I’m not messing with you. This is a real thing. This is weird, right? Kind of amazing, but super weird. Five previous bachelor rejects are coming to Boston for a “meet the bachelors” affair. Not a lot of detail was given on the site. Like do people go? Do they listen to them talk about themselves? Why is it called Fantasy Weekend? Why is it upwards of $67? Do we get to keep them? I have a lot of important, pertinent questions. (And obviously I’m going.)
Date: March 19th, 2016 at 11am EST
Location: The Wilbur Theatre, 246 Tremont St., Boston, MA
I would provide you more information, but very limited details have been published around this, so I shall just provide you with my completely unfactual suppositions behind it. I just can’t quite understand why this is a thing nor the reasoning behind this panel of men. Are these the only ones that would agree to it? Dylan lives in Boston so that’s likely the reason behind his addition to the playbill. Chris Soules most definitely broke up with Whitney very shortly after his Dancing with the Stars stint. Benzi is most likely there to promote his personal training and the fitness company he works for in San Jose. (Sidenote: Please check out these fitness competition photos compiled by US Magazine from Benzi’s Instagram account.) Come to think of it, that could also apply to personal trainer Cody, ready to promote his personal brand. I’m stumped as to why Jared is coming along for the ride. The producers must have convinced him, as some behind-the-scenes footage from Bachelor in Paradise indicated the production crew team seemed to really enjoy Jared’s company. Did he dump Ashley I…again? I don’t know why they’re calling it “Bachelor Fantasy Weekend” when none of these leading men would be my ultimate fantasy bachelor panel. Ben might be the only one that would make it to my laminated list of five men card. Maybe Cody. #ThatSmileTho
Is anyone going to this?? I need to know. Is this a thing? What are they going to do there? But really, do we get to keep them? Book those plane tickets now. Work on your marriage proposals. I’m sure this one will sell out. Not likely.
The Bachelorette Season 11 (aka the season it all went to hell in a handbasket) is almost upon us! There was some confusion following ABC’s After the Final Rose on how exactly this was all going to work. Here is what we know:
1. ABC doesn’t even know how it’s all going to work. They were just like we have to make an announcement so let’s just be as vague as possible and hope it all works out. Drink up, America!
No, but really. How it’s going to work is night one the 25 guys will mingle with both ladies and then vote on who they want to remain as the bachelorette. What is still unclear is what happens to the men that voted for the rejected bachelorette. Does the winning bachelorette just turn every date into a search party for the ones that didn’t vote for her? Because now that would make great television.
I think this is a stupid idea and a way for The Bachelor to keep ratings up. That said, you know where to find me Monday night, May 18th 8|9c.
[SPOILER ALERT] I did it, I read Reality Steve. If you don’t want to know who the new bachelorette is do not read further.
No for reals. Skip ahead.
Ok, I warned you. Now normally I don’t condone spoilers, but this time I was gonna blow a fuse if Britt made it to be The Bachelorette, and I really had to prepare myself for what season I was about to enter into, because let’s face it, it’s an empty threat if I said I would boycott the entire season. I’m too far invested in this. But you can save yourselves. Never fear, though, Reality Stevehas informed us that Kaitlyn is in fact this season’s bachelorette. Reality Steve also revealed that Britt will play a part in some capacity.
The Men: ABC has revealed the cast of which 25 dudes got roped into signing up for this train wreck season. There is the token dentist, a singer/songwriter trying to make it in this lonely world, and a few bajillion personal trainers. The best profession this season, though, might have to be a sex coach, whose favorite holiday is, shocker, Valentine’s Day. Probably big business around that time. Get to know Shawn E. here. The best part is that he’s not even a sex coach, sex coach. He’s a self-proclaimed amateur sex coach. So you’re not even getting the best of the best here.
Congrats to Chris and Whitney. May you make lots of babies.
Who got Kicked Off: In a not-so-surprising turn of events, Becca was sent home.
Chris had his final dates with Becca and Whitney and the family got to meet both of the ladies. Momma Soules was all ready to welcome in another daughter.
Whitney went first. She came in with hugs and enthusiasm a plenty. She made a toast at dinner and cried and talked a lot and cried some more. She told Momma Soules she was ready to call someone mom and dad again. Whitney lost both of her parents.
Becca cracked some jokes and couldn’t express how she was feeling to Momma Soules. She also couldn’t express how she was feeling to Chris. Chris kept asking her if what she was feeling was love. And she kept saying, “I don’t know,” because she had never been there before and had nothing to compare it to. Basically, it came down to that she thought she was falling in love with him but was unsure if she was ready for a proposal and committing to Iowa. Chris is 33 and ready to lock it down.
Chris proposed in his barn that he’s had forever. It actually looked very romantic decked out in candles and lanterns. Becca came first in a red velvet dress. Chris let her down and I don’t think she cried once in the limo on the way home. Whitney came next in a long blue, banging dress. She started talking a lot. Then Chris finally got to get in a few words and propose.
Whitney is all ready for the baby wagon. After Chris proposed she told the camera. “We’re gonna make some babies. They better be freakin’ cute.”
Chris’ response: “F*#k yeah.” Cue dolphin laugh.
After The Final Rose
Jimmy Kimmel made another guest appearance and gifted the happy couple a cow named Juan Pablo. Becca showed no emotion when seeing Chris since the breakup. Whitneyrevealed she hasn’t watched a single episode of the season aside from a couple of their dates. Ashley S. is still playing coy about coming on The Bachelor in Paradise. I think she’ll be there. Will you watch?
And they announced the next bachelorette(s).
The Bachelorette Announcement
Because ABC couldn’t make a decision, they’re having two bachelorettes. Kaitlyn and Britt will duke it out as the next Bachelorette(s). I don’t think ABC has even figured out the details. From my understanding they are going to have 25 guys meet both ladies night one and then the guys will all vote on who they want to stay as The Bachelorette. But who knows, because maybe ABC will keep both. Because this season there have been no rules and apparently ABC is going to keep rolling with that.
I’m pissed. #TeamKatilyn. I think Britt is an attention hog. At least Kaitlyn was honest with her answer when Jimmy asked her how she felt about it. She said, “Well, it’s not ideal.” Britt has just smiled and perfected the hair flip. What are your thoughts, Bachelor Fans?
Tweets of the Night: I was excited to see parody accounts @BenFlajniksHair and @ScarfofJosh back on the Twittosphere live tweeting #TheBachelorFinale.
This episode was just one big free for all. Chris Harrison was like, “There are no rules!” Do whatever you want! You want to twerk in the bathroom? You twerk in the bathroom. You want to ride around on tractors in your bathing suit? You ride around on tractors in your bathing suit. You want to go around and kill zombies. You get those zombies.
Who got kicked off: Technically, Kimberly was supposed to go home last week. But she came back, Chris gave her a second chance, and politely let her go a second time. Alissa the flight attendant, Jordan our resident twerker, Tandra, and Tara are out.
Chris informed the girls that other Chris would be living in close quarters, easily accessible just down the road, convenient for late-night rendezvous.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have our first spies. Jillian and one of the blonde chicks (Megan) do what any respectable Bachelorette contestant (or girlfriend in general) would do and snooped through Chris’ stuff while he was on a date.
Group Date: Trina, Alissa, Tracey, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashley S, Juelia, Kaitlyn, Brit
And the first date was…a pool party of course! I don’t know why I was so surprised by that. The sooner they can get the gang in bathing suites, the better. And why not keep them in their bathing suits for, you guessed it, a tractor race down the streets of LA. Because that sounds fun. Tractors are not fast vehicles. Ashley I. won the snail race and was rewarded with some one-on-one time with Chris.
Quote of the night: “I’m more Kardashian than I am country.” – Ashley I.
Mackenzie got some one-on-one time with Chris as well. “I think it’s sweet in a way,” one of the girls said in reference to Mackenzie getting one-on-one time while the rest of the ladies went back to the mansion. No you don’t. Don’t lie. Our single mom, Mackenzie, was able to tell Chris about her son. She also was able to let Chris know that she likes dudes with prominent noses and aliens. These women are really rocking the first date talk.
Chris: “The fact that she’s talking about aliens on the first date does raise a few red flags for me.” Just a few, Chris? And he gave her the rose on the date.
Meanwhile back at the mansion…
Jordan is twerking it and drunky drunk all day long. Open bar!
Juelia is telling her sad story and reveals she’s the second widow. Reminder: Kelsey is the other one.
One-on-One: Chris took Megan on a helicopter ride to the Grand Canyon where she revealed her father had just recently passed away. She also revealed that there’s not a lot going on upstairs.
Second Group Date: Chris took them to kill zombies with paintball guns. And this is where Ashley S. has a break with reality. She went World War Z on the town, shooting zombies already on the ground, walking out with purpose in her step and crazy on the brain. She also awkwardly interrupted Chris’ interview with the producers and gave profound life insight: “You don’t want to lose the whole world, but you don’t want to gain the whole world.” I really think something just wasn’t clicking in her brain. But good news, he kept her around, so we should find out more next episode!
On the group date Chris stole some one-one-one time with Brit, the one he gave the first impression rose to and locked lips with the first night. Chris gave her a “gift.” Ladies, this is not a gift. If a guy gives you a note that says, “Free kiss from Chris to Brit,” give it back. You know what’s a good gift, Chris? Earrings. Flowers. A trip to Mexico.
They made out. But that make out session did little to secure Brit a rose on the group date. The rose on the group date went to…Kaitlyn with the tricep tats.
The number of times Chris has called Kaitlyn a firecracker:2
At the cocktail party
Ashley I. reveals she is the virgin Chris Harrison told us about. Surprise! She’s also, apparently, a genie. She had a two-piece, Jasmine-from-Alladin looking dress on with a belly button ring and told Chris he got 3 wishes if he rubbed. her. belly button. ring. That’s weird. His wish is for them to make out. Because that seems to be the only thing on his mind. And by make out, I mean Ashley is going to swallow his face. Princess Jasmine, Kim Kardashian, a genie, a virgin – I’m just so confused on what to believe.
Most Embarrassing Moment of the Night: Actually, maybe in Bachelor history. Jillian thought Chris called her name at the rose ceremony. He didn’t. Well, Jillian started making her way toward Chris and tripped on the carpet. It was amazing. Also, my question for the group. What does Jillian bench press at the house? Tables? Small children? The other ladies?
Tweets of the night:
Tonight, January 19th, Jimmy Kimmel makes an appearance on The Bachelor!
Turns out there are second chances on The Bachelor. Feel free the next time you’re rejected by someone, you just say, “Nah, that’s not gonna work for me. Immagonna stay.” Worked for Kimberly. Chris kept her around for one more episode before letting her know, nope, yeah you really gotta go.
Who got kicked off: Kimberly the yoga instructor (who was technically gone last week, but didn’t really leave, so I’m not really counting her), Alissa the flight attendant, Jordan (who shall now be deemed drunkie #2), Tandra (Tandra, who?), and Tara (drunkie #1) all took Alissa’s flight outta there.
A full recap will follow later this week. Until next time, Bachelor fans!
Chris contemplatively sitting on a Harley in a leather jacket overlooking his corn fields of hard work and sweat, the only thing missing a wife to share it with. Amurica.
I had so many oversights before the show. 1. Did not realize it was a 3 hour event. 2. Did I mention it was a 3 hour event? And WHAT a red carpet? Is this real life?
In true ABC fashion, they tried to suck air time away with a live red carpet event interviewing Bachelor/ette rejects and successes in unflattering ensembles. It’s the worst and yet greatest addition to the premiere. Now that they actually have success stories to parade around, they can make it into an even more produced event. I think Bachelor contestants are learning. The more love that you find, the more camera time you get (and the larger the rock!). We saw Andi and Josh, Sean and Catherine, Nikki and…oh wait. And good ol’ manfamewhore Chris Bukowski lurking in the background like a bad New Year’s Eve countdown where you’ve waited all day to make it on camera and strategically shift positions as that son-of-a-gun Jenny McCarthy starts her interviews and blocks your good side.
Who Got Kicked Off: Redhead out. Going home tonight were Amanda, Bo, Brittany, Kara, Kimberly, Michelle, Nicole, and Reegan. Here’s a tip. Don’t bring a human heart on the first date.
Flight Attendant Alissa had a cute one. Thankfully this made up for her painfully cheesy extended intro The Bachelor did in her hometown or on a plane rather. She brought a seat belt, told him it was for his safety, and wrapped her arms around him to buckle him in.
Cruise Ship Singer Carly came out with a handheld karaoke machine and a bubblegum pink dress she borrowed from her 12-year-old niece. Sorry, 6-year-old flower girl.
Freddy Kruger Reegan came out with a cooler and a human heart. (She claims it was fake. I’m not so sure.) A cadaver saleswoman? You sell dead peoples’ skin? That’s a thing?? And even if it is. Don’t lead with that. Hi, I sell dead people.
Tara came in in some sexy-fine daisy dukes, legs for days, and plaid shirt, saying she was a country girl at heart. Chris was intrigued. It was perfect! Then she went back and ruined it by putting on a fancy dress and hopping back in the limo and making a second impression. Then she made a third impression, really effing up Chris’ mind, taking home the title of the token drunk. He doesn’t know what to think. Quit confusing him. He has 30 other ladies he’s trying to keep track of. Let’s play 50 shades of Tara. Except switch out shades for states and I think that’s already a show. And I’m pretty sure Kaitlyn has the other covered.
The Twist: Only 15 girls arrived, then they made it seem like those were all who were coming. The cocktail ceremony started and the first impression rose was handed out. Then the others came for a total of 30 girls. Mackenzie is our token single mom! And Kelsey is our widow. Seems random. But you’ll be glad I helped categorize these ladies for you.
And now for the awards
Winner of Where’s the Rest of that Dress? goes to…Brittany! – It’s like a really trashy realty tv version of Gone With the Wind, but instead of drapes, her dress is made of doilies, and instead of being rejected by Clark Gable, she’s sent back home by Millionaire Farmer Chris to continue her training as a WWE diva fighter. (True story. That’s her occupation.)
This was a close call between Brittany and Tara, but Tara just had so many other nominations – Best First impression. Worst second impression. Most drunky. Lucky the Producers Convinced Chris to Keep Her…
And let’s talk about the girl who brought the human heart (ahem, Reegan). Wtf?
Best Comment of the night – Tracy in reference to the fact that there were 30 girls salivating at the chance to grab some one-on-one time with Chris. “The strategy is not to let him come to you.” I like when they talk strategy.
Although, I suppose strategy is better than talking about onions. Or pomegranates.
These are the ladies you should watch out for.
Jillian – And not because I think she’s a frontrunner. But because I think she could take you dowwwwn. Tenacious is an understatement. The hulk is more accurate. She’s a TV producer and can apparently bench press more than most of your guy friends.
Britt – Because I think she is a frontrunner…maybe by the fact that she got the first impression rose and that they had an intense make-out session by the fire immediately thereafter on night one. Just a guess.
Kaitlyn – He called her a firecracker. Which to be fair she was wearing a red dress so i can see how that would be confusing. She had birds tattooed on her triceps and makes a joke about a tight seal and everyone awkwardly laughs.
Whitney – Whitney is a fertility nurse. You can find her by the high-pitched squeaky voice and dogs traipsing behind her. Sorry, not kind. But kind of true.
Ashley S. – Because she’s legit crazy. Which reminds me…
It’s time to play Drunk or Legit Crazy? Today’s episode includes, Kara, Crazy Eyes, Firecracker Bird Tats, Reegan, Tara and Kimberly. Cast your votes below.
If you’d like to nominate a girl for “Drunk or Legit Crazy” please let me know in the comments section and I’m sure we’ll have more later this season.
Then things got weird. I got super confused by Ashley S. who started talking about onions and pointing to imaginary onions asking the camera to zoom in. Then she picks a pomegranate. Um, yeah. I got nothing.
Mackenzie brought water colors. I love all the throwbacks to kindergarden this episode. Carly with her dress and Mackenzie with her artwork. They should have snack time with Tara. It looks like she could use it right about now.
The Cliffhanger! Kimberly the yoga instructor decided she need to go back in after she had been rejected. Kimberly…Kim…Kimmmm. Don’t do it! Don’t go back! Harness your zen! Do. Not. Go. Back. In. She’s going back in.
Boom. Cut to the season’s previews, including a little rendezvous in a tent that seems to send all the ladies spiraling out of control.
22 ladies are left, and a bajillion cornfield jokes await us, Bachelor Fans. Get Alissa to buckle you up; this season is going to be a good one. Starting with finding out what happens to Kimberly.
I have to say I’m pretty excited for this season. I don’t know if it’s because Juan Pablo has set the bar so low, but Chris could be the seemingly wholesome All-American boy The Bachelor needed to get it back on track.