessa

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“Instead you’ve noticed every part of me.” – Vanessa

Congrats to Vanessa and Nick who got engaged in Finland! Fourth time’s a charm. Or a challenge. We will see!

The Bachelor Finale and the start of The Bachelorette? Well, that’s unprecedented. After the final rose on After The Final Rose, Nick and Vanessa came out to show how rocky their relationship was, but covered it up saying it was “challenging” and that they’re still very much in love, Raven came out to be so poised towards Nick about the breakup and find out she’s on Bachelor in Paradise, and Rachel came out and ABC started her season of The Bachelorette. Bring out the men.

Who got kicked off: Raven went home as Nick said good-bye to our saucy southerner and hallo to our Canadian girl.

Raven and Vanessa met the family. For Raven this was the second time, because back in the beginning episodes she had gone to Bella’s (Nick’s younger sister) soccer game and met the fam. The dates were very different. Vanessa spent all of her date crying…with Nick’s family…after meeting Nick’s family. Just because. Nick’s dad cried. Nick’s mom cried. Nick cried. It was a lot of tears.

Vanessa might have been crying because her date consisted of a sled ride that ended in meeting Santa. Yes, Santa Claus.

Meanwhile, Raven got to fool around on ice skates and play with puppies! Yes, puppies!!

Despite all of the fun that he had with Raven, Nick chose the more challenging, but loving relationship he had with Vanessa.

After the Final Rose 

The happy couple came out. Vanessa talked a lot about their relationship and said it was hard, but that they were working through it and still in love. Look at the size of that rock! Neil Lane said it was the largest one he had done. I think that’s the one Nick chose.

Fun Fact

Warning this might break your heart about Vanessa. While she is a special education teacher for adults. She’s also an aspiring, or previously aspiring, actress. She has her own whole IMDB page. I feel used.

Raven got a pretty great conciliatory prize. She’s going to Bachelor in Paradise.

The Start of The Bachelorette

Rachel came out looking hotter than ever in a killer jumpsuit. With. A. Cape. Yas queen.

Chris Harrison’s advice to Rachel: “Always listen to the host.” Read: Don’t write me out of the show. Like Nick did. Every episode.

Rachel came out in an all black effin pant suit and cape. She was killing it. She looked gorgeous. A-game. Aaaaand they immediately dragged out a faux Bachelor Mansion backdrop and a bunch of the men. They started her season of The Bachelorette right then and there.

Four men came out for Vanessa’s season and gave their introductions. One of them danced with her. One of them said, “I’m ready to go black and never look back.” Can you say that? I’m pretty sure you can’t say that. Did he just say that? Can you say that?

The dancing man

And another did a magic trick, gave her two tickets to Vegas and pulled out a ring and said, “You like that? It’s all yours.” Umm, yes. This season is going to be good.

They couldn’t shuffle out Nick and Vanessa fast enough. ABC was like don’t look at this challenging relationship for Nick’s fourth attempt, but instead look at this here Bachelorette and all the hope she brings to the franchise! I’m all for it. Let’s pop the bubbly, uncork the wine and bring out Rachel and her men! The remainder of her premiere starts May 22, 9|8c. See you then, Bachelor Fans.

 

 

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The Bachelor Nick V.: The Women Tell All Recap

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Corinne brought out the champagne mid-show and Chris Harrison basked in his two whole hours of screen time.

Chris Harrison got 2 whole hours of face time and he was. loving. it. He even got a rose ceremony. Take that, Nick. 

Sarah: “It was so hard to walk night one because it was rainy, so it was wet.”

Chris Harrison: “Those were actually tears of previous Bachelorettes.”

Chris Harrison coming in hot. His redemption episode.

Who got kicked off: Rachel the next Bachelorette was finally kicked off of this season as ABC already released the spoiler that she was the next Bachelorette.
Bachelor Bus is Back!

The Bachelor Bus is this glorious bus that takes Chris Harrison and the current Bachelor, this season being Nick, to all of the Bachelor viewing parties with giant numbers of ladies. They breezed through the UCLA campus to sorority row.

Dolphin Shark

Dolphin Shark returned in style. An audience member wore a left shark costume just as Alexis did that glorious night one. Only this audience member didn’t get drunk. Alexis was asked what the difference was between a dolphin and a shark. She identified that a shark has gills. I guess life has taught her things post-bachelor.

On the hot seat

Liz went on a soapbox about loving yourself.  

Kristina about living a life in color.

Rachel on being the next Bachelorette. “I don’t want to get caught up in everything. [gets distracted by the audience member in the left shark costume.] I’m sorry I just saw the person in the shark costume.”

Tonight is the 3 hour finale!!!! Yes. 3 hours. Buckle up, Bachelor Nation. 

Who do you think Nick will pick?Vanessa or Raven?

The Bachelor Nick V.: Quick Recap Fantasy Suite Dates

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Vacation time’s over, Raquel. Corinne is coming home.

Fantasy Suite dates in Finland have arrived! ABC keeps trying to make us second guess will he or won’t he take the ladies to the Fantasy Suite to make sweet suite love. By now we’ve seen Nick on this show four times. It’s not really a secret.

Who got kicked off: Corinne was sent home in a very rare rose ceremony. Nick called Vanessa last and after he handed the rose out, Corinne broke down immediately into tears. We only cry in the limo ride, Corinne! And in good ol’ Corinne fashion after she entered the limo and finished an interview, she promptly took a nap. I mean Lincoln took naps. Michael Jordan took naps. You do you, boo.

nick v fantasy suite datesShe’ll be fine. Nothing a little cheese pasta can’t cure. I’m sure those tears will be promptly wiped away as soon as you can say Bachelor in Paradise. Finally, next week, Chris Harrison reclaims his glory in Women Tell All. We’ve missed you good fellow.

Andi Fakeout

Andi coming back was a fakeout. She was just a producer ploy that they brought back to have her check in with Nick on how his dates were progressing. No chance these two were getting back together. But they made amends from that time long ago and Andi went on her stylish way.

Raven They didn’t show all of Raven’s date because it was only an hour-long Bachelor episode this week. But we did get enough air time to find out Raven has only been with her previous boyfriend and never had an orgasm. Sooo there’s that. Raven likes to share. Next week we’ll find out how the Fantasy Suite date went for the two of them and see Rachel and Vanessa’s dates.

“With every step of the way you’ve made it easy for me to love you.” – Raven and a hallmark card out there somewhere

Nick’s Finland Sweater

When in Finland do as the Finnish do. Can we all just take a moment to appreciate this sweater? I mean it must be cold in Finland. Just look at Raven’s shoulderless top.img_0556

nick v turtleneck

Author’s Note: I still don’t know how to turn off captions on my television. So you’re welcome

Also, Fun Fact: PEOPLE.com confirmed Nick Viall is going on Dancing with the Stars March 20th. Have you learned nothing from Chris Soules? That is not how you keep a fiancé! Though, Nick might not care about that. He told Andi, just because he was on The Bachelor did not mean he was going to get down on one knee and propose. If we have another Juan Pablo sitch on our hands I will revolt!

Next week is a 3-hour special. First we find out what happens with the rest of those Fantasy Suite Dates and then we bring back the ladies for Women Tell All. So get those wine fridges stocked and ready!

 

The Bachelor Nick V.: HOMETOWNS!

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Finally! At long last we meet the true hero of the show: Nanny Raquel. And she is everything. Nick got a fancy new outfit. And Andi Dorfman returned.

Bring out the cheese pasta, it’s time to meet Raquel!screenshot-2017-02-21-00-37-47

Raven, Rachel, Corinne and Vanessa are the four ladies who received hometown dates. But oh wait, what’s that? Andi Dorfman returned.

Who got kicked off: No rose ceremony. Andi returned. Kristina was kicked off last week before hometowns.

the bachelor nick v hometownsHometowns! If we thought Nick struggled with planning dates, we weren’t preparing ourselves. The ladies really upped him on that one. Raven took him on a swamp date. Rachel put him through the interracial couple ringer. Corinne took him shopping. And Vanessa took him to everyone she could round up in Canada.

Raven – Hoxie, AR

Raven took him to Hoxie, AR where they rode 4-wheelers through a swamp and almost got arrested by her police officer brother. As a practical joke, Raven told Nick that in Hoxie they tell secrets at the grain bin, which I’m pretty sure if you’re not careful and fall in could kill you quickly. Like suffocate you and stuff. Not sexy. She had him climb up it with her. The police arrived, one officer went to the production crew and the other to Raven and Nick. Nick got visibly frightened and then the officer revealed he was Raven’s brother. Point for Raven!

Raven didn’t say ‘I love you,’ but I thought she said something close to that in a nice way. “There is no hesitation on my end for what becomes of this.”

Raven’s dad told her he was cancer-free and in case you haven’t been following, Raven owns her own boutique, and started it when she found out her dad was diagnosed with cancer. Romper.com reports she felt life’s too short not to do what you love.

Raven’s Boutique: Grey || Suede They have some Bachelor/ette-themed items you may want to add to your collection.

Rachel – Dallas, TX

Rachel the adorable attorney took Nick to church and then to meet her family. They talked a lot about interracial marriage. Her family is equally adorable.

Nick claimed he and Rachel “have the most explosive chemistry of them all.”

Nick: “I’m not color blind. I know you’re black.” It doesn’t matter to him because he sees her as a person he’s very much attracted to.

If by now you don’t know Rachel is the next bachelorette you have been actively avoiding all news and I feel it is my duty to tell you. Spoiler Alert: It’s Rachel.

Glamour reports in an interview on Live With Kelly, Chris Harrison let viewers know the reason for the announcement coming so early. He said it had to do with filming schedules for The Bachelorette and giving people enough time to sign up to audition for her season. It was to benefit her, he said.

Corinne – Miami, FL

Corinne dropped a cool $3k on a clothing shopping spree. Corinne also dropped the L-bomb on Nick after a casual lunch date. He smiled a smile of love and kissed her. Corinne’s dad fed him homegrown olives and expensive scotch with thumb indents on the glasses.

Pro Shopping Tip from Corinne: The dressing room is your holy ground.

Corinne to her dad: I love him.

Dad: Really?

Corinne (not understanding why her dad is confused): We’ve been dating a 1 1/2 months now.

Yup. 3 group dates a relationship makes.

There was talk about Corinne possibly being the breadwinner in the relationship.

The most exciting moment was getting to meet Raquel! Corinne’s nanny Raquel had dinner with the fam and is just truly amazing.

Vanessa – Montreal, QC

Vanessa brought back the scrapbook. She took him to see her special education students and forced them, I mean had them, make ANOTHER scrapbook of her time with Nick on the show. Her students were adorable. Kevin is my hero. They all approved of Nick. She also took Nick to both her mom’s house and dad’s house because her parents are divorced. Her mom’s house had half of Montreal in there all speaking Italian. Her dad’s house was quieter with just her dad and his new wife.

Everyone traveled to Brooklyn, NY for the rose ceremony, including an unexpected guest…

Andi’s Back!

Andi Dorfman Nick’s old lover who chose Josh over him returned and next week we find out what that means.

Fun Fact: Andi was a lawyer. Rachel is an attorney. And Raven went to law school. Common thread, Nick?

Best tweets of the night: These entertaining tweeters.

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screenshot-2017-02-21-00-37-28 screenshot-2017-02-21-00-38-21Do you think Andi came back for Nick? Or to give much-needed advice and guidance?

 

The Bachelor Nick V.: Week 7 Quick Recap

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All of the tears…from Nick. Rose ceremonies, who needs ’em. The world is waiting with bated breath to meet Corinne’s Nanny. And the new Bachelorette is announced weeks early.

The group traveled to Bimini this week! Quick, find it on a map! All of the ladies got very excited.

Who got kicked off: Danielle M. America’s Sweetheart was sent home on a one-on-one. Nick just didn’t think their Wisconsin ties could cut it. Kristina our beloved Russian was also given the boot. Nick had a sit down with Kristina at the house before the cocktail party and rose ceremony that just doesn’t seem to want to happen and expressed how much he loved her, which was why he couldn’t bring her on the next level of Hometowns and Fantasy Suite dates because emotions get heightened and he already felt strongly for a couple other girls. Prior to that, Nick had told Chris Harrison, I want to do it very private, not at a rose ceremony, just in front of the cameras on an open porch bench. Just no rose ceremony.

bachelor-board_nickvweek7

 

Raven has a rose going in to next week because she crushed the group date, which involved diving with sharks.

Announcement of the Next Bachelorette: And if you want to know who the next Bachelorette will be, it was announced on multiple sources and said to be officially announced on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, even though we are not even to hometown dates yet. How do you feel about them announcing the next bachelorette so early?

Nick is very stealth at avoiding awkward rose ceremonies. He’s thrown a pool party, sent two people home on a two-on-one date and gone so far as to trek to the house to let someone go before a rose ceremony. Next week we find out if indeed Nick chooses four ladies for hometown dates.

 

 

The Bachelor Nick V.: Quick Recap Week 6

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What we learned this episode. New Nanny vs Corinne’s Nanny is gold, A volleyball game has the power to make everyone pout and contemplate life, and Nick really doesn’t know how to plan dates.

Nick is like I refuse to have a rose ceremony. Take that Chris Harrison. No screen time for you.

Taylor came back to talk to Nick and assure him she was not a bully. This did nothing to sway his opinion about Corinne and Nick made out with Corinne in her up-to-there, skin-tight dress as shots of Taylor stewing in the black escalade home were interspersed with the narrative. Just lovely.

The group traveled to St. Thomas!

Who got kicked off: Dolphin Shark Alexis, Jaimi, and Josephine the serenader were the three unlucky ladies sent home at the rare rose ceremony that occurred at the beginning of the episode. Jasmine pulled a Dominique and got sent home at the cocktail hour after the group date because she wasn’t getting enough time with him. Note to self: Do not pull out the Chokey. Awko Taco. Whitney and Danielle L. were both sent home on the two-on-one. Yes, another two-on-one. Danielle L. got the rose on the two-on-one so Whitney was left on the island to fend for herself. But then Danielle L. kept talking about her feelings and dropped the L-bomb and Nick was like I’m feeling like you should go home right now.

the bachelor nick season 21 week 6

And so she did and Nick was left feeling hopeless and uncertain of the process. He went so far as to go into the hotel room and cry to the six remaining girls that he didn’t know if this process was going to work for him. So many tears.

I honestly don’t know how the blooper reel will survive without our beloved Dolphin Shark. You will always have a special place in my heart, Left Shark. Even if you weren’t appreciated in your time.

 

The Bachelor Nick V.: Week 5 Quick Recap

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COrinne’s Nanny earns another week of vacation, Rachel finally gets her one-on-one date, and I still can’t figure out who any of these girls are Aside from the previously costumed Left Shark

The destination this week was New Orleans! It was the site of the earliest two-on-one date in Bachelor franchise history. Rachel got her very own parade. We started with the rose ceremony that was supposed to go down last week. There is so much screen time for Corinne, that unless you are picking a fight with her or getting down and dirty in a bubble bath next to her, I have no idea who you are.

Who got kicked off: Lovely little Sarah and Astrid were sent bayou (Editor’s note: overused pun, blame the wine or Corinne. I feel like she can handle it.) Taylor was sent home on the two-on-one.

the bachelor nick week 5

One-On-One: First Impression Rose Rachel finally got her one-on-one date with Nick and he went all out. They went strolling around New Orleans, stumbled on their very own parade with props and and a nondescript route so they could be easily spotted by the other girls looking down longingly from the hotel window.

Group Date: America’s sweetheart Danielle M. got the rose on the group date. It was in a haunted house where a little girl was supposed to be haunting it. Nick just plans the best dates.

Two-On-One: Taylor and Corinne I feel like this was deserving of a montage of seasons’ past two-on-one winners: Ashley I. and Kelsey being left in the badlands, Olivia Caridi being left on an island. Kasey and Justin in an ice cave. We should not forget these great moments. And now Taylor and Corinne in the Bayou. Corinne got the rose. But not without a showdown. Taylor was left on the Bayou, got some voodoo water sign courage from the people on the bayou and decided to interrupt Corinne one last time.

Full recap to follow. Until then, enjoy this pithy commentary from tweeters below.

Best Quotes of the Night: These fine folk pretty much sum it up.

screenshot-2017-01-31-00-18-54 screenshot-2017-01-31-00-19-03 screenshot-2017-01-31-00-19-29 screenshot-2017-01-31-00-20-47 screenshot-2017-01-31-00-22-50 screenshot-2017-01-31-00-24-43 screenshot-2017-01-31-00-24-56 screenshot-2017-01-31-00-26-34 the bachelor tweets

The Bachelor Nick V.: Week 4 Quick Recap

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The ladies shovel Comet the Cow’s manure, Nick and Danielle L. “run into” an ex, Corinne gave her 10 millionth group speech, Vanessa brought back the scrapbook and the group traveled to the exotic location of…drumroll please…

Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Who got kicked off: Christan and Brittany were sent home from the rose ceremony that should have taken place last week. And missed out on a ton of poop-shoveling fun.

bachelor week 4 nick viall

Can we please just give pause and a slow clap to Vanessa for bringing back the long missed scrapbook? What once used to be a typical gift between contestants and their Bachelor/ette, now has become a rare gem. Vanessa’s students made it for Nick to get him to love her, but still. The best gift.

Danielle L. got the first one-on-one with Nick. And happened to run into one of his ex’s. They had a nice chat outside.

Raven got a one-on-one and met the fam, including Bella the youngest sibling and the mom and dad. She definitely got a rose and probably had the cutest date of all time – roller rink skating and watching Bella’s soccer game. PLUS, she told us the most epic story of how she found her ex cheating on her (shield your ears!) mid-thrust with another woman, in her Southern accent. Just winning all around.

Kristina the Russian got the rose on the group date.

Best Quote of the Night: 

“I don’t know if it’s cow shit or bullshit, but I smell it.” – Sarah in reference to Corinne opting out of shoveling cow manure and crying hurt hand syndrome.

Taylor and Corinne feud by the fire. Taylor explains emotional intelligence to Corinne. Corinne thinks Taylor is calling her stupid. We’re left with previews of next week leading us to believe there is a showdown between the two and one goes home.

We are still sans rose ceremony for this week.

 

Until next time, Bachelor Fans.

 

The Bachelor Nick V.: Week 3 Quick Recap

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Red continues to be the color of the hour, Corinne slept through a rose ceremony and the Backstreet Boys stole every 23-year-old’s heart, which I still don’t understand because I’m pretty sure they were 10. False 3. there is still no sign of nanny.

Nick is falling back on his old ways, having trysts with Corinne while all of the other ladies literally look on with WTF faces. Meanwhile, Backstreet Boys is making a comeback with some sweet moves and stealing every girl’s teenage heart.

Who got kicked off: The blondes – Lacey, Elizabeth, and Hailey went home at the rose ceremony that was supposed to take place last week. This week we were left hanging again, but not before Nick sent Dominique home before the rose ceremony. Do not attack Nick claiming he’s not giving you the time of day. You will be gone. Dominique, have you learned nothing from Liz?

bachelor-board_nickvweek3

 

Full recap to follow. Until then, Bachelor Fans.

The Bachelor Nick V.: Week 2 Full Recap

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Mimosas are flowing, Moscow Mules Came Out of Nowhere, and Has anyone seen Corinne’s Nanny?

Nick went in kissing everyone these dates. No lips nor morning drinks, were spared during the making of this episode. Clothing was definitely optional.

Who got kicked off: Liz (friend to Jade of Jade and Tanner, occupation Doula) was sent home before the rose ceremony. We didn’t get a full rose ceremony last week so expect to see many more ladies gone tonight.

bachelor-board_nickvweek2

Group Date: Corinne, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Hailey, Lacey, Brittany, Jasmine, Raven, Danielle L., Taylor, Elizabeth W. Date card read: Always a Bridesmaid

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Photo credit: ABC

What better way to kick off the season and jinx Nick forever than with a wedding photographer shoot. The fashion photographer sported the greatest ensemble. Each girl was assigned a themed wedding gown, except for a lucky few that got to be bridesmaids.

Corinne announced,  “I’ve never been a bridesmaid. I guess I’m just a natural born bride.”

Corinne is supes pissed when the half naked Brittany showed up spray tanned and topless and looking hotter than her. Meanwhile, my favorite dolphin shark is balancing a cocktail on her faux baby belly. My girl. MVP. Shark costume straight to pregnant. Really crushing this season.

the bachelor alexis shotgun wedding

Photo credit: ABC

Most despised girl in the house: Corinne took her top off in the pool for her “beach wedding,” photo shoot, which was just a white bikini. She also turned around to the photographer and had Nick hold her bosom. So that happened first group date. The very qualified photographer deemed Corinne the winner of the challenge, so she got extra one-on-one time and then at the after party she proceeded to steal him 3 times from the other ladies. She’s really gunning for least-liked in the house.

Corinne got the rose on the group date.

Taylor vs Corinne: Re-interrupted. Corinne got super upset when Taylor “re-interrupted” Corinne and Nick. Corinne first interrupted Taylor and then got P-O’d when Taylor came back. “There is a classy way to go about it.” Then Corinne started talking about herself in the third person. Corinne then tried to bully the mental health counselor, Taylor, into an argument. Are you ok? I’m ok. Are you ok? Because I want to make sure you’re ok. Then a speech about interrupting.

Has anyone seen Corinne’s nanny?

Raven earned my respect. I left a lot at home to come out here and I need to know if he’s the kind of man I want for a husband. She just got out of a relationship 8 months ago, owns a boutique in Hoxie, AR, and had the best quote of the night.

“If Nick likes someone who is leading with their sexuality, then no wonder it’s his fourth time. That’s really mean, but it’s true.” – Raven just became my new favorite.

One-on-One: Danielle M. America’s sweetheart got the first one-on-one. She took a helicopter ride to a land on a yacht. “I’m excited my name was on the date card.” – Danielle M. “I’m glad you’re excited. I was glad to put it on there.” – Nick

Hot tub number one appeared on the yacht. At dinner Danielle told him she lost her fiancé. He overdosed and she found him. Danielle M. thought Nick reacted great to her story and they went on a ferris wheel ride straight out of The Notebook.

Liz told Christen her secret. Please, Liz, remind me where you know Nick from, again. I’m having trouble remembering. And can you please clarify did you or didn’t you have sex? I think that was her opening line for every scene. Liz cited the encounter with Nick as an awkward interaction.

Group Date: Breakup Theme. Supes fun.

Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Christina, Liz. Date card read: We need to talk.

So many crop tops. The group toured the Museum of Broken Relationships. Who wouldn’t want to do that on a first date? Nick got to include a piece, one of his previous engagement rings. So that’s fun.

At the museum, there was a very fake breakup happening. The girls acted surprised when the exhibit’s curator came in and said it was part of the live exhibit. The rest of the date they performed the art of breaking up, where they each role-played with Nick a breakup. I’m telling you fool-proof dates this season.

The Breakup Speech that came true: Josephine slapped him. The other girls had witty banter about not picking up his socks. But Liz. Liz went in for the hard hitting stuff. She wrote a legit breakup letter about their relationship and how they met. The whole shebang. And she READ IT ALOUD. In front of all of the ladies. It was awkward. Liz made it awkward. She looked uncomfortable reading it. No one knew except Christen, whom Liz had confided in earlier about her relationship with Nick knew it was true. So people were genuinely confused. “So are you guys together or what?”

Looks like it’s “Or what” because at the group date after party that night, Nick said I’m out! And sent Liz Doula (not her last name, her profession, but helps keep the Elizabeth’s straight) home.

Scenes with Alexis: Not only did we get to experience her shotgun wedding, but in the bloopers, Alexis made me love her even more. She brought two cupcakes with candles out to Nick, singing happy birthday. Nick asked what they were celebrating and she told him it was the 1 year anniversary of her boob job. Her boob-aversary. I just need her to stay forever.

Best Tweets of the Night: