Fantasy Suite Date Cards Galore! A Tent For a Date. An Ex Returns For His Girl and Arie’s Living it Up in Peru Throwing Around the “L” Word Like It’s Confetti.
Arie and his final three ladies traveled to Peru for adventures and Fantasy Suite Date Cards. He said, “I love you,” to ALL of the ladies over and over again. Dropped the “L” bomb just like that. Arie’s like poo poo ABC and your rules, I do what I want.
Who got kicked off: Our beloved, quirky Kendall was sent home at the rose ceremony. Arie pulled her aside and they both saw their relationship wasn’t as far along as the others. Until next time, Kendall. My fingers are crossed for a Bachelor in Paradise reunion with you, your quirkiness, and your taxidermy. A beach is a very nice place for a ukele. Just sayin’. Peace.
The Twist! ‘Twas Beccawhose ex returned to find her love. This guy flew all the way to Peru to give it a go with Becca. That is commitment there, ladies. He talked to Arie. It was awkward. Arie was like I literally just had a fantasy suite date with this girl you claim to love…
Becca had none of it and didn’t want that to affect her and Arie’s relationship. She went back to Arie and all’s good in the hood. Also, timeline. Becca dated the ex guy for 7 years and it was weird timing that he and Becca had broken up one year ago at this very similar time.
Anywhooos, Arie was like I need to process and didn’t know if he wanted to have to deal with the crazy ex if he did choose Becca. He asked, is this going to be a problem in our relationship later? Translation: I’m going to use this as an excuse when I pick Lauren B. over Becca. (Disclaimer: I have no idea who he chooses. I’m just being snarky. I don’t read the spoilers! They take away from the surprise!)
Two ladies are left! Lauren B. and Becca K.
Also, Becca’s date included a tent in the desert. Just a tent. Just a bed. In the desert.
Next week Monday AND Tuesday, March 5th and 6th at 8|7c is the Bachelor finale! Reality Steve and TV Guide indicate there will be a 2 hour finale and a 1 hour After the Final Rose on Monday night and a second follow-up After the Final Rose for 1 hour on Tuesday night. Yes, two nights. Buckle up, stock up and pour yourself a glass…from that box o’ wine. You deserve it.
Krystal has a temper tantrum for the ages. The ladies go bowling. And Maquel Returns To Say Hi and bye.
And the bachelorettes continue their world-wide tour from Lake Tahoe to…Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Chelsea got a one-on-one on a yacht. The group date was bowling and Krystal lost her sh*t. And Tia got the second one-on-one date. Lauren B. got the rose on the group date where they played 21 questions and Arie was surprised she used coconut milk in her coffee. Easily pleased that one.
Krystal had a temper tantrum and sent her relationship on a rocky road with Arie after she packed her bags and refused to come on the group date. Meanwhile, Jenna said nervous was always at the top of her emotions. And then giggled.
Fun Facts! This is where you know Kendall from or don’t but must know! She was on an episode of Fear Factor that never aired with her twin sister. The did a stunt involving electrocution and collecting flags in a maze. And rumors that drinking donkey semen was another challenge. She was also a set dresser on Keeping Up with the Kardashians, according to Life and Style Magazine.
Who got kicked off: Maquel…again. She left for her grandpa’s funeral services and came back this week…only to be knocked back at a rose ceremony. Ashley and Marikh went home.
All Roads Lead to Hot Tubs! BEKAH IS 22. LAKE TAHOE HIKING AND GLAM SHAMING ARE HERE.
“For the record I am always Pro Glam.” Me too, Chelsea. Me too. Preach it. A true Glamper if I’ve ever seen one. The ladies came up with clever ways to use or not use a compass in the outdoors of Lake Tahoe. Bekah is 22 and making Arie nervous. Becca K. apologized for being sweaty at the rose ceremony.
Who got kicked off: Maquel technically left on her own volition because of her grandpa’s passing. Caroline and Brittany were sent home at the rose ceremony. No cocktail party was had.
One-on-One: Seinne our leading lady got the one-on-one date. She went paragliding with Arie on Lake Tahoe as the other ladies watched on from the cabin. She also had a dinner and concert.
Group Date: The group date was a hike in the wilderness. They split into three groups. One of the lucky groups had Arie as a team member. I’m pretty sure no one knew how to use a compass, but kudos for creativity. All roads lead to hot tubs. After they found their destination they immediately stripped down into their bikinis. Krystal cozied up next to Arie and started a feud. Arie seems to really like the taxidermist. #TeamTaxidermy
On the group date during his conversation with Tia, Tia revealed she was feeling a little insecure about their relationship and Arie’s response was “Don’t worry, I have a plan.” I’m confused. Can I be in on this plan? But like really, what is this plan? I’m curious.
One-on-One: Bekah went on a horseback riding date around Lake Tahoe. Along the trail was a hot tub. In the hot tub Bekah uncovered an accident Arie had in a truck called the Black Widow that crashed and rolled several times. He has screws in his collar bone that he broke. He bonded with Bekah even more. At dinner Bekah finally told him she was 22. And you could see his face immediately change. His mind is racing. Bekah fought to stay and Arie decided to give her the rose saying the he couldn’t let her go yet.
Jenna: No, but seriously, if you have an idea of what is going on in Jenna’s head please tell me. Like fill out the contact me page with what you think is in Jenna’s head and I will post it here. Because I am so lost.
I’m also actively recruiting hotties for the tech recruiter Brittany because she is adorable and deserves to find love. So if you know any sexy bachelors send them my way!
Best Conversation of the Night:
Marikh to Chelsea: I heard that you were glam shaming me.
Chelsea: What is glam shaming?
Marikh compared it to slut shaming, telling Chelsea, “You told Arie I was using the compass to fix my makeup.” Chelsea responded that it was lighthearted. Marikh corrected, “I was fixing my hair.”
Chelsea’s response to a producer in an interview: “I am a former model. That was part of my career to get glammed up. For the record, I am always pro glam.”
Tonight is a new episode! Get your glam and glasses ready!
Motorcycle Roadtrips down memory lanE, Dress-Up with Rachel Zoe, Hometown visits, Bumper Car Trauma and Pillow Lips
We’re off to the races. Becca got the first date. Krystal got a rose and went straight to meet the parents. 15 ladies went on the group date and played adult-sized bumper cars. Krystal revealed she had a tough life growing up and her brother was homeless. Annaliese revealed she doesn’t like bumper cars. I’d like to upfront apologize to all those out there that have also had bumper car trauma and or have been hurt having to be subjected to the phrase “pillow lips.” Twitter was very unkind to you.
Who got kicked off: Jenny, Lauren G., and Valerie were sent home never to be remembered again. Although, Jenny did make a dramatic exit, breezing by Arie and telling him she was there to make friends and apparently this was the first time she was broken up with. Well, she is handling it well.
First one-on-one date: Becca Whisked away on a motorcycle, Becca was first one to go on a date, zipped up in a leather jacket and riding down the highways of Los Angeles. He showered her with Rachel Zoe gowns and Louis Vuitton heels and Neil Lane jewelry. I feel like this date was designed (See what I did there. The Bachelor interns would be proud.) to make the other girls jealous and make Becca the most hated woman in the house. Because Becca got to keep ALL of the swag, take it back home and then meet Arie later in the night for the rest of their date. Still a great date. Awkward because Becca just modeled the clothes, but I think they got to hang out by the pool after the promenade.
Best Quote: “Have you ever done this before?” She asked, referring to Arie putting the earrings on her ears.
Arie: Yes…for my mom.
Umm…not exactly what I was picturing, but suuure.
He really likes to kiss Becca.
Another Great Quote: Arie to Becca: “I feel like you reminded me most of myself when I was on The Bachelorette so if you have any questions just ask.” That feels more like a big brotherly role. But he likes to kiss her. I’m unsure. I’m so confused!
One-on-one: Krystal went on a one-on-one date back in time with Arie to Scottsdale, AZ. They drove by the high school. He showed her where his first kiss was, his first job at pizza hut and then proceeded to go through old family photos (videos included). The real kicker is they went to meet the fam bam. Krystal met mom, dad, bro, and bro’s recent wife. Krystal handled it well.
Group Date: Aka the best date ever. Demolition Derby was the name of the game, where you basically crash into each other until your car stopped running with only one woman standing. A-mazing. AND you got to spray paint a car. 15 ladies were on this date. 15 ladies drove around in derby cars to ram into each other.
Everyone wanted to know who painted the 9 car and transformed it into the epic 69 that it was. Creativity at its finest. That my friends was our good friend, Brittany T. Arie, the sweatheart that he is, made sure to check on Brittany at the rose ceremony because she was out for whiplash.
Bumper Car Trauma: Bibiana asked where the track was in Miami because it was gonna be her new therapy. Get it, girl. Meanwhile, Annaliese flashed back to a traumatic bumper car incident where she remembered getting trapped in the middle and getting hit. “And I just remember being so alone and so scared.” I’m sorry, but I’m pretty sure that’s HOW bumper cars work. Like it’s inherent in the game. I don’t understand.
I’d like to formally apologize on behalf of all of the friends on the Twitter universe, if you have ever been personally victimized by bumper car trauma.
Best Quote: “So could this be the first time Arie actually wins something on a race track.” Chris Harrison with the shade.
Bashelor Instant Replay camera for the win. Seinne was the winner. Seinne went to Yale and lived in Scottsdale for a time. Keep an eye on this one.
Rose on the Group Date: Seinne got the rose on the group date. I love when they interview Bekah C. and they always ask how she’s feeling and she’s always like “I’m so good,” and then they bring out a one-up by another girl. I would like this to continue. It’s very entertaining.
One of the girls said, “We all have such personalities and we’re all trying to figure out what he’s looking for.” Lemme help a sister out. He’s looking for blondes and Beccas.
Let’s Talk Taxidermy:
So Kendall introduced Arie to parts of her taxidermy collection. Arie was like, I knew you were artsy, but…
Arie explained he had a friend that collected doll parts, so he gets it. Kendall’s response: “See that’s creepy. Doll parts are creepy,” says the girl who collects taxidermy.
Jenny went home in a huff and was really just upset the taxidermy collector beat her out. And she was there to make friends and become Instagram famous. And she had never been broken up with. And girl needs to get over it. She’s out week 2, bummer, you’ll survive.
Best Tweets of the Night: Shout out to these Twitter folk who narrated each moment lovingly.
Bachelor Winter Games premieres February 13th and my heart is warmed by the full winter ahead of me! A new episode of The Bachelor airs tonight 8|7c on ABC.
Corinne brought out the champagne mid-show and Chris Harrison basked in his two whole hours of screen time.
Chris Harrison got 2 whole hours of face time and he was. loving. it. He even got a rose ceremony. Take that, Nick.
Sarah: “It was so hard to walk night one because it was rainy, so it was wet.”
Chris Harrison: “Those were actually tears of previous Bachelorettes.”
Chris Harrison coming in hot. His redemption episode.
Who got kicked off: Rachel the next Bachelorette was finally kicked off of this season as ABC already released the spoiler that she was the next Bachelorette. Bachelor Bus is Back!
The Bachelor Bus is this glorious bus that takes Chris Harrison and the current Bachelor, this season being Nick, to all of the Bachelor viewing parties with giant numbers of ladies. They breezed through the UCLA campus to sorority row.
Dolphin Shark returned in style. An audience member wore a left shark costume just as Alexis did that glorious night one. Only this audience member didn’t get drunk. Alexis was asked what the difference was between a dolphin and a shark. She identified that a shark has gills. I guess life has taught her things post-bachelor.
On the hot seat
Liz went on a soapbox about loving yourself.
Kristina about living a life in color.
Rachel on being the next Bachelorette. “I don’t want to get caught up in everything. [gets distracted by the audience member in the left shark costume.] I’m sorry I just saw the person in the shark costume.”
Tonight is the 3 hour finale!!!! Yes. 3 hours. Buckle up, Bachelor Nation.
Vacation time’s over, Raquel. Corinne is coming home.
Fantasy Suite dates in Finland have arrived! ABC keeps trying to make us second guess will he or won’t he take the ladies to the Fantasy Suite to make sweet suite love. By now we’ve seen Nick on this show four times. It’s not really a secret.
Who got kicked off: Corinne was sent home in a very rare rose ceremony. Nick called Vanessa last and after he handed the rose out, Corinne broke down immediately into tears. We only cry in the limo ride, Corinne! And in good ol’ Corinne fashion after she entered the limo and finished an interview, she promptly took a nap. I mean Lincoln took naps. Michael Jordan took naps. You do you, boo.
She’ll be fine. Nothing a little cheese pasta can’t cure. I’m sure those tears will be promptly wiped away as soon as you can say Bachelor in Paradise. Finally, next week, Chris Harrison reclaims his glory in Women Tell All. We’ve missed you good fellow.
Andi coming back was a fakeout. She was just a producer ploy that they brought back to have her check in with Nick on how his dates were progressing. No chance these two were getting back together. But they made amends from that time long ago and Andi went on her stylish way.
Raven They didn’t show all of Raven’s date because it was only an hour-long Bachelor episode this week. But we did get enough air time to find out Raven has only been with her previous boyfriend and never had an orgasm. Sooo there’s that. Raven likes to share. Next week we’ll find out how the Fantasy Suite date went for the two of them and see Rachel and Vanessa’s dates.
“With every step of the way you’ve made it easy for me to love you.” – Raven and a hallmark card out there somewhere
Nick’s Finland Sweater
When in Finland do as the Finnish do. Can we all just take a moment to appreciate this sweater? I mean it must be cold in Finland. Just look at Raven’s shoulderless top.
Author’s Note: I still don’t know how to turn off captions on my television. So you’re welcome
Next week is a 3-hour special. First we find out what happens with the rest of those Fantasy Suite Dates and then we bring back the ladies for Women Tell All. So get those wine fridges stocked and ready!
What we learned this episode. New Nanny vs Corinne’s Nanny is gold, A volleyball game has the power to make everyone pout and contemplate life, and Nick really doesn’t know how to plan dates.
Nick is like I refuse to have a rose ceremony. Take that Chris Harrison. No screen time for you.
Taylor came back to talk to Nick and assure him she was not a bully. This did nothing to sway his opinion about Corinne and Nick made out with Corinne in her up-to-there, skin-tight dress as shots of Taylor stewing in the black escalade home were interspersed with the narrative. Just lovely.
The group traveled to St. Thomas!
Who got kicked off: Dolphin Shark Alexis, Jaimi, and Josephine the serenader were the three unlucky ladies sent home at the rare rose ceremony that occurred at the beginning of the episode. Jasmine pulled a Dominique and got sent home at the cocktail hour after the group date because she wasn’t getting enough time with him. Note to self: Do not pull out the Chokey. Awko Taco. Whitney and Danielle L. were both sent home on the two-on-one. Yes, another two-on-one. Danielle L. got the rose on the two-on-one so Whitney was left on the island to fend for herself. But then Danielle L. kept talking about her feelings and dropped the L-bomb and Nick was like I’m feeling like you should go home right now.
And so she did and Nick was left feeling hopeless and uncertain of the process. He went so far as to go into the hotel room and cry to the six remaining girls that he didn’t know if this process was going to work for him. So many tears.
I honestly don’t know how the blooper reel will survive without our beloved Dolphin Shark. You will always have a special place in my heart, Left Shark. Even if you weren’t appreciated in your time.
COrinne’s Nanny earns another week of vacation, Rachel finally gets her one-on-one date, and I still can’t figure out who any of these girls are Aside from the previously costumed Left Shark
The destination this week was New Orleans! It was the site of the earliest two-on-one date in Bachelor franchise history. Rachel got her very own parade. We started with the rose ceremony that was supposed to go down last week. There is so much screen time for Corinne, that unless you are picking a fight with her or getting down and dirty in a bubble bath next to her, I have no idea who you are.
Who got kicked off: Lovely little Sarah and Astrid were sent bayou (Editor’s note: overused pun, blame the wine or Corinne. I feel like she can handle it.) Taylor was sent home on the two-on-one.
One-On-One: First Impression Rose Rachel finally got her one-on-one date with Nick and he went all out. They went strolling around New Orleans, stumbled on their very own parade with props and and a nondescript route so they could be easily spotted by the other girls looking down longingly from the hotel window.
Group Date: America’s sweetheart Danielle M. got the rose on the group date. It was in a haunted house where a little girl was supposed to be haunting it. Nick just plans the best dates.
Two-On-One: Taylor and Corinne I feel like this was deserving of a montage of seasons’ past two-on-one winners: Ashley I. and Kelsey being left in the badlands, Olivia Caridi being left on an island. Kasey and Justin in an ice cave. We should not forget these great moments. And now Taylor and Corinne in the Bayou.Corinne got the rose. But not without a showdown. Taylor was left on the Bayou, got some voodoo water sign courage from the people on the bayou and decided to interrupt Corinne one last time.
Full recap to follow. Until then, enjoy this pithy commentary from tweeters below.
Best Quotes of the Night: These fine folk pretty much sum it up.
The ladies shovel Comet the Cow’s manure, Nick and Danielle L. “run into” an ex, Corinne gave her 10 millionth group speech, Vanessa brought back the scrapbook and the group traveled to the exotic location of…drumroll please…
Who got kicked off: Christan and Brittany were sent home from the rose ceremony that should have taken place last week. And missed out on a ton of poop-shoveling fun.
Can we please just give pause and a slow clap to Vanessa for bringing back the long missed scrapbook? What once used to be a typical gift between contestants and their Bachelor/ette, now has become a rare gem. Vanessa’s students made it for Nick to get him to love her, but still. The best gift.
Danielle L. got the first one-on-one with Nick. And happened to run into one of his ex’s. They had a nice chat outside.
Raven got a one-on-one and met the fam, including Bella the youngest sibling and the mom and dad. She definitely got a rose and probably had the cutest date of all time – roller rink skating and watching Bella’s soccer game. PLUS, she told us the most epic story of how she found her ex cheating on her (shield your ears!) mid-thrust with another woman, in her Southern accent. Just winning all around.
Kristina the Russian got the rose on the group date.
Best Quote of the Night:
“I don’t know if it’s cow shit or bullshit, but I smell it.” – Sarah in reference to Corinne opting out of shoveling cow manure and crying hurt hand syndrome.
Taylor and Corinne feud by the fire. Taylor explains emotional intelligence to Corinne. Corinne thinks Taylor is calling her stupid. We’re left with previews of next week leading us to believe there is a showdown between the two and one goes home.
A SHARK DISGUISED AS A DOLPHIN IN HEELS, A SEA OF RED, AND A LOVER FROM THE PAST ARE READY TO KICK THIS SEASON OFF WITH A BANG (but for reals).
Bring in the limos and uncomfortable interactions! Nick is officially off on his 4th journey to find love. Good news. Every girl loves red. Every girl claims to love dolphins in their interviews on ABC.com, yet none can identify a dolphin from a shark. (The heels must be throwing it off.) They are all going to get along just fine.
Who got kicked off: Olivia, Angela the model, Lauren, Briana, Michelle, Susannah, Jasmine B., and Ida Marie are the ladies leaving us on night one.
Bachelors of Season’s Past
They started the show by bringing back Chris Soules, Ben Higgins, and Sean Lowe to give Nick some advice. Fatherhood looks good on Sean. I had no idea why Chris Soules was there.
Most Uncomfortable First Impressions:
Jaimi: Told him she had balls. And then proceeded to pull out her nose ring. That’s not flattering. That’s where boogers live.
Hailey: Hailey told him she liked to go commando.
Hailey: “What do girls who wear underwear say?” Nick: “I don’t know.” Hailey: “Neither do I.” Classy.
Lacey: Rode in on a camel. Opened with “I hear you like a good hump. So do I.” I know people will fight me for this being one of the better introductions, but I stand by my humps!
Danielle M: She brought a homemade gift of maple syrup. She was shaking as she tried to have him taste it off of her finger. As we’ll later find out, she’s a neonatal nurse that lost her fiancé. If you don’t love America’s Sweetheart, you have no soul.
Alexis: Left Shark. Dolphin. Shark. Dolphinark. In heels. A shark disguised as a dolphin in heels. Alexis showed up in a costume. YES, she wore heels with it. I love it. Keeper. Opening line: “I ‘dolphinately’ can’t wait to meet you inside.”
Nope, still a shark costume, Alexis. But you do you. At one point she ditched her heels got in the pool making dolphin sounds. She just makes me so happy.
Sarah: She came in jogging in a gown and running shoes and made an adorable pun, saying, “I thought you might appreciate another runner-up, so I had to run up you,” as Nick has been known to be the runner up for two seasons now.
Best Quotes of the Night:
Sarah when she walks into the party. “Oh my gawd, there’s food!”
Hailey standing next to Alexis in the Dolphinark costume during the rose ceremony: “If I don’t get a rose tonight, I’d be hugging a f** dolphin.” It’s a shark, Hailey. Left Shark.
The Cocktail Party
Dolphin Shark got into the pool and made dolphin sounds. Corinne stole the first kiss. And Doula Liz had a very uncomfortable conversation with Nick about how she thought he wouldn’t remember her. She told him the reason she never gave him her number was because she believed the image ABC had painted of him as a villain. But don’t worry she eased his disbelief with the fact that she watched Bachelor in Paradise and that changed her mind about him. Sooo there’s that. I was sorely disappointed by the lack of tricks or ways to impress Nick by stealing his time.
First Impression Rose: Rachel the lawyer got the first impression rose.
Elizabeth “Liz” already met Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. She was Jade’s maid of honor and she and Nick had sex. Nick had asked for her number and she didn’t give it to him those months ago. SO now Nick is like WTF, but the producers are most definitely like Nick, you gotta keep her on, we need that drama. And Nick is like fudge.
Corinne has a nanny. That is all. Just Corinne has a nanny. For herself.
A great drinking game is trying to name all of the ladies in red. Poor, Nick. He had 30 ladies and more than half wore red dresses night one. One theory is, all the ladies wanted Nick to notice them in a bold red. My theory is the producers whispered things in their ears to tip the scales and then were like GL, Nick! Try to remember the names now!
Best Nick Quote of the Night:
Taylor told Nick during their first introduction out of the limo that her friends said Nick was a piece of sh**. And after that intro Nick turned to the camera and was like, “I can’t wait to meet her friends.”
There seems to be a theme. All the ladies are playing off the fact that Nick is a very sexual person, that he was originally pegged as a douche-bag, and that he’s only ever been the runner up. So that’s fun for him.
Poor guy, I’m thoroughly looking forward to this season! I think it’s going to be a good one.
Best Tweets of the Night
Featuring witty commentary from @EricaKatoTV, @ChrisMFHarrison, @yarnaesthetic and @TheFakeBachelor
Bachelor Brackets Update
Are your brackets destroyed? That’s because apparently I was missing a few ladies with Nick having 30 ladies to his posse.
Download Your Bracket**UPDATED (1/2/17): Bachelor Bracket has been updated: Week one added 3 ladies (taking it up to 22 ladies), Week two added 2 ladies (making 18 ladies), Week three added 2 ladies, Week four added 2 ladies, Week five added 1 lady. If you started playing this means you get to add some more ladies to your brackets and since you had to whittle it down early you already know your true frontrunners. My sincerest apologies, I will drink a glass of wine as penance.
Previews for the upcoming season reveal Corrine trying to get hot and heavy with Nick in his room, Nick crying to the ladies that are left. From these previews it gives the impression Corinne, Raven, Danielle M., and Rachel stick around for awhile, enough to make it through some drama. Until next week, Bachelor Fans.