Mud wrestling, pole dancing and shirtless men abound. Episode Theme: Magic Mike. Ellen DeGeneres is back! And Rachel made it clear she was looking for a man, not boys.
Who was kicked off: Blake E., Lucas and Jamey were sent home at the rose ceremony. DeMario was officially sent home and reprimanded. Fred was sent home mid-group date because she just couldn’t get past the camp counselor-camper relationship.
Alex got the rose on the group date.
Anthony got the rose on a one-on-one date.
Eric, despite warnings from Lee, Bryce and Rachel’s friend Raven, got the rose on the group date, which included mud wrestling. Did I mention the group date included mud wrestling. And a stripper pole in a limo bus with a fireman. I think this was a Magic Mike episode.
Chris Harrison’s redemption season continues. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis made guest appearances. And Copper at BarkFest became the star of the season.
You go Chris Harrison. Take back your show. Chris Harrison got to introduce the date card. First, I’d like to give a shout out to Will for sneaking in the word “duplicitous.” And using it correctly. Awesome. Then, just mad props to Rachel for bringing out the cutest pup and introducing us to puppy parties.
Who got kicked off:DeMario was sent home unceremoniously this week, only to return to the mansion later to try to talk to Rachel.
One-on-One Date: Peter got quite possibly the best date in Bachelor franchise history. He flew on a private jet to BarkFest with Rachel and her pup-with-a-cast, Copper. At dinner, Peter and Rachel bonded over gapped teeth and relationship therapists. And they had fireworks both figuratively and literally speaking.
Group Date: Dean, Jack Jonathan, Blake, Iggy, Kenny, Brett, Lucas Date Card Read: I’m looking for husband material.
Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis guest starred. Don’t get too excited. The Husband Material was a semi-lame obstacle course, where apparently the welfare of the baby meant nothing. Even though I’m pretty sure that was the point of the game. Each guy was given a fake baby to get SAFELY across the obstacle course of vacuum cleaners, clogged drains and dirty diapers. I saw babies flying, being spiked and getting dunked in the sink, followed by a shot block from Lucas to make it to the finish. I question Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis’ judgment on husband material and the rules of engagement.
They did vet the men in the beginning by asking who had health insurance.
During Lucas’ one-on-one time, Whaboom’s poem fell flat. Should have gone for a scrapbook, man. Should have gone for the scrapbook.
Rachel was getting bored to death by the men at the after date party, until Dean came in and Rachel described him as “a breath of fresh air,” that he “makes me comfortable, has such a great smile.”
Dean really stepped it up and got the rose on the group date.
Best Quotes of the Night:
“If y’all wanna get on the merry-go-round, go on down to Santa Monica.” – Kenny talking about Lucas and Blake going in conversational circles.
“I’m gonna show her I can be the most valuable player in the game and the most valuable player in her life.” – Matt. You can do better than that, Matt.
Blake lives with Lucas’ ex-girlfriend. DeMario has a girlfriend back home. And Alex likes to sing. Also, BarkFest should just be a general Tuesday.
Slow Clap for Will with the Word of the Day: Will must have one of those Word of the Day calendars or the like because his use of the word “duplicitous” was just spot on. And I declare him the winner. Because I have that power.
Not a soul was listening to a word Rachel said when she walked in in this dress. This might be the only appropriate time to use Whaaaboooom.
Props, Props, and More Props: I sense a theme this season. First Impression Rose man Bryan brought out the chiropractic bed. Someone brought out a doll house to design the perfect dream home with Rachel. And I guess Iggy brought out the thumb war.
Group Date #2: Alex, Adam, Diggy, Lee, Matt, Eric, Josiah, DeMario, Will, Jaimie Date card read: Swish
The group went on a basketball date. Rachel used to play basketball competitively. They brought out Kareem Abdul-Jabbar to teach the group basketball and character. Some listened better than others. Kareem announced they would be playing a game. The guys kept saying they’re going to play in a packed house like they really needed to perform. Yes. A packed house of Bachelorette fans. Not basketball fans. Some high school kids? I mean I think you’re fine. I doubt there are scouts there. Yes, definitely a high school band.
Score: 30 to 26
Josiah got the rose on the group date.
After the game, a lady came onto the court and asked to talk to Rachel. She told her DeMario was her boyfriend up until he appeared on After the Final Rose at the start of Rachel’s Season. Rachel brought out DeMario and he acted like he didn’t know the girl after he very clearly recognized her. It was amazing. Rachel tried to mitigate the two sides in lawyerly, calm, cool, collected fashion. DeMario kept changing his story and the girl claimed he still had the keys to her apartment. DeMario maintains he mailed them back.
This saddens me. We cannot make Whaboom a thing. We CANNOT. Stand together Bachelor Nation. Be strong.
Best Tweets of the Night: Shout out to these Tweeters for their witty narratives during the show.
“If I never hear whaaabooom again life will be amazing.” – Blake
Next week, the dates begin again and DeMario returns to the mansion to see if he can’t talk his way out of getting sent home. Rachel is keeping it 100, and we find out what happens next week!
“Instead you’ve noticed every part of me.” – Vanessa
Congrats to Vanessa and Nick who got engaged in Finland! Fourth time’s a charm. Or a challenge. We will see!
The Bachelor Finale and the start of The Bachelorette? Well, that’s unprecedented. After the final rose on After The Final Rose, Nick and Vanessa came out to show how rocky their relationship was, but covered it up saying it was “challenging” and that they’re still very much in love, Raven came out to be so poised towards Nick about the breakup and find out she’s on Bachelor in Paradise, and Rachel came out and ABC started her season of The Bachelorette. Bring out the men.
Who got kicked off: Raven went home as Nick said good-bye to our saucy southerner and hallo to our Canadian girl.
Raven and Vanessa met the family. For Raven this was the second time, because back in the beginning episodes she had gone to Bella’s (Nick’s younger sister) soccer game and met the fam. The dates were very different. Vanessa spent all of her date crying…with Nick’s family…after meeting Nick’s family. Just because. Nick’s dad cried. Nick’s mom cried. Nick cried. It was a lot of tears.
Vanessa might have been crying because her date consisted of a sled ride that ended in meeting Santa. Yes, Santa Claus.
Meanwhile, Raven got to fool around on ice skates and play with puppies! Yes, puppies!!
Despite all of the fun that he had with Raven, Nick chose the more challenging, but loving relationship he had with Vanessa.
After the Final Rose
The happy couple came out. Vanessa talked a lot about their relationship and said it was hard, but that they were working through it and still in love. Look at the size of that rock! Neil Lane said it was the largest one he had done. I think that’s the one Nick chose.
Warning this might break your heart about Vanessa. While she is a special education teacher for adults. She’s also an aspiring, or previously aspiring, actress. She has her own whole IMDB page. I feel used.
Raven got a pretty great conciliatory prize. She’s going to Bachelor in Paradise.
The Start of The Bachelorette
Rachel came out looking hotter than ever in a killer jumpsuit. With. A. Cape. Yas queen.
Chris Harrison’s advice to Rachel: “Always listen to the host.” Read: Don’t write me out of the show. Like Nick did. Every episode.
Rachel came out in an all black effin pant suit and cape. She was killing it. She looked gorgeous. A-game. Aaaaand they immediately dragged out a faux Bachelor Mansion backdrop and a bunch of the men. They started her season of The Bachelorette right then and there.
Four men came out for Vanessa’s season and gave their introductions. One of them danced with her. One of them said, “I’m ready to go black and never look back.” Can you say that? I’m pretty sure you can’t say that. Did he just say that? Can you say that?
The dancing man
And another did a magic trick, gave her two tickets to Vegas and pulled out a ring and said, “You like that? It’s all yours.” Umm, yes. This season is going to be good.
They couldn’t shuffle out Nick and Vanessa fast enough. ABC was like don’t look at this challenging relationship for Nick’s fourth attempt, but instead look at this here Bachelorette and all the hope she brings to the franchise!I’m all for it. Let’s pop the bubbly, uncork the wine and bring out Rachel and her men! The remainder of her premiere starts May 22, 9|8c. See you then, Bachelor Fans.
Vacation time’s over, Raquel. Corinne is coming home.
Fantasy Suite dates in Finland have arrived! ABC keeps trying to make us second guess will he or won’t he take the ladies to the Fantasy Suite to make sweet suite love. By now we’ve seen Nick on this show four times. It’s not really a secret.
Who got kicked off: Corinne was sent home in a very rare rose ceremony. Nick called Vanessa last and after he handed the rose out, Corinne broke down immediately into tears. We only cry in the limo ride, Corinne! And in good ol’ Corinne fashion after she entered the limo and finished an interview, she promptly took a nap. I mean Lincoln took naps. Michael Jordan took naps. You do you, boo.
She’ll be fine. Nothing a little cheese pasta can’t cure. I’m sure those tears will be promptly wiped away as soon as you can say Bachelor in Paradise. Finally, next week, Chris Harrison reclaims his glory in Women Tell All. We’ve missed you good fellow.
Andi coming back was a fakeout. She was just a producer ploy that they brought back to have her check in with Nick on how his dates were progressing. No chance these two were getting back together. But they made amends from that time long ago and Andi went on her stylish way.
Raven They didn’t show all of Raven’s date because it was only an hour-long Bachelor episode this week. But we did get enough air time to find out Raven has only been with her previous boyfriend and never had an orgasm. Sooo there’s that. Raven likes to share. Next week we’ll find out how the Fantasy Suite date went for the two of them and see Rachel and Vanessa’s dates.
“With every step of the way you’ve made it easy for me to love you.” – Raven and a hallmark card out there somewhere
Nick’s Finland Sweater
When in Finland do as the Finnish do. Can we all just take a moment to appreciate this sweater? I mean it must be cold in Finland. Just look at Raven’s shoulderless top.
Author’s Note: I still don’t know how to turn off captions on my television. So you’re welcome
Next week is a 3-hour special. First we find out what happens with the rest of those Fantasy Suite Dates and then we bring back the ladies for Women Tell All. So get those wine fridges stocked and ready!
Finally! At long last we meet the true hero of the show: Nanny Raquel. And she is everything. Nick got a fancy new outfit. And Andi Dorfman returned.
Bring out the cheese pasta, it’s time to meet Raquel!
Raven, Rachel, Corinne and Vanessa are the four ladies who received hometown dates. But oh wait, what’s that? Andi Dorfman returned.
Who got kicked off: No rose ceremony. Andi returned. Kristina was kicked off last week before hometowns.
Hometowns! If we thought Nick struggled with planning dates, we weren’t preparing ourselves. The ladies really upped him on that one. Raven took him on a swamp date. Rachel put him through the interracial couple ringer. Corinne took him shopping. And Vanessa took him to everyone she could round up in Canada.
Raven – Hoxie, AR
Raven took him to Hoxie, AR where they rode 4-wheelers through a swamp and almost got arrested by her police officer brother. As a practical joke, Raven told Nick that in Hoxie they tell secrets at the grain bin, which I’m pretty sure if you’re not careful and fall in could kill you quickly. Like suffocate you and stuff. Not sexy. She had him climb up it with her. The police arrived, one officer went to the production crew and the other to Raven and Nick. Nick got visibly frightened and then the officer revealed he was Raven’s brother. Point for Raven!
Raven didn’t say ‘I love you,’ but I thought she said something close to that in a nice way. “There is no hesitation on my end for what becomes of this.”
Raven’s Boutique:Grey || Suede They have some Bachelor/ette-themed items you may want to add to your collection.
Rachel – Dallas, TX
Rachel the adorable attorney took Nick to church and then to meet her family. They talked a lot about interracial marriage. Her family is equally adorable.
Nick claimed he and Rachel “have the most explosive chemistry of them all.”
Nick: “I’m not color blind. I know you’re black.” It doesn’t matter to him because he sees her as a person he’s very much attracted to.
If by now you don’t know Rachel is the next bachelorette you have been actively avoiding all news and I feel it is my duty to tell you. Spoiler Alert: It’s Rachel.
Glamour reports in an interview on Live With Kelly, Chris Harrison let viewers know the reason for the announcement coming so early. He said it had to do with filming schedules for The Bachelorette and giving people enough time to sign up to audition for her season. It was to benefit her, he said.
Corinne – Miami, FL
Corinne dropped a cool $3k on a clothing shopping spree. Corinne also dropped the L-bomb on Nick after a casual lunch date. He smiled a smile of love and kissed her. Corinne’s dad fed him homegrown olives and expensive scotch with thumb indents on the glasses.
Pro Shopping Tip from Corinne: The dressing room is your holy ground.
Corinne to her dad: I love him.
Corinne (not understanding why her dad is confused): We’ve been dating a 1 1/2 months now.
Yup. 3 group dates a relationship makes.
There was talk about Corinne possibly being the breadwinner in the relationship.
The most exciting moment was getting to meet Raquel! Corinne’s nanny Raquel had dinner with the fam and is just truly amazing.
Vanessa – Montreal, QC
Vanessa brought back the scrapbook. She took him to see her special education students and forced them, I mean had them, make ANOTHERscrapbook of her time with Nick on the show. Her students were adorable. Kevin is my hero. They all approved of Nick. She also took Nick to both her mom’s house and dad’s house because her parents are divorced. Her mom’s house had half of Montreal in there all speaking Italian. Her dad’s house was quieter with just her dad and his new wife.
Everyone traveled to Brooklyn, NY for the rose ceremony, including an unexpected guest…
Andi Dorfman Nick’s old lover who chose Josh over him returned and next week we find out what that means.
Fun Fact: Andi was a lawyer. Rachel is an attorney. And Raven went to law school. Common thread, Nick?
Best tweets of the night: These entertaining tweeters.
Do you think Andi came back for Nick? Or to give much-needed advice and guidance?
All of the tears…from Nick. Rose ceremonies, who needs ’em. The world is waiting with bated breath to meet Corinne’s Nanny. And the new Bachelorette is announced weeks early.
The group traveled to Bimini this week! Quick, find it on a map! All of the ladies got very excited.
Who got kicked off: Danielle M. America’s Sweetheart was sent home on a one-on-one. Nick just didn’t think their Wisconsin ties could cut it. Kristina our beloved Russian was also given the boot. Nick had a sit down with Kristina at the house before the cocktail party and rose ceremony that just doesn’t seem to want to happen and expressed how much he loved her, which was why he couldn’t bring her on the next level of Hometowns and Fantasy Suite dates because emotions get heightened and he already felt strongly for a couple other girls. Prior to that, Nick had told Chris Harrison, I want to do it very private, not at a rose ceremony, just in front of the cameras on an open porch bench. Just no rose ceremony.
Raven has a rose going in to next week because she crushed the group date, which involved diving with sharks.
Nick is very stealth at avoiding awkward rose ceremonies. He’s thrown a pool party, sent two people home on a two-on-one date and gone so far as to trek to the house to let someone go before a rose ceremony. Next week we find out if indeed Nick chooses four ladies for hometown dates.
What we learned this episode. New Nanny vs Corinne’s Nanny is gold, A volleyball game has the power to make everyone pout and contemplate life, and Nick really doesn’t know how to plan dates.
Nick is like I refuse to have a rose ceremony. Take that Chris Harrison. No screen time for you.
Taylor came back to talk to Nick and assure him she was not a bully. This did nothing to sway his opinion about Corinne and Nick made out with Corinne in her up-to-there, skin-tight dress as shots of Taylor stewing in the black escalade home were interspersed with the narrative. Just lovely.
The group traveled to St. Thomas!
Who got kicked off: Dolphin Shark Alexis, Jaimi, and Josephine the serenader were the three unlucky ladies sent home at the rare rose ceremony that occurred at the beginning of the episode. Jasmine pulled a Dominique and got sent home at the cocktail hour after the group date because she wasn’t getting enough time with him. Note to self: Do not pull out the Chokey. Awko Taco. Whitney and Danielle L. were both sent home on the two-on-one. Yes, another two-on-one. Danielle L. got the rose on the two-on-one so Whitney was left on the island to fend for herself. But then Danielle L. kept talking about her feelings and dropped the L-bomb and Nick was like I’m feeling like you should go home right now.
And so she did and Nick was left feeling hopeless and uncertain of the process. He went so far as to go into the hotel room and cry to the six remaining girls that he didn’t know if this process was going to work for him. So many tears.
I honestly don’t know how the blooper reel will survive without our beloved Dolphin Shark. You will always have a special place in my heart, Left Shark. Even if you weren’t appreciated in your time.
COrinne’s Nanny earns another week of vacation, Rachel finally gets her one-on-one date, and I still can’t figure out who any of these girls are Aside from the previously costumed Left Shark
The destination this week was New Orleans! It was the site of the earliest two-on-one date in Bachelor franchise history. Rachel got her very own parade. We started with the rose ceremony that was supposed to go down last week. There is so much screen time for Corinne, that unless you are picking a fight with her or getting down and dirty in a bubble bath next to her, I have no idea who you are.
Who got kicked off: Lovely little Sarah and Astrid were sent bayou (Editor’s note: overused pun, blame the wine or Corinne. I feel like she can handle it.) Taylor was sent home on the two-on-one.
One-On-One: First Impression Rose Rachel finally got her one-on-one date with Nick and he went all out. They went strolling around New Orleans, stumbled on their very own parade with props and and a nondescript route so they could be easily spotted by the other girls looking down longingly from the hotel window.
Group Date: America’s sweetheart Danielle M. got the rose on the group date. It was in a haunted house where a little girl was supposed to be haunting it. Nick just plans the best dates.
Two-On-One: Taylor and Corinne I feel like this was deserving of a montage of seasons’ past two-on-one winners: Ashley I. and Kelsey being left in the badlands, Olivia Caridi being left on an island. Kasey and Justin in an ice cave. We should not forget these great moments. And now Taylor and Corinne in the Bayou.Corinne got the rose. But not without a showdown. Taylor was left on the Bayou, got some voodoo water sign courage from the people on the bayou and decided to interrupt Corinne one last time.
Full recap to follow. Until then, enjoy this pithy commentary from tweeters below.
Best Quotes of the Night: These fine folk pretty much sum it up.
Red continues to be the color of the hour, Corinne slept through a rose ceremony and the Backstreet Boys stole every 23-year-old’s heart, which I still don’t understand because I’m pretty sure they were 10. False 3. there is still no sign of nanny.
Nick is falling back on his old ways, having trysts with Corinne while all of the other ladies literally look on with WTF faces. Meanwhile, Backstreet Boys is making a comeback with some sweet moves and stealing every girl’s teenage heart.
Who got kicked off: The blondes – Lacey, Elizabeth, and Hailey went home at the rose ceremony that was supposed to take place last week. This week we were left hanging again, but not before Nick sent Dominique home before the rose ceremony. Do not attack Nick claiming he’s not giving you the time of day. You will be gone. Dominique, have you learned nothing from Liz?
A SHARK DISGUISED AS A DOLPHIN IN HEELS, A SEA OF RED, AND A LOVER FROM THE PAST ARE READY TO KICK THIS SEASON OFF WITH A BANG (but for reals).
Bring in the limos and uncomfortable interactions! Nick is officially off on his 4th journey to find love. Good news. Every girl loves red. Every girl claims to love dolphins in their interviews on ABC.com, yet none can identify a dolphin from a shark. (The heels must be throwing it off.) They are all going to get along just fine.
Who got kicked off: Olivia, Angela the model, Lauren, Briana, Michelle, Susannah, Jasmine B., and Ida Marie are the ladies leaving us on night one.
Bachelors of Season’s Past
They started the show by bringing back Chris Soules, Ben Higgins, and Sean Lowe to give Nick some advice. Fatherhood looks good on Sean. I had no idea why Chris Soules was there.
Most Uncomfortable First Impressions:
Jaimi: Told him she had balls. And then proceeded to pull out her nose ring. That’s not flattering. That’s where boogers live.
Hailey: Hailey told him she liked to go commando.
Hailey: “What do girls who wear underwear say?” Nick: “I don’t know.” Hailey: “Neither do I.” Classy.
Lacey: Rode in on a camel. Opened with “I hear you like a good hump. So do I.” I know people will fight me for this being one of the better introductions, but I stand by my humps!
Danielle M: She brought a homemade gift of maple syrup. She was shaking as she tried to have him taste it off of her finger. As we’ll later find out, she’s a neonatal nurse that lost her fiancé. If you don’t love America’s Sweetheart, you have no soul.
Alexis: Left Shark. Dolphin. Shark. Dolphinark. In heels. A shark disguised as a dolphin in heels. Alexis showed up in a costume. YES, she wore heels with it. I love it. Keeper. Opening line: “I ‘dolphinately’ can’t wait to meet you inside.”
Nope, still a shark costume, Alexis. But you do you. At one point she ditched her heels got in the pool making dolphin sounds. She just makes me so happy.
Sarah: She came in jogging in a gown and running shoes and made an adorable pun, saying, “I thought you might appreciate another runner-up, so I had to run up you,” as Nick has been known to be the runner up for two seasons now.
Best Quotes of the Night:
Sarah when she walks into the party. “Oh my gawd, there’s food!”
Hailey standing next to Alexis in the Dolphinark costume during the rose ceremony: “If I don’t get a rose tonight, I’d be hugging a f** dolphin.” It’s a shark, Hailey. Left Shark.
The Cocktail Party
Dolphin Shark got into the pool and made dolphin sounds. Corinne stole the first kiss. And Doula Liz had a very uncomfortable conversation with Nick about how she thought he wouldn’t remember her. She told him the reason she never gave him her number was because she believed the image ABC had painted of him as a villain. But don’t worry she eased his disbelief with the fact that she watched Bachelor in Paradise and that changed her mind about him. Sooo there’s that. I was sorely disappointed by the lack of tricks or ways to impress Nick by stealing his time.
First Impression Rose: Rachel the lawyer got the first impression rose.
Elizabeth “Liz” already met Nick at Jade and Tanner’s wedding. She was Jade’s maid of honor and she and Nick had sex. Nick had asked for her number and she didn’t give it to him those months ago. SO now Nick is like WTF, but the producers are most definitely like Nick, you gotta keep her on, we need that drama. And Nick is like fudge.
Corinne has a nanny. That is all. Just Corinne has a nanny. For herself.
A great drinking game is trying to name all of the ladies in red. Poor, Nick. He had 30 ladies and more than half wore red dresses night one. One theory is, all the ladies wanted Nick to notice them in a bold red. My theory is the producers whispered things in their ears to tip the scales and then were like GL, Nick! Try to remember the names now!
Best Nick Quote of the Night:
Taylor told Nick during their first introduction out of the limo that her friends said Nick was a piece of sh**. And after that intro Nick turned to the camera and was like, “I can’t wait to meet her friends.”
There seems to be a theme. All the ladies are playing off the fact that Nick is a very sexual person, that he was originally pegged as a douche-bag, and that he’s only ever been the runner up. So that’s fun for him.
Poor guy, I’m thoroughly looking forward to this season! I think it’s going to be a good one.
Best Tweets of the Night
Featuring witty commentary from @EricaKatoTV, @ChrisMFHarrison, @yarnaesthetic and @TheFakeBachelor
Bachelor Brackets Update
Are your brackets destroyed? That’s because apparently I was missing a few ladies with Nick having 30 ladies to his posse.
Download Your Bracket**UPDATED (1/2/17): Bachelor Bracket has been updated: Week one added 3 ladies (taking it up to 22 ladies), Week two added 2 ladies (making 18 ladies), Week three added 2 ladies, Week four added 2 ladies, Week five added 1 lady. If you started playing this means you get to add some more ladies to your brackets and since you had to whittle it down early you already know your true frontrunners. My sincerest apologies, I will drink a glass of wine as penance.
Previews for the upcoming season reveal Corrine trying to get hot and heavy with Nick in his room, Nick crying to the ladies that are left. From these previews it gives the impression Corinne, Raven, Danielle M., and Rachel stick around for awhile, enough to make it through some drama. Until next week, Bachelor Fans.