What we learned this episode. New Nanny vs Corinne’s Nanny is gold, A volleyball game has the power to make everyone pout and contemplate life, and Nick really doesn’t know how to plan dates.
Nick is like I refuse to have a rose ceremony. Take that Chris Harrison. No screen time for you.
Taylor came back to talk to Nick and assure him she was not a bully. This did nothing to sway his opinion about Corinne and Nick made out with Corinne in her up-to-there, skin-tight dress as shots of Taylor stewing in the black escalade home were interspersed with the narrative. Just lovely.
The group traveled to St. Thomas!
Who got kicked off: Dolphin Shark Alexis, Jaimi, and Josephine the serenader were the three unlucky ladies sent home at the rare rose ceremony that occurred at the beginning of the episode. Jasmine pulled a Dominique and got sent home at the cocktail hour after the group date because she wasn’t getting enough time with him. Note to self: Do not pull out the Chokey. Awko Taco. Whitney and Danielle L. were both sent home on the two-on-one. Yes, another two-on-one. Danielle L. got the rose on the two-on-one so Whitney was left on the island to fend for herself. But then Danielle L. kept talking about her feelings and dropped the L-bomb and Nick was like I’m feeling like you should go home right now.
And so she did and Nick was left feeling hopeless and uncertain of the process. He went so far as to go into the hotel room and cry to the six remaining girls that he didn’t know if this process was going to work for him. So many tears.
I honestly don’t know how the blooper reel will survive without our beloved Dolphin Shark. You will always have a special place in my heart, Left Shark. Even if you weren’t appreciated in your time.
COrinne’s Nanny earns another week of vacation, Rachel finally gets her one-on-one date, and I still can’t figure out who any of these girls are Aside from the previously costumed Left Shark
The destination this week was New Orleans! It was the site of the earliest two-on-one date in Bachelor franchise history. Rachel got her very own parade. We started with the rose ceremony that was supposed to go down last week. There is so much screen time for Corinne, that unless you are picking a fight with her or getting down and dirty in a bubble bath next to her, I have no idea who you are.
Who got kicked off: Lovely little Sarah and Astrid were sent bayou (Editor’s note: overused pun, blame the wine or Corinne. I feel like she can handle it.) Taylor was sent home on the two-on-one.
One-On-One: First Impression Rose Rachel finally got her one-on-one date with Nick and he went all out. They went strolling around New Orleans, stumbled on their very own parade with props and and a nondescript route so they could be easily spotted by the other girls looking down longingly from the hotel window.
Group Date: America’s sweetheart Danielle M. got the rose on the group date. It was in a haunted house where a little girl was supposed to be haunting it. Nick just plans the best dates.
Two-On-One: Taylor and Corinne I feel like this was deserving of a montage of seasons’ past two-on-one winners: Ashley I. and Kelsey being left in the badlands, Olivia Caridi being left on an island. Kasey and Justin in an ice cave. We should not forget these great moments. And now Taylor and Corinne in the Bayou.Corinne got the rose. But not without a showdown. Taylor was left on the Bayou, got some voodoo water sign courage from the people on the bayou and decided to interrupt Corinne one last time.
Full recap to follow. Until then, enjoy this pithy commentary from tweeters below.
Best Quotes of the Night: These fine folk pretty much sum it up.
The ladies shovel Comet the Cow’s manure, Nick and Danielle L. “run into” an ex, Corinne gave her 10 millionth group speech, Vanessa brought back the scrapbook and the group traveled to the exotic location of…drumroll please…
Who got kicked off: Christan and Brittany were sent home from the rose ceremony that should have taken place last week. And missed out on a ton of poop-shoveling fun.
Can we please just give pause and a slow clap to Vanessa for bringing back the long missed scrapbook? What once used to be a typical gift between contestants and their Bachelor/ette, now has become a rare gem. Vanessa’s students made it for Nick to get him to love her, but still. The best gift.
Danielle L. got the first one-on-one with Nick. And happened to run into one of his ex’s. They had a nice chat outside.
Raven got a one-on-one and met the fam, including Bella the youngest sibling and the mom and dad. She definitely got a rose and probably had the cutest date of all time – roller rink skating and watching Bella’s soccer game. PLUS, she told us the most epic story of how she found her ex cheating on her (shield your ears!) mid-thrust with another woman, in her Southern accent. Just winning all around.
Kristina the Russian got the rose on the group date.
Best Quote of the Night:
“I don’t know if it’s cow shit or bullshit, but I smell it.” – Sarah in reference to Corinne opting out of shoveling cow manure and crying hurt hand syndrome.
Taylor and Corinne feud by the fire. Taylor explains emotional intelligence to Corinne. Corinne thinks Taylor is calling her stupid. We’re left with previews of next week leading us to believe there is a showdown between the two and one goes home.
A SHARK DISGUISED AS A DOLPHIN IN HEELS, A SEA OF RED, AND A LOVER FROM THE PAST ARE READY TO KICK THIS SEASON OFF WITH A BANG (but for reals).
Bring in the limos and uncomfortable interactions! Nick is officially off on his 4th journey to find love. Good news. Every girl loves red. Every girl claims to love dolphins in their interviews on ABC.com, yet none can identify a dolphin from a shark. (The heels must be throwing it off.) They are all going to get along just fine.
Who got kicked off: Olivia, Angela the model, Lauren, Briana, Michelle, Susannah, Jasmine B., and Ida Marie are the ladies leaving us on night one.
Bachelors of Season’s Past
They started the show by bringing back Chris Soules, Ben Higgins, and Sean Lowe to give Nick some advice. Fatherhood looks good on Sean. I had no idea why Chris Soules was there.
Most Uncomfortable First Impressions:
Jaimi: Told him she had balls. And then proceeded to pull out her nose ring. That’s not flattering. That’s where boogers live.
Hailey: Hailey told him she liked to go commando.
Hailey: “What do girls who wear underwear say?” Nick: “I don’t know.” Hailey: “Neither do I.” Classy.
Lacey: Rode in on a camel. Opened with “I hear you like a good hump. So do I.” I know people will fight me for this being one of the better introductions, but I stand by my humps!
Danielle M: She brought a homemade gift of maple syrup. She was shaking as she tried to have him taste it off of her finger. As we’ll later find out, she’s a neonatal nurse that lost her fiancé. If you don’t love America’s Sweetheart, you have no soul.
Alexis: Left Shark. Dolphin. Shark. Dolphinark. In heels. A shark disguised as a dolphin in heels. Alexis showed up in a costume. YES, she wore heels with it. I love it. Keeper. Opening line: “I ‘dolphinately’ can’t wait to meet you inside.”
Nope, still a shark costume, Alexis. But you do you. At one point she ditched her heels got in the pool making dolphin sounds. She just makes me so happy.
Sarah: She came in jogging in a gown and running shoes and made an adorable pun, saying, “I thought you might appreciate another runner-up, so I had to run up you,” as Nick has been known to be the runner up for two seasons now.
Best Quotes of the Night:
Sarah when she walks into the party. “Oh my gawd, there’s food!”
Hailey standing next to Alexis in the Dolphinark costume during the rose ceremony: “If I don’t get a rose tonight, I’d be hugging a f** dolphin.” It’s a shark, Hailey. Left Shark.
The Cocktail Party
Dolphin Shark got into the pool and made dolphin sounds. Corinne stole the first kiss. And Doula Liz had a very uncomfortable conversation with Nick about how she thought he wouldn’t remember her. She told him the reason she never gave him her number was because she believed the image ABC had painted of him as a villain. But don’t worry she eased his disbelief with the fact that she watched Bachelor in Paradise and that changed her mind about him. Sooo there’s that. I was sorely disappointed by the lack of tricks or ways to impress Nick by stealing his time.
First Impression Rose: Rachel the lawyer got the first impression rose.
Elizabeth “Liz” already met Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. She was Jade’s maid of honor and she and Nick had sex. Nick had asked for her number and she didn’t give it to him those months ago. SO now Nick is like WTF, but the producers are most definitely like Nick, you gotta keep her on, we need that drama. And Nick is like fudge.
Corinne has a nanny. That is all. Just Corinne has a nanny. For herself.
A great drinking game is trying to name all of the ladies in red. Poor, Nick. He had 30 ladies and more than half wore red dresses night one. One theory is, all the ladies wanted Nick to notice them in a bold red. My theory is the producers whispered things in their ears to tip the scales and then were like GL, Nick! Try to remember the names now!
Best Nick Quote of the Night:
Taylor told Nick during their first introduction out of the limo that her friends said Nick was a piece of sh**. And after that intro Nick turned to the camera and was like, “I can’t wait to meet her friends.”
There seems to be a theme. All the ladies are playing off the fact that Nick is a very sexual person, that he was originally pegged as a douche-bag, and that he’s only ever been the runner up. So that’s fun for him.
Poor guy, I’m thoroughly looking forward to this season! I think it’s going to be a good one.
Best Tweets of the Night
Featuring witty commentary from @EricaKatoTV, @ChrisMFHarrison, @yarnaesthetic and @TheFakeBachelor
Bachelor Brackets Update
Are your brackets destroyed? That’s because apparently I was missing a few ladies with Nick having 30 ladies to his posse.
Download Your Bracket**UPDATED (1/2/17): Bachelor Bracket has been updated: Week one added 3 ladies (taking it up to 22 ladies), Week two added 2 ladies (making 18 ladies), Week three added 2 ladies, Week four added 2 ladies, Week five added 1 lady. If you started playing this means you get to add some more ladies to your brackets and since you had to whittle it down early you already know your true frontrunners. My sincerest apologies, I will drink a glass of wine as penance.
Previews for the upcoming season reveal Corrine trying to get hot and heavy with Nick in his room, Nick crying to the ladies that are left. From these previews it gives the impression Corinne, Raven, Danielle M., and Rachel stick around for awhile, enough to make it through some drama. Until next week, Bachelor Fans.
A flood of tears, a first glimpse of Iowa, and we finished a Sunday/Monday two part special Monday night with two rose ceremonies and Hometown dates!!
1st Rose Ceremony: Britt had a meltdown, pulled Chris aside and he sent her home. But not before he threw Carly under the bus. Here’s a tip: don’t tell Chris things you don’t want him to tell the other ladies. Because he’ll do it. He just doesn’t know how to slyly bring up those topics of conversation. Chris told Britt Carly said Britt didn’t like Arlington. Britt made a dramatic crying exit. Then they finished out the rose ceremony and Chris sent Carly home crying in the limo, asking why no one loved her. Because you broke the cardinal rule, Carly, of not talking about the other ladies.
Who made it to Hometowns! Becca, Whitney, Jade, and Kaitlyn (more detail to follow in a later post)
2nd Rose Ceremony: After hometown dates, Chris sent playboy model Jade home.
Who got kicked off: And Megan’s been gone for awhile, kicked off at the beginning of Sunday’s episode, probably chilling and sunning herself outside of the US in New Mexico.
There are three ladies left!! Whitney, Becca, and Kaitlyn. And you know what that means, Bachelor Fans! It’s time for Fantasy Suite dates. Becca still hasn’t told him she’s a virgin, Kaitlyn still has a wall up, and Whitney’s still out there making babies. Which one of these ladies is going home and which two are going to meet the ‘rents?
The group flew across the country to Seoul, South Korea. As Juan Pablo pointed out, this was the first rose ceremony abroad, where if you didn’t receive a rose, “people will have to fly back home 12 hours feeling rejected and that’s not fun.” No, Juan Pablo. No, it’s not.
Who got kicked off: Also known as the ladies who got a 12 hour flight home. Lauren the music composer and Elise the first grade teacher are out.
Group Date: 6 lucky ladies got to perform with Korea’s most popular hip hop group: 21. The group arrived at YG Entertainment, where they met South Korea’s most popular KPOP group, and picked up a few dance moves.
This is Clare’s response to the news they’re flying to Korea:
“Korea! I don’t even have a kimono!”
1. Nope, that’s Japan. 2. I don’t think that’s a requirement in order to enter the country. At least, last time I checked that was the case, and 3. You’re killing me (and Carmen Sandiego who I know, back in the day, taught you Kimonos are traditional Japense garb.)
Juan Pablo: “I love dancing. And girls that know how to dance are the best way to win Juan Pablo’s heart.”
Kat used to be a dancer, so naturally was in her element. She was going a little over the top. Nikki, on the other hand, looked like she wanted to die.
Quote of the Night:
Nikki: “This is my worst nightmare…and I kinda wanna crap my pants. I hope we’re performing for the Korean School of the Blind.” Well played, Nikki.
After the performance, the group went out to celebrate with some cocktails (what else?). During some one-on-one time, Kat opened up about her family life, about how her parents split when she was young and her Dad was an alcoholic. She shared feelings. Lots and lots of feelings.
Nurse Nikki, or negative Nikki, as her roommates have dubbed her, got the rose and a nice little kiss from Juan Pablo.
Elise broke the cardinal rule on her one-on-one time with Juan Pablo. Have you learned nothing from previous seasons?! Don’t talk about other girls during your time with him. That is a sure-fire ticket home.
They explored the city of Seoul, got traditional dresses for Camilla and Sharleen, and went to a tea house, where they got to talk a little bit more. Sharleen called him “cheeky” and “NOT blande.” At dinner, they bonded over their travels, and Sharleen found they had a lot more in common than she had originally anticipated. (And Bastille kept playing in my head – The walls kept tumbling down in the city that we looooove…)
Sharleen is growing on me. She does not have a lot of facial expressions, and she’s super composed all of the time. But there’s a little humor behind that poise. And she’s very well-spoken.
Later in the date, Juan Pablo brought her to a place with sufficient acoustics so she could sing. She said she doesn’t normally sing so early on for dudes she dates. (Sidenote: I love the lacy, black dress she wore on the date. I’ll find a link on Possessionista’s page for y’all. I mean mostly for myself, but you too.) As expected, her voice is gorgeous. She made him close his eyes, and after she sang a few bars, they shared a romantic kiss.
Group Date: The remaining ladies got a full day of Korea (do all of the things!), starting with a little karaoke, followed by wandering the streets of Seoul, and, what do you know, they found a photobooth.
After that they went…I don’t know what these things are, but I want one. Swan peddle boats? Yes, please.
Next on the list, was getting the dead skin of their feet eaten off by tiny little fish. Yup. Exactly what it sounds like.
After that on their tour, the gang tries a bunch of different food at an outdoor market. Clare tells him she doesn’t want to eat octopus. Juan Pablo is so cute. He was like “Oh you don’t want to eat octupus? That is gonna be the first thing I give you. you just made the worst mistake of your life.” He’s a jokester that one.
Second Quote of the Night:
Kelly the dog lover on Clare’s overreaction to having to eat octopus: “Clare is so dramatic. Her piece was literally this big (mimes with fingers), and I know you’ve swallowed bigger things than that.”
On the group date, Juan Pablo vows to the cameras that he wants to set a good example for his daughter, and that because he’s already kissed 6 girls, he’s going to lay off the lip-locking. Exceeeept if he’s talking to Clare.
Juan Pablo: “I know I said I wasn’t gonna kiss anyone, but she is sexy.” As Jimmy Fallon said, that’s a good lesson for his daughter: Don’t kiss anyone unless you’re sexy. Then it’s OK.
Lauren went in for the kiss and he rejected her. Sobbing ensued.
Andigot the rose on the group date. Clare looked pisssssed.
Next on the world-wide tour, the troop is headed to Vietnam.
PSA: If you watch one thing, watch Juan Pablo’s lip syncing of 21’s hit song at the end of the episode bonus footage. It will make you fall in love with him (even more if you already do).
Our basic cable kept cutting in and out this episode, so not an extensive recap this week, but here’s the gist and what you need to know to get by on your Bachelor brackets.
Who got kicked off: Free Spirit out.
First One-On-One:Cassandra – the ex-NBA dancer and single mom, who, at the last rose ceremony, was doubting being at the mansion and leaving her son at home. Sidenote: I didn’t realize she was only 21, just barely drinking age legal and kind of a youngin’. Cassandra and Juan Pablo went water driving(?). Basically, it’s a boat that looks like a car and has steering capabilities and everything. Then he took her to his house and they cooked together, followed by some salsa dancing.
Theme of the Night: “I really want to make her feel comfortable.” – Juan Pablo. He said this several times throughout the night. And I’ve found “making her feel comfortable” always involves dancing or singing to a Latin beat.
Group Date: They had a group date at the StubHub Center in Carson, CA where the LA Galaxy men’s soccer team plays. The ladies split up into two teams to play a little soccer. Alli was in her element. As for the rest of the ladies…It was a little tough to watch. After the game, Andi the Prosecutor stole a kiss in the kitchen. Nikki stole some great convo (no kiss though) and the rose for the date.
One-On-One: Chelsie – One of the many blondes and teachers received the second one-on-on date card, reading something having to do with trust. Again, to make sure she was feeling comfortable, Juan Pablo pumped up the Latin tunes on the radio on their drive to their date. They went tandem bungee jumping off of a bridge. But first they stood there for an hour while Chelsie toggled back and forth between jumping or chickening out. (Which I can’t completely blame her, because I would have wet my pants if that was the date I had to go on. Jumping to your death? No thank you.) Finally, after Juan Pablo was like we don’t have to do this, she was like, well, now I want to. She conceded, they jumped, the chord held, and they shared an upside-down-Spiderman-esque kiss. Afterwards, they had dinner, talked about their biggest fears, and ended the date with a private concert by Billy Currington.
Pool Party: Instead of a rose ceremony, Juan Pablo opted for a pool party to get to spend more time with the ladies. First, though, he surprised them with a Venezuelan breakfast. A man that likes to cook and dance? Sign me up. I also, greatly enjoy when the bachelors surprise the ladies in the AM before the ladies have had their coffee and had the chance to get all dolled up. I like to see if any of them will snap. Kelly (the girl with the dog) came downstairs, disheveled to let her dog Molly out to use the facilities, and got a little shocked to find Juan Pablo in the kitchen. That started a parade of ladiesin their make-up-less ensembles to stumble downstairs to greet Juan Pablo.
At the pool party, Sharleen made out with Juan Pablo kind of in the open, stirring up a little chatter amongst the ladies. Kat also rubbed a few people the wrong way with her game of chicken in the pool and monopolizing Juan Pablo’s time. Clare got a little overwhelmed and let out a few tears. Elise made known her dislike for Chelsie (or not necessarily dislike, but rather her concern that Chelsie was too much of a child and not ready to be a mom to Juan Pablo’s daughter.) Also, this is the most I’ve seen Elise talk, and she surprisingly got a rose again tonight – the sleeper (see the poll on this page for reference)?
Next Sunday is the LIVE wedding of Sean and Catherine!!! January 26th, 8 PM – 10 PM EST. I’ll follow up with a post on all you need to know before the special date.
I swoon every time Juan Pablo makes his C’s sound like S’s. (“Will you assept this rose?”) (Why yes, yes I will, as soon as I can pick myself up off of this ground.”) Swoon.
Who got kicked off: The one’s with Red X’s were sent a packin’. Fun fact: Victoria was sent home before the rose ceremony. Oh yes, the drama has begun…Group date. Check it.
First One-On-One: Clare
Juan Pablo blindfolded her (swoon again) and drove her to a winter wonderland in LA. Clare is adorable and fun, but man, sometimes all I want her to do is speak a little faster. Spit it out, woman. We’ve only got 2 hours of showtime. They romped in the fake snow that only LA can provide, ice skated (or rather torturously clamored around the rink), and of course finished the date in a hot tub. They also had their own private concert, where they slow-danced in their bikini and board shorts.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Free Spirit Lucy’s just chillin’ in the hot tub. Topless. With the ladies.
Second One-On-One: Kat
Kat used to be a dancer. Apparently to Juan Pablo, dancer equates to runner. He took her on a private jet to the Electric Run in Salt Lake City, Utah. Decked in neon, they completed the race and then were pulled onstage to rave. She received a rose.
I love when they do charity events. This time the date supported an animal shelter. The event was called Models and Mutts. All of the girls paired up with an adoptable dog, were given a costume to match their mutt, and then posed in a pic with said dogs and Juan Pablo. In true Bachelor fashion, there were a range of outfits from hot, flattering dresses and bikinis to hideous ensembles (where not even Heidi Klum could pull it off and look attractive), to of course the completely outrageous (as in no outfit at all). Kelly got the hideous outfit (bald cap, brown paint with white spots), while Andi and one of the blondes got the completely outrageous. Cardboard signs do not count as wardrobe.
“What do you wear under this?”
The stylist responds: “A smile.”
Umm…no. The blonde (I think it was Elise) traded with FreeSpiritLucy for a fire hydrant outfit. Lucy gladly assepted the nude ensemble. Andi was not so thrilled. She was fretting over it when Juan Pablo came to talk to her. He eased her concerns, by letting her know he’d be doing it too.
Kelly got the rose on the group date.
Finally! We have the token drunk. But she was not to stick around. Hot mess Victoria, had one too many cocktails, which led to some dry humping, bathroom-stall sitting, and lots and lots of crying. The crew put her up in a hotel that night and Juan Pablo went to talk to her the next morning. Her 24 years to his 32 years was painfully obvious, and he sent her home. Rightfully so. He has a family to take care of. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Amy L. had some very awkward one-on-one time with Juan Pablo. She’s a news reporter in Florida, which she thought would be fun to role play with Juan Pablo. Errm. Not so much. She interview-styled him, and it was…different. (I don’t know what that is, either but it sounded good when I started to type it, so I went with it. Maybe we can make that a thing. Interview-styled. Or not.)
We also found out that there are two mommas on this season: Cassandra and Renee. Cassandra was a little worried about leaving her son, Trey, at home and already questioning if she should be there. Renee pulled her aside to comfort her, but it was Juan Pablo who stepped in and talked Cassandra through it, letting her know he wanted her there.
Anyone out there making Bachelor brackets? Any chance Elise could be the silent killer and come back and win it all? (Silent killer…sleeper…po-tay-to, po-tah-to…whatever they call those things.)
I realize I kind of fell off the map, but I was hooked on Ready for Love. They cancelled it after three episodes so you know it was good. Come on, please tell me I’m not the only Bachelor fan who was watching.
In any case, here is your first recap of this season’s The Bachelorette!
This season, Chris Harrison loosened the reins on handing out roses for the first night again. Frankly, I like this way a lot better. I mean really. How can you expect someone to remember all sorts of names in one night where alcohol is flowing and cameras are rolling?
Who got kicked off night one:
Best entrance: I’m a sucker for a good pun. Chris the mortgage broker from Seattle. got down on one knee faking proposal, even wiped his sweating brow. “Will you…mind if I tie my shoe.” He then proceeded to tie it, asked for assistance getting up, and subtly said, “Just wanted to get off on the right foot.” Clever.
Worst dressed of the night: Micah and then we have Diogo. Both earn points for cleverness and originality and real commitment toward the cause. However, that suit was an eyesore. Micah put together a mismatched-sewn suit because he knew Des designed her own dress for the first night of The Bachelor on Sean’s season. Diogo wore an entire suit of armor. I’m talking head-to-toe metal, helmet and all. I have to say, watching him try to walk was pretty entertaining.
Best moment of the night: Hands down. Shirtless man’s expression after seeing the man covered in tin. Too covered up for him I suppose. These snapshots don’t do it justice, but go back and watch it (skip to 35:18), it’s hilarious. Plus, the other reaction the man in armor received when he walked into the room of men: “Don’t go near the water. You’re probably not gonna float.” Yeah, probably gonna sink in love too as far as Des is concerned.
Cute story: Brandon: The painting contractor sat down with Des and told her about how he got on the show. He was supposed to go to his birthday party, but ABC asked to have his interview that same day. He flipped a coin and it said to go to the interview for The Bachelor. He handed Des the coin and told her, “When it comes to hometown dates I want you to give it to my mom.”
Ben and Brody: Last out of the limos was a little boy. No, it was the Baby Bachelor. Followed by the adorable little tyke, was a handsome daddy, Ben. Ben scooped up Brody and told her, “I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m bringing someone much more handsome than I am. I want you to know exactly who he is when I talk about Brody because I want you to know exactly who I am.” Love that he brought it up right off the bat. And gosh darn that Brody is a cutie. He gave Des the flower and asked his daddy if he did a good job. Then grandma pops out of the limo to take Brody on home. The heart-melting moment was when Ben’s son, Brody, said, “I wish I could go to the party.” Excellent way to a girls heart. A toddler AND grandma. Melt away.
The federal lawyer, Michael G. put it perfectly, “…already living in a crazy house: a magician, a shirtless man, and a man in full-on suit of armor.” It’s gonna be a good season.