This week left some unsolved mysteries. 1. Ashley I.’s mascara is still intact even after crying every episode. 2. Britt’s hair looks like she’s modeling for a Suave commercial even though she does not shower. 3. Samantha. These are the things I wonder about.

Things we did learn this week: Ashley I. has her masters degree. Kelsey might be crazier than zombie hunter Ashley S. And Megan’s still dancing by herself.

This week tied together the loose ends from last week’s To Be Continued episode. Mackenzie and Samantha were sent home and the remaining women traveled to South Dakota for a whole new slew of dates, including the epic two-on-one. 

Who got kicked off: Mackenzie and Samantha were sent home as part of last week’s rose ceremony. Ashley I. (aka Princess Jasmine, Kardashley) and Kelsey were sent home on the most epic two-on-one date ever.

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I think most of the tears this season belonged to Ashley I. and I’m going to miss Princess Jasmine.

The claws are out. And it is everyone vs Kelsey. Kelsey faked a panic attack to ensure a rose. As she was having her panic attack, she asked for Chris. Chivalrous man he is, he tried to calm her down. Afterward she seemed completely fine and was even laughing about it to the other ladies. It was weird.

Quote of the Night: “I wanted to punch her in the teeth holder. It’s not about your sad story anymore. It’s about you being a terrible human being.” – Kaitlyn

I like Kaitlyn.

“Samantha had terrible things that have happened to her that have shaped who she is but she didn’t use it to get a rose.” – Becca. I also like Becca.

After the rose ceremony where Mackenzie and Samantha were sent home, the group traveled to Deadwood, South Dakota. 

“I’m with 8 other wonderful charming women…and Kelsey will be here too.” – Carly. I heard a rumor Carly is the next bachelorette. I don’t read the spoilers, but there has been some buzz.

Another weird conversation with Kelsey happened where she felt she deserved the one-on-one because she had worked hard for it. Apparently telling a dude you have a dead husband earns you a one-on-one date. Just letting you know. 

The ladies finally let Kelsey have it. Carly led the battle cry. It just gave Kelsey another opportunity to turn on the water works and go into another diatribe. Something something something. I’m the best. Crazy. Legit crazy. I’m not even gonna let you guys vote on that one, because there is no question. There’s not enough alcohol in the world to excuse away that crazy. So glad she’s a guidance counselor. Run kids!

One-on-One: Let’s give love a shot,” said the date card. Finally, Becca from San Diego got the one-on-one. She must have grabbed Chris’ attention with her sweet mannerisms. “She’s the only one I haven’t kissed,” Chris said. Ah-ha! Breaking her away from the herd huh?

Becca and Chris had an adorable date. They shot cans off of a log. Turns out Becca’s a pretty great shot. They cozied up by the fire and Becca pointed out Chris’ adorable laugh. And they finally kissed! Basically they were adorable together and need to get married asap.

Group Date: Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, Megan

The group date made everyone write their own country music song. Big and Rich showed up to help the gang. You know them from their epic Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy song that you will never be able to get out of your head now. You’re welcome.

Everyone seemed okay with writing their own music, especially Cruise Ship Singer Carly (this is her jam!), except for Jade. Big Kenny took Jade out on a run down Deerwood to get out of her head. It worked because Jade’s song was pretty solid.

Another Awkward Chris Moment: Chris stole Britt away without telling the other ladies and took her to a Big and Rich concert. He had already made things awkward earlier in the day when he had his hands all over Britt while the girls were in the same area trying to write love songs about him. He’s not great with the dating multiple women thing.

The girls noticed there was no rose on the date. That’s because Chris took Britt, who hates country music (and showers), to a Big and Rich concert. He gave her the rose on stage. THEN waltzed back into the group date hand-in-hand with Britt.

His opening line: “How is everybody?”

Nice. Well done, Chris. You have a way with the words. Then he left everyone on the date to duck out. Whitney confirmed that the girls had been waiting for over an hour for Britt and Chris to return. Were you taking another nap, Britt?

Two-on-One: Ashley I. vs Kelsey. Virgin vs Widow in the Badlands of South Dakota. Who will come out on top? Each were weirdly confident.

In the Badlands, ABC had a day bed just hanging out, naturally.

Ashley I. threw Kelsey under the bus, telling Chris Kelsey doesn’t get along with the other women in the house. Chris threw Ashley I. under the bus because he didn’t know how to go fishing for answers. Kelsey played the it’s a difference in maturity card. And threw in a very creepy I know what you did last summer stare for good measure. Your move, Kardashley. Cue waterworks. Just to prove Kelsey wrong, in true mature fashion, she dramatically pulled Chris aside crying. It was then he let her go.

While I’m sad to see Kardashley go, it was time. For the sake of her mascara, she needed to go home. It’s best for everyone.

As Chris explained that to Kelsey back on the day bed, naturally, Kelsey went all guidance counselor on him until he also let her go.

The best part was when Chris climbed in his helicopter and left Kelsey and Ashley I. to duke it out in this wide expanse of land followed by a cut to the ladies back at the hotel popping bottles in celebration of Kelsey’s departure.

Tweets of the Night:

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week5_4Big and Rich were right. There are such distinct personalities, and Chris is bringing them home to Iowa. We’ll see how some of these ladies fair living on the farmland.

Next week starting Sunday is a two day event! Sunday night will be the rest of this week’s rose ceremony and then the gang is going to Iowa!! We’ll see how the girls actually shape up to living in a small town. Sunday 8|7c and Monday 8|7c.

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