Hometowns are Coming! We are down to four men. Dean got a second one-on-one date. Bryan is still trying to kiss Rachel’s Face Off. And Rachel told Peter She Really, REally, Really, Really Likes Him.
We are down to four men! Which means hometowns are just around the corner! The two guys we know very little about – thanks to ABC focusing on the Kenny-Lee debacle and the Lucas-Blake feud – were sent home this week on a group date.
Who got kicked off: Adam and Matt were sent home this week. At one point they did a side-by-side of the two sitting outside together talking and I realized how little screen time either of them had until now.
Peter opened up about his past relationships because the “L” word just wasn’t there. Rachel told him she really, really, really, really liked him. Peter told her he really, really, really, really liked her too.
Dean opened up about his family was unconventional and that he was worried compared to the other guys, Rachel wouldn’t be about it. She dissuaded his concerns.
Eric is falling hard for her.
Bryan is still trying to swallow her face at every turn.
“Instead you’ve noticed every part of me.” – Vanessa
Congrats to Vanessa and Nick who got engaged in Finland! Fourth time’s a charm. Or a challenge. We will see!
The Bachelor Finale and the start of The Bachelorette? Well, that’s unprecedented. After the final rose on After The Final Rose, Nick and Vanessa came out to show how rocky their relationship was, but covered it up saying it was “challenging” and that they’re still very much in love, Raven came out to be so poised towards Nick about the breakup and find out she’s on Bachelor in Paradise, and Rachel came out and ABC started her season of The Bachelorette. Bring out the men.
Who got kicked off: Raven went home as Nick said good-bye to our saucy southerner and hallo to our Canadian girl.
Raven and Vanessa met the family. For Raven this was the second time, because back in the beginning episodes she had gone to Bella’s (Nick’s younger sister) soccer game and met the fam. The dates were very different. Vanessa spent all of her date crying…with Nick’s family…after meeting Nick’s family. Just because. Nick’s dad cried. Nick’s mom cried. Nick cried. It was a lot of tears.
Vanessa might have been crying because her date consisted of a sled ride that ended in meeting Santa. Yes, Santa Claus.
Meanwhile, Raven got to fool around on ice skates and play with puppies! Yes, puppies!!
Despite all of the fun that he had with Raven, Nick chose the more challenging, but loving relationship he had with Vanessa.
After the Final Rose
The happy couple came out. Vanessa talked a lot about their relationship and said it was hard, but that they were working through it and still in love. Look at the size of that rock! Neil Lane said it was the largest one he had done. I think that’s the one Nick chose.
Warning this might break your heart about Vanessa. While she is a special education teacher for adults. She’s also an aspiring, or previously aspiring, actress. She has her own whole IMDB page. I feel used.
Raven got a pretty great conciliatory prize. She’s going to Bachelor in Paradise.
The Start of The Bachelorette
Rachel came out looking hotter than ever in a killer jumpsuit. With. A. Cape. Yas queen.
Chris Harrison’s advice to Rachel: “Always listen to the host.” Read: Don’t write me out of the show. Like Nick did. Every episode.
Rachel came out in an all black effin pant suit and cape. She was killing it. She looked gorgeous. A-game. Aaaaand they immediately dragged out a faux Bachelor Mansion backdrop and a bunch of the men. They started her season of The Bachelorette right then and there.
Four men came out for Vanessa’s season and gave their introductions. One of them danced with her. One of them said, “I’m ready to go black and never look back.” Can you say that? I’m pretty sure you can’t say that. Did he just say that? Can you say that?
The dancing man
And another did a magic trick, gave her two tickets to Vegas and pulled out a ring and said, “You like that? It’s all yours.” Umm, yes. This season is going to be good.
They couldn’t shuffle out Nick and Vanessa fast enough. ABC was like don’t look at this challenging relationship for Nick’s fourth attempt, but instead look at this here Bachelorette and all the hope she brings to the franchise!I’m all for it. Let’s pop the bubbly, uncork the wine and bring out Rachel and her men! The remainder of her premiere starts May 22, 9|8c. See you then, Bachelor Fans.
Vacation time’s over, Raquel. Corinne is coming home.
Fantasy Suite dates in Finland have arrived! ABC keeps trying to make us second guess will he or won’t he take the ladies to the Fantasy Suite to make sweet suite love. By now we’ve seen Nick on this show four times. It’s not really a secret.
Who got kicked off: Corinne was sent home in a very rare rose ceremony. Nick called Vanessa last and after he handed the rose out, Corinne broke down immediately into tears. We only cry in the limo ride, Corinne! And in good ol’ Corinne fashion after she entered the limo and finished an interview, she promptly took a nap. I mean Lincoln took naps. Michael Jordan took naps. You do you, boo.
She’ll be fine. Nothing a little cheese pasta can’t cure. I’m sure those tears will be promptly wiped away as soon as you can say Bachelor in Paradise. Finally, next week, Chris Harrison reclaims his glory in Women Tell All. We’ve missed you good fellow.
Andi coming back was a fakeout. She was just a producer ploy that they brought back to have her check in with Nick on how his dates were progressing. No chance these two were getting back together. But they made amends from that time long ago and Andi went on her stylish way.
Raven They didn’t show all of Raven’s date because it was only an hour-long Bachelor episode this week. But we did get enough air time to find out Raven has only been with her previous boyfriend and never had an orgasm. Sooo there’s that. Raven likes to share. Next week we’ll find out how the Fantasy Suite date went for the two of them and see Rachel and Vanessa’s dates.
“With every step of the way you’ve made it easy for me to love you.” – Raven and a hallmark card out there somewhere
Nick’s Finland Sweater
When in Finland do as the Finnish do. Can we all just take a moment to appreciate this sweater? I mean it must be cold in Finland. Just look at Raven’s shoulderless top.
Author’s Note: I still don’t know how to turn off captions on my television. So you’re welcome
Next week is a 3-hour special. First we find out what happens with the rest of those Fantasy Suite Dates and then we bring back the ladies for Women Tell All. So get those wine fridges stocked and ready!
All of the tears…from Nick. Rose ceremonies, who needs ’em. The world is waiting with bated breath to meet Corinne’s Nanny. And the new Bachelorette is announced weeks early.
The group traveled to Bimini this week! Quick, find it on a map! All of the ladies got very excited.
Who got kicked off: Danielle M. America’s Sweetheart was sent home on a one-on-one. Nick just didn’t think their Wisconsin ties could cut it. Kristina our beloved Russian was also given the boot. Nick had a sit down with Kristina at the house before the cocktail party and rose ceremony that just doesn’t seem to want to happen and expressed how much he loved her, which was why he couldn’t bring her on the next level of Hometowns and Fantasy Suite dates because emotions get heightened and he already felt strongly for a couple other girls. Prior to that, Nick had told Chris Harrison, I want to do it very private, not at a rose ceremony, just in front of the cameras on an open porch bench. Just no rose ceremony.
Raven has a rose going in to next week because she crushed the group date, which involved diving with sharks.
Nick is very stealth at avoiding awkward rose ceremonies. He’s thrown a pool party, sent two people home on a two-on-one date and gone so far as to trek to the house to let someone go before a rose ceremony. Next week we find out if indeed Nick chooses four ladies for hometown dates.
COrinne’s Nanny earns another week of vacation, Rachel finally gets her one-on-one date, and I still can’t figure out who any of these girls are Aside from the previously costumed Left Shark
The destination this week was New Orleans! It was the site of the earliest two-on-one date in Bachelor franchise history. Rachel got her very own parade. We started with the rose ceremony that was supposed to go down last week. There is so much screen time for Corinne, that unless you are picking a fight with her or getting down and dirty in a bubble bath next to her, I have no idea who you are.
Who got kicked off: Lovely little Sarah and Astrid were sent bayou (Editor’s note: overused pun, blame the wine or Corinne. I feel like she can handle it.) Taylor was sent home on the two-on-one.
One-On-One: First Impression Rose Rachel finally got her one-on-one date with Nick and he went all out. They went strolling around New Orleans, stumbled on their very own parade with props and and a nondescript route so they could be easily spotted by the other girls looking down longingly from the hotel window.
Group Date: America’s sweetheart Danielle M. got the rose on the group date. It was in a haunted house where a little girl was supposed to be haunting it. Nick just plans the best dates.
Two-On-One: Taylor and Corinne I feel like this was deserving of a montage of seasons’ past two-on-one winners: Ashley I. and Kelsey being left in the badlands, Olivia Caridi being left on an island. Kasey and Justin in an ice cave. We should not forget these great moments. And now Taylor and Corinne in the Bayou.Corinne got the rose. But not without a showdown. Taylor was left on the Bayou, got some voodoo water sign courage from the people on the bayou and decided to interrupt Corinne one last time.
Full recap to follow. Until then, enjoy this pithy commentary from tweeters below.
Best Quotes of the Night: These fine folk pretty much sum it up.
The ladies shovel Comet the Cow’s manure, Nick and Danielle L. “run into” an ex, Corinne gave her 10 millionth group speech, Vanessa brought back the scrapbook and the group traveled to the exotic location of…drumroll please…
Who got kicked off: Christan and Brittany were sent home from the rose ceremony that should have taken place last week. And missed out on a ton of poop-shoveling fun.
Can we please just give pause and a slow clap to Vanessa for bringing back the long missed scrapbook? What once used to be a typical gift between contestants and their Bachelor/ette, now has become a rare gem. Vanessa’s students made it for Nick to get him to love her, but still. The best gift.
Danielle L. got the first one-on-one with Nick. And happened to run into one of his ex’s. They had a nice chat outside.
Raven got a one-on-one and met the fam, including Bella the youngest sibling and the mom and dad. She definitely got a rose and probably had the cutest date of all time – roller rink skating and watching Bella’s soccer game. PLUS, she told us the most epic story of how she found her ex cheating on her (shield your ears!) mid-thrust with another woman, in her Southern accent. Just winning all around.
Kristina the Russian got the rose on the group date.
Best Quote of the Night:
“I don’t know if it’s cow shit or bullshit, but I smell it.” – Sarah in reference to Corinne opting out of shoveling cow manure and crying hurt hand syndrome.
Taylor and Corinne feud by the fire. Taylor explains emotional intelligence to Corinne. Corinne thinks Taylor is calling her stupid. We’re left with previews of next week leading us to believe there is a showdown between the two and one goes home.
Red continues to be the color of the hour, Corinne slept through a rose ceremony and the Backstreet Boys stole every 23-year-old’s heart, which I still don’t understand because I’m pretty sure they were 10. False 3. there is still no sign of nanny.
Nick is falling back on his old ways, having trysts with Corinne while all of the other ladies literally look on with WTF faces. Meanwhile, Backstreet Boys is making a comeback with some sweet moves and stealing every girl’s teenage heart.
Who got kicked off: The blondes – Lacey, Elizabeth, and Hailey went home at the rose ceremony that was supposed to take place last week. This week we were left hanging again, but not before Nick sent Dominique home before the rose ceremony. Do not attack Nick claiming he’s not giving you the time of day. You will be gone. Dominique, have you learned nothing from Liz?
Fantasy Suite dates and “hometowns” all in one! I say hometowns hesitantly because technically they weren’t in anyone’s hometown. It was some hotel in Utah where they were all holed up, and where I was desperately waiting for one giant family to go track down the other giant family’s hotel room and have a Shawn B. and Nick V. Family Feud-style showdown, but where they both sit in a death stare face-off on opposing couches.
Who got sent home: Ben H., the software salesman from Denver, CO, proving my theory that all hot men originate from Colorado (sans JJ).
Fantasy Suite Dates
Kaitlyn took him horseback riding and then they went to feed goats or sheep or something. They both had on very comfy, cozy sweaters and that’s exactly how their date felt – comfy, cozy friends. They talked about their ages and the future. Ben H. is 26. Kaitlyn is turning 30. And that’s about all that came of that.
I love these love analogies. Every season we get to hear how love is like an airplane or a bull fighting ring or deep and wide like the ocean. THIS season Shawn B. opened our eyes to how love is like golf: “It’s something you can do when you’re old and gray.” Yes, yes it is something you can do when you’re old and gray… Anyway, if you hadn’t picked up on that yet, Shawn B. and Kaitlyn went golfing. They were all kinds of flirtatious. They got into a bet where Shawn B. had to sink a putt completely naked, earning him his first black box on national television. Kaitlyn stole his clothes while he was golfing and this is where that magical, crafty editing skills of the ABC producers come in. Shawn B. ran after her and that was the scene they used to cut and overlay with Kaitlyn’s passionate gasps when she was with Nick.
After Shawn B.’s overnight, off-camera date, Nick was creepily waiting outside of the hotel room to have it out with Shawn. And by have it out I mean have another conversation inside their hotel room, where they just reaffirm their hatred for one another. It was futile and pointless and great nonetheless.
Talks with Chris Harrison
Chris Harrison finally got to do some hosting. He sat down in plush chairs by the roaring fire to talk out Kaitlyn’s relationships with each of the men. Kaitlyn revealed that Ben H. calms her, Nick brings out a serious and thoughtful side to her, and Shawn has both.
A Rare Rose Ceremony
Kaitlyn had a physical reaction to having to put the men through a rose ceremony and had to step out of the room for a moment to collect herself. I thought it was due to the plunging neck line of that red dress. “My heart is beating out of my chest right now.” Too easy, Kaitlyn, too easy. I have no idea what she said to the men during the rose ceremony because I was too distracted waiting for the nip slip to happen. In any case, Ben H. was sent home.
Kaitlyn met both Shawn B.’s family and Nick V.’s family. In case you weren’t aware from Andi’s season, Nick V. has a giant family. He is one of 10 siblings, the youngest of which is Bella, who asks the tough questions: Are you in love with my brother. Another fun fact, is that Nick is from Wisconsin, even though he now resides in Chicago. He also ran track back in the day. Other fun facts can be found here: 7 Things to Know About Waukesha Bachelorette Contestant Nick Viall. Nick’s mother was about to have a meltdown at the possibility of Nick getting is heartbroken for a second time via The Bachelor franchise. The rest of the siblings seemed cool with it.
Shawn B.’s family was great too. Shawn is the youngest of two sisters and no one in the family resembles any other family member. Some of them could possibly be related to Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn had a great time getting to know them and therein lies the problem. She was hoping that one of the family meet-and-greets would completely bomb so she could be like, yes, that one. That should be my future husband. Well good luck with that because that has yet to reveal itself to her.
Tweets of the Night:
Next week it is Men Tell All! And then the episode we’ve all been waiting for…who she chooses and if they’re still together After the Final Rose! Plus, Nick and Shawn B. get to meet the ‘rents.
Who are you most excited to see on The Men Tell All?
Who are you most excited to see on Bachelor in Paradise?
Just so we’re all on the same page: Tony the Healer wants to imitate animals or go skydiving. Y’know, non-violent things. Ben H. compared himself to a sperm. And Clint has a man crush on JJ. Kaitlyn’s brigade of knights in shining armor are slowly diminishing and not because she’s eliminating them at rose ceremonies.
Who got kicked off: Finishing the rose ceremony from last week, two tall glasses of water left ahead of Tony. Tony. The Healer with the black eye, just so we’re clear. As we’ll remember Kupah was kicked off before the rose ceremony last week and left in a haze of exasperation. Southern gents Cory and Daniel were let go Monday. BEFORE the Healer! OK. I’m done now.
Group Date: Sumo Wrestling
Nothing like men in thong diapers to really get you going. Kaitlyn just wants to see her men face off and naked just all of the time. Joe struggled a little with keeping his junk in the trunk, or in this case, his man diaper. He just allowed his one ball to remain free and open for the whole world to see. Kaitlyn even donned a spandex diaper ensemble and went swinging around the professional sumo wrestler.
Tony was all kinds of not zenned out when they had to sumo wrestle a couple very large Japanese men. At first he was like, check out this balance. I’m going to CRUSH THEM! And then he was like I’m so sensitive and don’t believe in this fighting. Why can’t we pick dates like going to the zoo and imitate animals or skydiving. I’m with Tony here, why can’t we go to the zoo and imitate animal noises? I grew up near the San Diego Zoo. Great spot. Now, which zoo are we talking here? I’ve been to some crappy zoo’s, Tony. They all pale in comparison to San Diego Zoo.
Tony said (a couple times, in fact, just reiterate), “I see the world through the eyes of a child. I have the heart of a warrior and the soul of a gypsy.” Namaste, Tony.
Soon thereafter, Tony packed his things and put on his desert-patterned parka and walked out. Before quitting, Tony stated, “I’m not a quitter. I’m walking away on my own terms.” Yeah definitely different. Again, with the epically great quotes tonight, Tony. Hats off to you, sir.
The second best quote goes to Chris Cupcake Dentist commenting on the bachelors’ attempts at wrestling the sumo wrestlers:
“I think they would have had better luck hitting a brick wall. They grabbed them by the diaper and bitch-slapped them to the ground.”
I think Kaitlyn has already chosen personal trainer and Ryan Gosling look-a-like Shawn B as the winner. She wears her heart on her sleeve and also her drool. You could see her fawning over him on their one-on-one, love in her eyes. Shawn B. received the rose on the group date.
One-on-One: Ben Z.Benzi as he shall now be named, got the one-on-one date with Kaitlyn and a hot tub date to boot, but not before powering through an Escape the Room, but torture-style, date. Kaitlyn let Chris Harrison choose her date for her. And Chris Harrison was like [evil laugh] see if you ever want to let me choose another date again. That’s not in my job description. I have a book to promote. Coming to a Santa Monica store near you.
Ben Z. a hulking man of a man led her through the room, holding her hand the entire way. “I want to protect her,” Ben Z. said. “And I’m like I might have to punch that guy in the face,” he said in reference to the zombie actor in the room.
“Kaitlyn has a death grip on my hand. My hand is going numb.” Kaitlyn has a fear of birds, which as @aliciaSPN and many other Twitter peeps so aptly pointed out, she has bird tattoos on her arms.
My favorite tweets of the night came from @thebachelorinterns, who as they so aptly pointed out, had to gather the snakes and scorpions and the like for that date.
Ah yes, the lesser known Snakes on a Toilet by ABC’s The Bachelorette. Benzi had to dive his hand into a toilet bowl of snakes and weird stuff that looked like puke.
The final clue told the couple to “kiss,” not “kill,” which was originally thought to be the ending to that clue. After the death-defying Escape room date, Benzi and Kaitlyn hot-tubbed it up and Benzi opened up about his mom.
Sweet quote by Benzi: “You never know if this is the first date with the person you could spend the rest of your life with.”
Group Date: Sex Education
Each of the men on this date received a topic related to sex education that they then had to teach to a group of kids. What they didn’t know was that these kids were student actors and planted there to ask uncomfortable and inappropriate questions. It was fantastic.
Ben H. Software Salesman took the cake. His topic was reproduction. he started with a story and compared himself to a sperm beating out all of the other sperm to get to an egg, which in this little scenario is Kaitlym. Also, apparently he volunteers at his friend’s nonprofit orphanage in Honduras to teach children. SO there’s that. At the after party Ben H. took her up to the top of the roof and dipped her over the edge. He got the rose.
Twitter: @Kellytravisty – Where’s the amateur sex coach when you need him? #TheBachelorette
Bromance of JJ and Clint
Clint’s game plan on the group date was to have Kaitlyn pull him aside. Wait a second here, are you the bachelorette, Clint? Because I am confused. We LATER find out the reason Clint’s being standoffish is because he has a man crush on JJ! We’ve been waiting for this moment to happen and here it is: Season 11 of The Bachelorette. At the cocktail party, Clint realizes his error and that he needs Kaitlyn to stay in the house so he can continue his bromance. So tries to play her at the cocktail party. But it appears Kaitlyn got wind of this developing bromance from all of the other guys in the house and is going to put an end to that. Kaitlyn is not about those rose ceremonies. One wrong step and you are stepping out the door.
Next week, we find out the details behind the bromance and who is headed home.
And so it begins!! The first night of The Bachelor Season 18 with Juan Pablo is here! Cue a million gringa accents trying to pronounce his name all sultry, and 27 awkward introductions. That’s right 27! Not 25. The response for Juan Pablo as the Bachelor were apparently pretty darn good, so they figured why not tack on a couple extras and see how it goes. I’m pretty sure that’s how “free spirit” Lucy got past casting.
Who got kicked off: And then there were 18. Gone are the crier, bangs, and red (aka lady in pink), plus like 6 other girls ABC just decided not to show on the exit interviews, which left me scrambling to remember which ones were left. Many thanks to Coming Up Roses for their list and lightening speed recap. The following are the ones still standing. The one’s with red X’s were gone night one. Womp womp.
The introductions: We had the random ride in on a piano on wheels (Lauren the music composer who was just a bundle of nerves), the fake pregnant lady (Clare the hair stylist) because that’s always a great first impression on a dating show. I’m carrying someone else’s baby. Surprise! – the barefoot hippie who calls herself a “free spirit,” (and proceeds to put her free spirit feet on Juan Pablo for their first interaction. How she has a rose still perplexes me.) – the soccer-playing, cleat-wearing tomboy Alli – and the nurse who brought a stethoscope and had Juan Pablo listen to her “heart.” Mmmhmm, yeah, that’s what he was looking at, deep into that low cut heart of hers. (Sidenote: Well played, Nikki, I’m putting my money on you this season. Do not disappoint me.)
Quote of the Night: Juan Pablo had some interesting conversations this time around, but one of the best quotes of the night might have to go to Amy J. aka Bangs.
“I’m here for you because it’s you.” That’s just…so…profound.
I lied. Quote of the night might have to go to Blonde Chick #10 for this beaut:
“Juan Pablo having a photo booth in the mansion just shows that he’s fun and goofy.” What. Wait. What. No. Fun and goofy…and doing what the producers set up. C’mon people really? You think he put that in the house? You’re better than that! Negative points. (Sidenote: A photo booth in the mansion is pretty frickin’ fantastic.)
Houston, we have tears. The token crier this season goes toooo…drumroll pleeease…Lauren H. There’s always one that can’t handle the stress the first night. This time the title goes to Lauren H. (Sidenote: I’m disappointed in the lack of a token drunk this season for night one. Usually you get one that just can’t handle all of that flowing champagne.) Lauren also wins for Worst Pick-Up Line Ever. My fiance, who I was living with at the time, dumped me…like just 2 months ago. Plus, I was gonna be the stepmom to his kid. It’s like a whole big thing. Here are ALL OF MY INSECURITIES, ready go. Juan Pablo looked beyond terrified. So weird how she didn’t get a rose.
But you know who did get a rose, the girl who looked completely thrilled to be there. And by completely thrilled, I mean she looked like she would rather be at the dentist office, getting a cavity filled, without Novocain. So naturally she gets the first impression rose. I’m talking about Sharleen, who pauses and then drags out a hesitant “Suuuuure,” when Juan Pablo offers her the first impression rose. Dude. If you don’t want to be there, girl, pack it up. We have 27 girls this season and Free Spirit waits for no one.
Awkward moment of the night: You know how sometimes you think someone is calling your name, but really they called someone else’s name who’s sounds nothing like your name? Well imagine that, but in a room of dead silent ladies sending death rays at every girl who gets a rose. (Shout out to Bachelor/ette commentator extraordinaire, Micha, for her accurate description of the ladies as they watch him call out names. “I love the ‘die bitch’ looks.” Nailed it.) Well, Kylie thought Juan Pablo had said “Kylie,” when in fact he had said “Kat.” And then things just got real uncomfortable. Because Kylie made it almost up to the shell-shocked Juan Pablo, who had to stop her and let her know he didn’t call her. Eesh. TV gold.
Between the bajillion teachers, blonde ladies, and a few characters, I think it’s going to be a good season.
Anyone want to take a shot at predicting the winner?? Micha (Bachelorette commentator extraordinaire) is taking Andi. I’m leaning towards Nurse Nikki. (Even though, I’m pretty sure my loyalties should lie with Elise, because I’d like to think we Elise’s should stick together, I really have no faith in her.) Anyone else who you think definitely makes it top 3? Holler at me, Bachelor Fans. I’m still getting caught up on all of the bios on ABC.