Red continues to be the color of the hour, Corinne slept through a rose ceremony and the Backstreet Boys stole every 23-year-old’s heart, which I still don’t understand because I’m pretty sure they were 10. False 3. there is still no sign of nanny.
Nick is falling back on his old ways, having trysts with Corinne while all of the other ladies literally look on with WTF faces. Meanwhile, Backstreet Boys is making a comeback with some sweet moves and stealing every girl’s teenage heart.
Who got kicked off: The blondes – Lacey, Elizabeth, and Hailey went home at the rose ceremony that was supposed to take place last week. This week we were left hanging again, but not before Nick sent Dominique home before the rose ceremony. Do not attack Nick claiming he’s not giving you the time of day. You will be gone. Dominique, have you learned nothing from Liz?
Mimosas are flowing, Moscow Mules Came Out of Nowhere, and Has anyone seen Corinne’s Nanny?
Nick went in kissing everyone these dates. No lips nor morning drinks, were spared during the making of this episode. Clothing was definitely optional.
Who got kicked off:Liz (friend to Jade of Jade and Tanner, occupation Doula) was sent home before the rose ceremony. We didn’t get a full rose ceremony last week so expect to see many more ladies gone tonight.
Group Date: Corinne, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis, Hailey, Lacey, Brittany, Jasmine, Raven, Danielle L., Taylor, Elizabeth W. Date card read: Always a Bridesmaid
Photo credit: ABC
What better way to kick off the season and jinx Nick forever than with a wedding photographer shoot. The fashion photographer sported the greatest ensemble. Each girl was assigned a themed wedding gown, except for a lucky few that got to be bridesmaids.
Corinne announced, “I’ve never been a bridesmaid. I guess I’m just a natural born bride.”
Corinne is supes pissed when the half naked Brittany showed up spray tanned and topless and looking hotter than her. Meanwhile, my favorite dolphin shark is balancing a cocktail on her faux baby belly. My girl. MVP. Shark costume straight to pregnant. Really crushing this season.
Photo credit: ABC
Most despised girl in the house: Corinne took her top off in the pool for her “beach wedding,” photo shoot, which was just a white bikini. She also turned around to the photographer and had Nick hold her bosom. So that happened first group date. The very qualified photographer deemed Corinne the winner of the challenge, so she got extra one-on-one time and then at the after party she proceeded to steal him 3 times from the other ladies. She’s really gunning for least-liked in the house.
Corinne got the rose on the group date.
Taylor vs Corinne: Re-interrupted. Corinne got super upset when Taylor “re-interrupted” Corinne and Nick. Corinne first interrupted Taylor and then got P-O’d when Taylor came back. “There is a classy way to go about it.” Then Corinne started talking about herself in the third person. Corinne then tried to bully the mental health counselor, Taylor, into an argument. Are you ok? I’m ok. Are you ok? Because I want to make sure you’re ok. Then a speech about interrupting.
Has anyone seen Corinne’s nanny?
Raven earned my respect. I left a lot at home to come out here and I need to know if he’s the kind of man I want for a husband. She just got out of a relationship 8 months ago, owns a boutique in Hoxie, AR, and had the best quote of the night.
“If Nick likes someone who is leading with their sexuality, then no wonder it’s his fourth time. That’s really mean, but it’s true.” – Raven just became my new favorite.
One-on-One: Danielle M. America’s sweetheart got the first one-on-one. She took a helicopter ride to a land on a yacht. “I’m excited my name was on the date card.” – Danielle M. “I’m glad you’re excited. I was glad to put it on there.” – Nick
Hot tub number one appeared on the yacht. At dinner Danielle told him she lost her fiancé. He overdosed and she found him. Danielle M. thought Nick reacted great to her story and they went on a ferris wheel ride straight out of The Notebook.
Liz told Christen her secret. Please, Liz, remind me where you know Nick from, again. I’m having trouble remembering. And can you please clarify did you or didn’t you have sex? I think that was her opening line for every scene. Liz cited the encounter with Nick as an awkward interaction.
Group Date: Breakup Theme. Supes fun.
Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Christina, Liz. Date card read: We need to talk.
So many crop tops. The group toured the Museum of Broken Relationships. Who wouldn’t want to do that on a first date? Nick got to include a piece, one of his previous engagement rings. So that’s fun.
At the museum, there was a very fake breakup happening. The girls acted surprised when the exhibit’s curator came in and said it was part of the live exhibit. The rest of the date they performed the art of breaking up, where they each role-played with Nick a breakup. I’m telling you full-proof dates this season.
The Breakup Speech that came true: Josephine slapped him. The other girls had witty banter about not picking up his socks. But Liz. Liz went in for the hard hitting stuff. She wrote a legit breakup letter about their relationship and how they met. The whole shebang. And she READ IT ALOUD. In front of all of the ladies. It was awkward. Liz made it awkward. She looked uncomfortable reading it. No one knew except Christen, whom Liz had confided in earlier about her relationship with Nick knew it was true. So people were genuinely confused. “So are you guys together or what?”
Looks like it’s “Or what” because at the group date after party that night, Nick said I’m out! And sent Liz Doula (not her last name, her profession, but helps keep the Elizabeth’s straight) home.
Scenes with Alexis: Not only did we get to experience her shotgun wedding, but in the bloopers, Alexis made me love her even more. She brought two cupcakes with candles out to Nick, singing happy birthday. Nick asked what they were celebrating and she told him it was the 1 year anniversary of her boob job. Her boob-aversary. I just need her to stay forever.
Crop tops, Museum of Broken Relationships and Corinne Sans Nanny are coming in hot.
Crop tops are the dress code for the season, the first hot tub has made an appearance, Corinne is stirring up all sorts of fun and Liz Doula wrote her one-way ticket outta there.
Who got kicked off: Elizabeth “Liz” the Doula was sent home last night before the rose ceremony after she wrote a very uncomfortable breakup speech to Nick as part of what was supposed to be a fake breakup act. Deuces.
This week were left without a rose ceremony. Next week, we will likely have two. Full recap to follow.
A SHARK DISGUISED AS A DOLPHIN IN HEELS, A SEA OF RED, AND A LOVER FROM THE PAST ARE READY TO KICK THIS SEASON OFF WITH A BANG (but for reals).
Bring in the limos and uncomfortable interactions! Nick is officially off on his 4th journey to find love. Good news. Every girl loves red. Every girl claims to love dolphins in their interviews on ABC.com, yet none can identify a dolphin from a shark. (The heels must be throwing it off.) They are all going to get along just fine.
Who got kicked off: Olivia, Angela the model, Lauren, Briana, Michelle, Susannah, Jasmine B., and Ida Marie are the ladies leaving us on night one.
Bachelors of Season’s Past
They started the show by bringing back Chris Soules, Ben Higgins, and Sean Lowe to give Nick some advice. Fatherhood looks good on Sean. I had no idea why Chris Soules was there.
Most Uncomfortable First Impressions:
Jaimi: Told him she had balls. And then proceeded to pull out her nose ring. That’s not flattering. That’s where boogers live.
Hailey: Hailey told him she liked to go commando.
Hailey: “What do girls who wear underwear say?” Nick: “I don’t know.” Hailey: “Neither do I.” Classy.
Lacey: Rode in on a camel. Opened with “I hear you like a good hump. So do I.” I know people will fight me for this being one of the better introductions, but I stand by my humps!
Danielle M: She brought a homemade gift of maple syrup. She was shaking as she tried to have him taste it off of her finger. As we’ll later find out, she’s a neonatal nurse that lost her fiancé. If you don’t love America’s Sweetheart, you have no soul.
Alexis: Left Shark. Dolphin. Shark. Dolphinark. In heels. A shark disguised as a dolphin in heels. Alexis showed up in a costume. YES, she wore heels with it. I love it. Keeper. Opening line: “I ‘dolphinately’ can’t wait to meet you inside.”
Nope, still a shark costume, Alexis. But you do you. At one point she ditched her heels got in the pool making dolphin sounds. She just makes me so happy.
Sarah: She came in jogging in a gown and running shoes and made an adorable pun, saying, “I thought you might appreciate another runner-up, so I had to run up you,” as Nick has been known to be the runner up for two seasons now.
Best Quotes of the Night:
Sarah when she walks into the party. “Oh my gawd, there’s food!”
Hailey standing next to Alexis in the Dolphinark costume during the rose ceremony: “If I don’t get a rose tonight, I’d be hugging a f** dolphin.” It’s a shark, Hailey. Left Shark.
The Cocktail Party
Dolphin Shark got into the pool and made dolphin sounds. Corinne stole the first kiss. And Doula Liz had a very uncomfortable conversation with Nick about how she thought he wouldn’t remember her. She told him the reason she never gave him her number was because she believed the image ABC had painted of him as a villain. But don’t worry she eased his disbelief with the fact that she watched Bachelor in Paradise and that changed her mind about him. Sooo there’s that. I was sorely disappointed by the lack of tricks or ways to impress Nick by stealing his time.
First Impression Rose: Rachel the lawyer got the first impression rose.
Elizabeth “Liz” already met Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. She was Jade’s maid of honor and she and Nick had sex. Nick had asked for her number and she didn’t give it to him those months ago. SO now Nick is like WTF, but the producers are most definitely like Nick, you gotta keep her on, we need that drama. And Nick is like fudge.
Corinne has a nanny. That is all. Just Corinne has a nanny. For herself.
A great drinking game is trying to name all of the ladies in red. Poor, Nick. He had 30 ladies and more than half wore red dresses night one. One theory is, all the ladies wanted Nick to notice them in a bold red. My theory is the producers whispered things in their ears to tip the scales and then were like GL, Nick! Try to remember the names now!
Best Nick Quote of the Night:
Taylor told Nick during their first introduction out of the limo that her friends said Nick was a piece of sh**. And after that intro Nick turned to the camera and was like, “I can’t wait to meet her friends.”
There seems to be a theme. All the ladies are playing off the fact that Nick is a very sexual person, that he was originally pegged as a douche-bag, and that he’s only ever been the runner up. So that’s fun for him.
Poor guy, I’m thoroughly looking forward to this season! I think it’s going to be a good one.
Best Tweets of the Night
Featuring witty commentary from @EricaKatoTV, @ChrisMFHarrison, @yarnaesthetic and @TheFakeBachelor
Bachelor Brackets Update
Are your brackets destroyed? That’s because apparently I was missing a few ladies with Nick having 30 ladies to his posse.
Download Your Bracket**UPDATED (1/2/17): Bachelor Bracket has been updated: Week one added 3 ladies (taking it up to 22 ladies), Week two added 2 ladies (making 18 ladies), Week three added 2 ladies, Week four added 2 ladies, Week five added 1 lady. If you started playing this means you get to add some more ladies to your brackets and since you had to whittle it down early you already know your true frontrunners. My sincerest apologies, I will drink a glass of wine as penance.
Previews for the upcoming season reveal Corrine trying to get hot and heavy with Nick in his room, Nick crying to the ladies that are left. From these previews it gives the impression Corinne, Raven, Danielle M., and Rachel stick around for awhile, enough to make it through some drama. Until next week, Bachelor Fans.
Everything you ever wanted to know about Nick Viall.
Never fear, I have been watching all of his live Instagram posts. All for you. All very important. All mostly of him cooking very basic meals.
Name: Nick Viall
Age: 36 (Birthday Sept 29, 1980)
Height: 6′ 2”
Hometown: Milwaukee, Wisconsin (was living in Chicago, IL)
Occupation: Was in software sales at Salesforce
Where you know him from: This will be his 4th season with The Bachelor franchise. The true question is where don’t you know him from? He’s been all over the land of The Bachelorette and Bachelor in Paradise. He first appeared on Andi Dorfman’s season of The Bachelorette and lost to Josh (Josh met Amanda on Bachelor in Paradise, moved in with her and her two girls and now is rumored to be split). Nick is best known for his broken-hearted line on After The Final Rose, “If you didn’t love me, why did you make love to me?” unveiling everything about the Fantasy Suite. He was The Bachelor villain when he came back for round 2 on Kaitlyn Bristowe’s season (She’s still happily in love and soaking up those speaking engagements with live-in bf Shawn Booth). Finally, we were exposed to a softer side of Nick when he stood up for Amanda against bully Josh, and befriended the twins, coming close to finding love with Jen (don’t worry no one remembers who she was). From can’t ever have him around to now to his rise to fame as The Bachelor that fans can’t get enough of.
Where my Ashley’s at? And they’re all 23! Just kidding, but only a little bit, because really they’re 23, sometimes 24. And all nurses. Some unemployed. And the token model.
Season Premiere is January 2. So get cracking. I made this Bachelor Bracket just for you. (Disclaimer: I have no idea how to make brackets of any kind – football, basketball, Bachelor, so I basically borrowed from fusion.net. So blame them. Or me. Or both.)
**UPDATED (1/2/17): Bachelor Bracket has been updated: Week one added 3 ladies (taking it up to 22 ladies), Week two added 2 ladies (making 18 ladies), Week three added 2 ladies, Week four added 2 ladies, Week five added 1 lady. If you started playing this means you get to add some more ladies to your brackets and since you had to whittle it down early you already know your true frontrunners. My sincerest apologies, I will drink a glass of wine as penance.
Get just the basics on each of the girls’ bios, including ages and professions on their blog announcement.
Read the full interviews of the girls on ABC’s site. Bios
I’m being a little agist, but they couldn’t find anyone over 23 for 36-year-old Nick Viall? I mean get after it. But really. Left shark is here. Need I say more? Winner. Sneakily missing is the endless stream of Ashley’s. What has happened ABC?
In any case, this is the greatest time of the year. Grab your pen and paper and bottle of wine and let’s get to judging.
The ones to watch out for:
These are completely based off of entirely superficial, unfair assumptions founded solely on first impressions with only a photo and sometimes answers to the interview questions. This is not based off of the spoilers. Love Reality Steve, but I can’t read him after he’s figured out who is going to be on the show. So let’s get to judging! (Fun Fact: I didn’t do half bad last season on JoJo’s Men predictions. Baboom.)
The petite software sales lady from Texas with tattoos of her dad’s bday is like a mini version of Kaitlyn and Andi wrapped into one, but sweeter and doesn’t read. Likes wine. Bonus points. I predict you will go far.
Josephine the Unemployed Nurse
Josephine, I can’t wait. I just need to know what you’re hiding.
If you could be any character, you would be: “The Little Mermaid before legs.” Yup. Astrid, what is happening?
Neonatal nurse, 31, from Texas. Won’t last among the youngin’s, but could be a contender. Also lost her fiancé.
California grade school teacher, Sarah is adorbs. Moved to NYC with “3 bucks, 2 bags, and 1 me.”
Honorable Interview Question Mentions
Elizabeth “Liz”, 29, Doula (In case you’re like me and seriously uninformed and had no idea what a Doula was), from Las Vegas Nevada I just don’t think that’s true. Wine. Wine gets better with age. Different.
Best Profession goes to Michelle: Food Truck owner in Los Angeles
Elizabeth, 24, Marketing Manager from Dallas, TX is Elizabeth Mitchell. It’s just a fact.
Fun Fact every girl picks a dolphin as the animal they want to be. Every season. Not all reason because they mate for pleasure. But dolphin seems to be a fan favorite. Enter Left Shark.
Also all of the girls love the show Scandal apparently. Let’s all raise our glasses to Olivia Pope and an AMAZING season that is about to commence. Fill up your glasses and cozy in for January 2nd!!
Let’s get going! January 2 the limos arrive! And we finally get to see the first impressions!
So sneaky, ABC. For two seasons, the Bachelor franchise has painted Nick Viall to be a villain and the consistent runner-up. Always number 2. Well now he gets to be number 1! Nick Viall is the next Bachelor, ladies. ABC used this season of Bachelor in Paradise to turn that villain storyline right around and make you fall in love with him. The one that stood up to bully Josh. The one that’s even keel, straight shooter. The one who’s been on three unsuccessful seasons and is reclaiming glory.
I am so excited for this season!!!!!
Tell me all of your thoughts, Bachelor fans! Is Nick Viall twinning? Or need to go?
I have some juicy gossip coming your way Bachelor Fans, so stay tuned. In the meantime fall in love with Nick Viall on The Bachelorette Party podcast with Juliet Litman where he gives you an inside look at paradise and you can’t help but love him. The Bachelor returns in January, Bachelor Fans!
Congrats to the happy couple!!! Jordan and Jojo! Whose celebrity couple name shall be sung to the tune of JoJoJo or JoJordan or JorJo? JarJar?
Who got kicked off: Robby was the last of the batch to have his heart broken by JoJo. JoJo told him she had always wanted it to be him but that she loved Jordan.
After the Final Rose
JoJo and Jordan talked about the struggles of the tabloids spreading rumors. JoJo and Jordan were quick to put those rumors to rest by announcing they were moving in together. Jordan’s leaving Chico, CA for Texas! They seem happy in love. Super awko taco was having Ben and Laruen in the audience. Only because JoJo talked about her breakup with Ben throughout the entire season. But good news, now JoJo has a semi-ex-pro football player / one degree away from Aaron Rodgers fiance to show for the breakup. But wait Ben has a TV show deal on Freeform, showcasing his new life with Lauren. There really are no hard feelings there. Everyone seems happy for everyone and Chad is still lobbying for next Bachelor. Let’s hope that’s not a thing.
Get ready Bachelor Fans, Bachelor in Paradise is coming!
“I love you.” “Thank you, but…” You can go home now. Unless you’re Robby or Jordan, then you can stay.
As soon as you reveal your feelings of love to JoJo (read: unless you’re a jock and/or kinda sketchy) you will be immediately shot down and asked to leave the premises. Luke drew a heart of flowers for her in the grass. Chase has never told anyone that he loves them. Wells had never kissed her. All of them she told them she didn’t feel the way she was supposed to feel when they uttered those words. Let’s just forget about the fact that Robby dumped his ex-girlfriend immediately before coming on to the show.
Who got kicked off: Luke was sent home at the rose ceremony from last week and every woman’s heart broke. Except not, because now Luke is back on the market! Next bachelor anyone? Chase was giving him a run for that next Bachelor spot though by coming back to apologize to JoJo after she mercilessly ripped his heart out and sent him home as they were in the fantasy suite. Gunning for that next Bachelor spot. Needless to say, JoJo didn’t keep him. She always starts her rejections with “Thank you, but…” Chase was like my heart is still open to you. And JoJo was like, “Thank you, but…” immagonna keep those two other guys destined to crush my soul.
Bachelor in Paradise airs August 2nd. Thank goodness. Something to look forward to this summer. Because Jubilee is back! As is the Ashley I. and Jared saga! So. Many. Fun. Things. Also, don’t forget! The Men Tell All aired last night. We have the finale coming up next week, so buckle up.