Corinne brought out the champagne mid-show and Chris Harrison basked in his two whole hours of screen time.
Chris Harrison got 2 whole hours of face time and he was. loving. it. He even got a rose ceremony. Take that, Nick.
Sarah: “It was so hard to walk night one because it was rainy, so it was wet.”
Chris Harrison: “Those were actually tears of previous Bachelorettes.”
Chris Harrison coming in hot. His redemption episode.
Who got kicked off: Rachel the next Bachelorette was finally kicked off of this season as ABC already released the spoiler that she was the next Bachelorette. Bachelor Bus is Back!
The Bachelor Bus is this glorious bus that takes Chris Harrison and the current Bachelor, this season being Nick, to all of the Bachelor viewing parties with giant numbers of ladies. They breezed through the UCLA campus to sorority row.
Dolphin Shark returned in style. An audience member wore a left shark costume just as Alexis did that glorious night one. Only this audience member didn’t get drunk. Alexis was asked what the difference was between a dolphin and a shark. She identified that a shark has gills. I guess life has taught her things post-bachelor.
On the hot seat
Liz went on a soapbox about loving yourself.
Kristina about living a life in color.
Rachel on being the next Bachelorette. “I don’t want to get caught up in everything. [gets distracted by the audience member in the left shark costume.] I’m sorry I just saw the person in the shark costume.”
Tonight is the 3 hour finale!!!! Yes. 3 hours. Buckle up, Bachelor Nation.
Vacation time’s over, Raquel. Corinne is coming home.
Fantasy Suite dates in Finland have arrived! ABC keeps trying to make us second guess will he or won’t he take the ladies to the Fantasy Suite to make sweet suite love. By now we’ve seen Nick on this show four times. It’s not really a secret.
Who got kicked off: Corinne was sent home in a very rare rose ceremony. Nick called Vanessa last and after he handed the rose out, Corinne broke down immediately into tears. We only cry in the limo ride, Corinne! And in good ol’ Corinne fashion after she entered the limo and finished an interview, she promptly took a nap. I mean Lincoln took naps. Michael Jordan took naps. You do you, boo.
She’ll be fine. Nothing a little cheese pasta can’t cure. I’m sure those tears will be promptly wiped away as soon as you can say Bachelor in Paradise. Finally, next week, Chris Harrison reclaims his glory in Women Tell All. We’ve missed you good fellow.
Andi coming back was a fakeout. She was just a producer ploy that they brought back to have her check in with Nick on how his dates were progressing. No chance these two were getting back together. But they made amends from that time long ago and Andi went on her stylish way.
Raven They didn’t show all of Raven’s date because it was only an hour-long Bachelor episode this week. But we did get enough air time to find out Raven has only been with her previous boyfriend and never had an orgasm. Sooo there’s that. Raven likes to share. Next week we’ll find out how the Fantasy Suite date went for the two of them and see Rachel and Vanessa’s dates.
“With every step of the way you’ve made it easy for me to love you.” – Raven and a hallmark card out there somewhere
Nick’s Finland Sweater
When in Finland do as the Finnish do. Can we all just take a moment to appreciate this sweater? I mean it must be cold in Finland. Just look at Raven’s shoulderless top.
Author’s Note: I still don’t know how to turn off captions on my television. So you’re welcome
Next week is a 3-hour special. First we find out what happens with the rest of those Fantasy Suite Dates and then we bring back the ladies for Women Tell All. So get those wine fridges stocked and ready!
What we learned this episode. New Nanny vs Corinne’s Nanny is gold, A volleyball game has the power to make everyone pout and contemplate life, and Nick really doesn’t know how to plan dates.
Nick is like I refuse to have a rose ceremony. Take that Chris Harrison. No screen time for you.
Taylor came back to talk to Nick and assure him she was not a bully. This did nothing to sway his opinion about Corinne and Nick made out with Corinne in her up-to-there, skin-tight dress as shots of Taylor stewing in the black escalade home were interspersed with the narrative. Just lovely.
The group traveled to St. Thomas!
Who got kicked off: Dolphin Shark Alexis, Jaimi, and Josephine the serenader were the three unlucky ladies sent home at the rare rose ceremony that occurred at the beginning of the episode. Jasmine pulled a Dominique and got sent home at the cocktail hour after the group date because she wasn’t getting enough time with him. Note to self: Do not pull out the Chokey. Awko Taco. Whitney and Danielle L. were both sent home on the two-on-one. Yes, another two-on-one. Danielle L. got the rose on the two-on-one so Whitney was left on the island to fend for herself. But then Danielle L. kept talking about her feelings and dropped the L-bomb and Nick was like I’m feeling like you should go home right now.
And so she did and Nick was left feeling hopeless and uncertain of the process. He went so far as to go into the hotel room and cry to the six remaining girls that he didn’t know if this process was going to work for him. So many tears.
I honestly don’t know how the blooper reel will survive without our beloved Dolphin Shark. You will always have a special place in my heart, Left Shark. Even if you weren’t appreciated in your time.
COrinne’s Nanny earns another week of vacation, Rachel finally gets her one-on-one date, and I still can’t figure out who any of these girls are Aside from the previously costumed Left Shark
The destination this week was New Orleans! It was the site of the earliest two-on-one date in Bachelor franchise history. Rachel got her very own parade. We started with the rose ceremony that was supposed to go down last week. There is so much screen time for Corinne, that unless you are picking a fight with her or getting down and dirty in a bubble bath next to her, I have no idea who you are.
Who got kicked off: Lovely little Sarah and Astrid were sent bayou (Editor’s note: overused pun, blame the wine or Corinne. I feel like she can handle it.) Taylor was sent home on the two-on-one.
One-On-One: First Impression Rose Rachel finally got her one-on-one date with Nick and he went all out. They went strolling around New Orleans, stumbled on their very own parade with props and and a nondescript route so they could be easily spotted by the other girls looking down longingly from the hotel window.
Group Date: America’s sweetheart Danielle M. got the rose on the group date. It was in a haunted house where a little girl was supposed to be haunting it. Nick just plans the best dates.
Two-On-One: Taylor and Corinne I feel like this was deserving of a montage of seasons’ past two-on-one winners: Ashley I. and Kelsey being left in the badlands, Olivia Caridi being left on an island. Kasey and Justin in an ice cave. We should not forget these great moments. And now Taylor and Corinne in the Bayou.Corinne got the rose. But not without a showdown. Taylor was left on the Bayou, got some voodoo water sign courage from the people on the bayou and decided to interrupt Corinne one last time.
Full recap to follow. Until then, enjoy this pithy commentary from tweeters below.
Best Quotes of the Night: These fine folk pretty much sum it up.
The ladies shovel Comet the Cow’s manure, Nick and Danielle L. “run into” an ex, Corinne gave her 10 millionth group speech, Vanessa brought back the scrapbook and the group traveled to the exotic location of…drumroll please…
Who got kicked off: Christan and Brittany were sent home from the rose ceremony that should have taken place last week. And missed out on a ton of poop-shoveling fun.
Can we please just give pause and a slow clap to Vanessa for bringing back the long missed scrapbook? What once used to be a typical gift between contestants and their Bachelor/ette, now has become a rare gem. Vanessa’s students made it for Nick to get him to love her, but still. The best gift.
Danielle L. got the first one-on-one with Nick. And happened to run into one of his ex’s. They had a nice chat outside.
Raven got a one-on-one and met the fam, including Bella the youngest sibling and the mom and dad. She definitely got a rose and probably had the cutest date of all time – roller rink skating and watching Bella’s soccer game. PLUS, she told us the most epic story of how she found her ex cheating on her (shield your ears!) mid-thrust with another woman, in her Southern accent. Just winning all around.
Kristina the Russian got the rose on the group date.
Best Quote of the Night:
“I don’t know if it’s cow shit or bullshit, but I smell it.” – Sarah in reference to Corinne opting out of shoveling cow manure and crying hurt hand syndrome.
Taylor and Corinne feud by the fire. Taylor explains emotional intelligence to Corinne. Corinne thinks Taylor is calling her stupid. We’re left with previews of next week leading us to believe there is a showdown between the two and one goes home.
A SHARK DISGUISED AS A DOLPHIN IN HEELS, A SEA OF RED, AND A LOVER FROM THE PAST ARE READY TO KICK THIS SEASON OFF WITH A BANG (but for reals).
Bring in the limos and uncomfortable interactions! Nick is officially off on his 4th journey to find love. Good news. Every girl loves red. Every girl claims to love dolphins in their interviews on ABC.com, yet none can identify a dolphin from a shark. (The heels must be throwing it off.) They are all going to get along just fine.
Who got kicked off: Olivia, Angela the model, Lauren, Briana, Michelle, Susannah, Jasmine B., and Ida Marie are the ladies leaving us on night one.
Bachelors of Season’s Past
They started the show by bringing back Chris Soules, Ben Higgins, and Sean Lowe to give Nick some advice. Fatherhood looks good on Sean. I had no idea why Chris Soules was there.
Most Uncomfortable First Impressions:
Jaimi: Told him she had balls. And then proceeded to pull out her nose ring. That’s not flattering. That’s where boogers live.
Hailey: Hailey told him she liked to go commando.
Hailey: “What do girls who wear underwear say?” Nick: “I don’t know.” Hailey: “Neither do I.” Classy.
Lacey: Rode in on a camel. Opened with “I hear you like a good hump. So do I.” I know people will fight me for this being one of the better introductions, but I stand by my humps!
Danielle M: She brought a homemade gift of maple syrup. She was shaking as she tried to have him taste it off of her finger. As we’ll later find out, she’s a neonatal nurse that lost her fiancé. If you don’t love America’s Sweetheart, you have no soul.
Alexis: Left Shark. Dolphin. Shark. Dolphinark. In heels. A shark disguised as a dolphin in heels. Alexis showed up in a costume. YES, she wore heels with it. I love it. Keeper. Opening line: “I ‘dolphinately’ can’t wait to meet you inside.”
Nope, still a shark costume, Alexis. But you do you. At one point she ditched her heels got in the pool making dolphin sounds. She just makes me so happy.
Sarah: She came in jogging in a gown and running shoes and made an adorable pun, saying, “I thought you might appreciate another runner-up, so I had to run up you,” as Nick has been known to be the runner up for two seasons now.
Best Quotes of the Night:
Sarah when she walks into the party. “Oh my gawd, there’s food!”
Hailey standing next to Alexis in the Dolphinark costume during the rose ceremony: “If I don’t get a rose tonight, I’d be hugging a f** dolphin.” It’s a shark, Hailey. Left Shark.
The Cocktail Party
Dolphin Shark got into the pool and made dolphin sounds. Corinne stole the first kiss. And Doula Liz had a very uncomfortable conversation with Nick about how she thought he wouldn’t remember her. She told him the reason she never gave him her number was because she believed the image ABC had painted of him as a villain. But don’t worry she eased his disbelief with the fact that she watched Bachelor in Paradise and that changed her mind about him. Sooo there’s that. I was sorely disappointed by the lack of tricks or ways to impress Nick by stealing his time.
First Impression Rose: Rachel the lawyer got the first impression rose.
Elizabeth “Liz” already met Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. She was Jade’s maid of honor and she and Nick had sex. Nick had asked for her number and she didn’t give it to him those months ago. SO now Nick is like WTF, but the producers are most definitely like Nick, you gotta keep her on, we need that drama. And Nick is like fudge.
Corinne has a nanny. That is all. Just Corinne has a nanny. For herself.
A great drinking game is trying to name all of the ladies in red. Poor, Nick. He had 30 ladies and more than half wore red dresses night one. One theory is, all the ladies wanted Nick to notice them in a bold red. My theory is the producers whispered things in their ears to tip the scales and then were like GL, Nick! Try to remember the names now!
Best Nick Quote of the Night:
Taylor told Nick during their first introduction out of the limo that her friends said Nick was a piece of sh**. And after that intro Nick turned to the camera and was like, “I can’t wait to meet her friends.”
There seems to be a theme. All the ladies are playing off the fact that Nick is a very sexual person, that he was originally pegged as a douche-bag, and that he’s only ever been the runner up. So that’s fun for him.
Poor guy, I’m thoroughly looking forward to this season! I think it’s going to be a good one.
Best Tweets of the Night
Featuring witty commentary from @EricaKatoTV, @ChrisMFHarrison, @yarnaesthetic and @TheFakeBachelor
Bachelor Brackets Update
Are your brackets destroyed? That’s because apparently I was missing a few ladies with Nick having 30 ladies to his posse.
Download Your Bracket**UPDATED (1/2/17): Bachelor Bracket has been updated: Week one added 3 ladies (taking it up to 22 ladies), Week two added 2 ladies (making 18 ladies), Week three added 2 ladies, Week four added 2 ladies, Week five added 1 lady. If you started playing this means you get to add some more ladies to your brackets and since you had to whittle it down early you already know your true frontrunners. My sincerest apologies, I will drink a glass of wine as penance.
Previews for the upcoming season reveal Corrine trying to get hot and heavy with Nick in his room, Nick crying to the ladies that are left. From these previews it gives the impression Corinne, Raven, Danielle M., and Rachel stick around for awhile, enough to make it through some drama. Until next week, Bachelor Fans.
A flood of tears, a first glimpse of Iowa, and we finished a Sunday/Monday two part special Monday night with two rose ceremonies and Hometown dates!!
1st Rose Ceremony: Britt had a meltdown, pulled Chris aside and he sent her home. But not before he threw Carly under the bus. Here’s a tip: don’t tell Chris things you don’t want him to tell the other ladies. Because he’ll do it. He just doesn’t know how to slyly bring up those topics of conversation. Chris told Britt Carly said Britt didn’t like Arlington. Britt made a dramatic crying exit. Then they finished out the rose ceremony and Chris sent Carly home crying in the limo, asking why no one loved her. Because you broke the cardinal rule, Carly, of not talking about the other ladies.
Who made it to Hometowns! Becca, Whitney, Jade, and Kaitlyn (more detail to follow in a later post)
2nd Rose Ceremony: After hometown dates, Chris sent playboy model Jade home.
Who got kicked off: And Megan’s been gone for awhile, kicked off at the beginning of Sunday’s episode, probably chilling and sunning herself outside of the US in New Mexico.
There are three ladies left!! Whitney, Becca, and Kaitlyn. And you know what that means, Bachelor Fans! It’s time for Fantasy Suite dates. Becca still hasn’t told him she’s a virgin, Kaitlyn still has a wall up, and Whitney’s still out there making babies. Which one of these ladies is going home and which two are going to meet the ‘rents?
The group flew across the country to Seoul, South Korea. As Juan Pablo pointed out, this was the first rose ceremony abroad, where if you didn’t receive a rose, “people will have to fly back home 12 hours feeling rejected and that’s not fun.” No, Juan Pablo. No, it’s not.
Who got kicked off: Also known as the ladies who got a 12 hour flight home. Lauren the music composer and Elise the first grade teacher are out.
Group Date: 6 lucky ladies got to perform with Korea’s most popular hip hop group: 21. The group arrived at YG Entertainment, where they met South Korea’s most popular KPOP group, and picked up a few dance moves.
This is Clare’s response to the news they’re flying to Korea:
“Korea! I don’t even have a kimono!”
1. Nope, that’s Japan. 2. I don’t think that’s a requirement in order to enter the country. At least, last time I checked that was the case, and 3. You’re killing me (and Carmen Sandiego who I know, back in the day, taught you Kimonos are traditional Japense garb.)
Juan Pablo: “I love dancing. And girls that know how to dance are the best way to win Juan Pablo’s heart.”
Kat used to be a dancer, so naturally was in her element. She was going a little over the top. Nikki, on the other hand, looked like she wanted to die.
Quote of the Night:
Nikki: “This is my worst nightmare…and I kinda wanna crap my pants. I hope we’re performing for the Korean School of the Blind.” Well played, Nikki.
After the performance, the group went out to celebrate with some cocktails (what else?). During some one-on-one time, Kat opened up about her family life, about how her parents split when she was young and her Dad was an alcoholic. She shared feelings. Lots and lots of feelings.
Nurse Nikki, or negative Nikki, as her roommates have dubbed her, got the rose and a nice little kiss from Juan Pablo.
Elise broke the cardinal rule on her one-on-one time with Juan Pablo. Have you learned nothing from previous seasons?! Don’t talk about other girls during your time with him. That is a sure-fire ticket home.
They explored the city of Seoul, got traditional dresses for Camilla and Sharleen, and went to a tea house, where they got to talk a little bit more. Sharleen called him “cheeky” and “NOT blande.” At dinner, they bonded over their travels, and Sharleen found they had a lot more in common than she had originally anticipated. (And Bastille kept playing in my head – The walls kept tumbling down in the city that we looooove…)
Sharleen is growing on me. She does not have a lot of facial expressions, and she’s super composed all of the time. But there’s a little humor behind that poise. And she’s very well-spoken.
Later in the date, Juan Pablo brought her to a place with sufficient acoustics so she could sing. She said she doesn’t normally sing so early on for dudes she dates. (Sidenote: I love the lacy, black dress she wore on the date. I’ll find a link on Possessionista’s page for y’all. I mean mostly for myself, but you too.) As expected, her voice is gorgeous. She made him close his eyes, and after she sang a few bars, they shared a romantic kiss.
Group Date: The remaining ladies got a full day of Korea (do all of the things!), starting with a little karaoke, followed by wandering the streets of Seoul, and, what do you know, they found a photobooth.
After that they went…I don’t know what these things are, but I want one. Swan peddle boats? Yes, please.
Next on the list, was getting the dead skin of their feet eaten off by tiny little fish. Yup. Exactly what it sounds like.
After that on their tour, the gang tries a bunch of different food at an outdoor market. Clare tells him she doesn’t want to eat octopus. Juan Pablo is so cute. He was like “Oh you don’t want to eat octupus? That is gonna be the first thing I give you. you just made the worst mistake of your life.” He’s a jokester that one.
Second Quote of the Night:
Kelly the dog lover on Clare’s overreaction to having to eat octopus: “Clare is so dramatic. Her piece was literally this big (mimes with fingers), and I know you’ve swallowed bigger things than that.”
On the group date, Juan Pablo vows to the cameras that he wants to set a good example for his daughter, and that because he’s already kissed 6 girls, he’s going to lay off the lip-locking. Exceeeept if he’s talking to Clare.
Juan Pablo: “I know I said I wasn’t gonna kiss anyone, but she is sexy.” As Jimmy Fallon said, that’s a good lesson for his daughter: Don’t kiss anyone unless you’re sexy. Then it’s OK.
Lauren went in for the kiss and he rejected her. Sobbing ensued.
Andigot the rose on the group date. Clare looked pisssssed.
Next on the world-wide tour, the troop is headed to Vietnam.
PSA: If you watch one thing, watch Juan Pablo’s lip syncing of 21’s hit song at the end of the episode bonus footage. It will make you fall in love with him (even more if you already do).
Our basic cable kept cutting in and out this episode, so not an extensive recap this week, but here’s the gist and what you need to know to get by on your Bachelor brackets.
Who got kicked off: Free Spirit out.
First One-On-One:Cassandra – the ex-NBA dancer and single mom, who, at the last rose ceremony, was doubting being at the mansion and leaving her son at home. Sidenote: I didn’t realize she was only 21, just barely drinking age legal and kind of a youngin’. Cassandra and Juan Pablo went water driving(?). Basically, it’s a boat that looks like a car and has steering capabilities and everything. Then he took her to his house and they cooked together, followed by some salsa dancing.
Theme of the Night: “I really want to make her feel comfortable.” – Juan Pablo. He said this several times throughout the night. And I’ve found “making her feel comfortable” always involves dancing or singing to a Latin beat.
Group Date: They had a group date at the StubHub Center in Carson, CA where the LA Galaxy men’s soccer team plays. The ladies split up into two teams to play a little soccer. Alli was in her element. As for the rest of the ladies…It was a little tough to watch. After the game, Andi the Prosecutor stole a kiss in the kitchen. Nikki stole some great convo (no kiss though) and the rose for the date.
One-On-One: Chelsie – One of the many blondes and teachers received the second one-on-on date card, reading something having to do with trust. Again, to make sure she was feeling comfortable, Juan Pablo pumped up the Latin tunes on the radio on their drive to their date. They went tandem bungee jumping off of a bridge. But first they stood there for an hour while Chelsie toggled back and forth between jumping or chickening out. (Which I can’t completely blame her, because I would have wet my pants if that was the date I had to go on. Jumping to your death? No thank you.) Finally, after Juan Pablo was like we don’t have to do this, she was like, well, now I want to. She conceded, they jumped, the chord held, and they shared an upside-down-Spiderman-esque kiss. Afterwards, they had dinner, talked about their biggest fears, and ended the date with a private concert by Billy Currington.
Pool Party: Instead of a rose ceremony, Juan Pablo opted for a pool party to get to spend more time with the ladies. First, though, he surprised them with a Venezuelan breakfast. A man that likes to cook and dance? Sign me up. I also, greatly enjoy when the bachelors surprise the ladies in the AM before the ladies have had their coffee and had the chance to get all dolled up. I like to see if any of them will snap. Kelly (the girl with the dog) came downstairs, disheveled to let her dog Molly out to use the facilities, and got a little shocked to find Juan Pablo in the kitchen. That started a parade of ladiesin their make-up-less ensembles to stumble downstairs to greet Juan Pablo.
At the pool party, Sharleen made out with Juan Pablo kind of in the open, stirring up a little chatter amongst the ladies. Kat also rubbed a few people the wrong way with her game of chicken in the pool and monopolizing Juan Pablo’s time. Clare got a little overwhelmed and let out a few tears. Elise made known her dislike for Chelsie (or not necessarily dislike, but rather her concern that Chelsie was too much of a child and not ready to be a mom to Juan Pablo’s daughter.) Also, this is the most I’ve seen Elise talk, and she surprisingly got a rose again tonight – the sleeper (see the poll on this page for reference)?
Next Sunday is the LIVE wedding of Sean and Catherine!!! January 26th, 8 PM – 10 PM EST. I’ll follow up with a post on all you need to know before the special date.