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This episode was just one big free for all. Chris Harrison was like, “There are no rules!” Do whatever you want! You want to twerk in the bathroom? You twerk in the bathroom. You want to ride around on tractors in your bathing suit? You ride around on tractors in your bathing suit. You want to go around and kill zombies. You get those zombies.

Who got kicked off: Technically, Kimberly was supposed to go home last week. But she came back, Chris gave her a second chance, and politely let her go a second time. Alissa the flight attendant, Jordan our resident twerker, Tandra, and Tara are out.

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Chris informed the girls that other Chris would be living in close quarters, easily accessible just down the road, convenient for late-night rendezvous.  

Ladies and gentlemen, we have our first spies. Jillian and one of the blonde chicks (Megan) do what any respectable Bachelorette contestant (or girlfriend in general) would do and snooped through Chris’ stuff while he was on a date.

Group Date: Trina, Alissa, Tracey, Jillian, Becca, Amber, Ashley S, Juelia, Kaitlyn, Brit

And the first date was…a pool party of course! I don’t know why I was so surprised by that. The sooner they can get the gang in bathing suites, the better. And why not keep them in their bathing suits for, you guessed it, a tractor race down the streets of LA. Because that sounds fun. Tractors are not fast vehicles. Ashley I. won the snail race and was rewarded with some one-on-one time with Chris.

Quote of the night: “I’m more Kardashian than I am country.” – Ashley I.

Mackenzie got some one-on-one time with Chris as well. “I think it’s sweet in a way,” one of the girls said in reference to Mackenzie getting one-on-one time while the rest of the ladies went back to the mansion. No you don’t. Don’t lie. Our single mom, Mackenzie, was able to tell Chris about her son. She also was able to let Chris know that she likes dudes with prominent noses and aliens. These women are really rocking the first date talk.

Chris: “The fact that she’s talking about aliens on the first date does raise a few red flags for me.” Just a few, Chris? And he gave her the rose on the date.

Meanwhile back at the mansion…

Jordan is twerking it and drunky drunk all day long. Open bar!

Juelia is telling her sad story and reveals she’s the second widow. Reminder: Kelsey is the other one.

megandateOne-on-One: Chris took Megan on a helicopter ride to the Grand Canyon where she revealed her father had just recently passed away. She also revealed that there’s not a lot going on upstairs.

Second Group Date: Chris took them to kill zombies with paintball guns. And this is where Ashley S. has a break with reality. She went World War Z on the town, shooting zombies already on the ground, walking out with purpose in her step and crazy on the brain. She also awkwardly interrupted Chris’ interview with the producers and gave profound life insight: “You don’t want to lose the whole world, but you don’t want to gain the whole world.” I really think something just wasn’t clicking in her brain. But good news, he kept her around, so we should find out more next episode!

On the group date Chris stole some one-one-one time with Brit, the one he gave the first impression rose to and locked lips with the first night. Chris gave her a “gift.” Ladies, this is not a gift. If a guy gives you a note that says, “Free kiss from Chris to Brit,” give it back. You know what’s a good gift, Chris? Earrings. Flowers. A trip to Mexico.

They made out. But that make out session did little to secure Brit a rose on the group date. The rose on the group date went to…Kaitlyn with the tricep tats.

The number of times Chris has called Kaitlyn a firecracker: 2

At the cocktail party

Ashley I. reveals she is the virgin Chris Harrison told us about. Surprise! She’s also, apparently, a genie. She had a two-piece, Jasmine-from-Alladin looking dress on with a belly button ring and told Chris he got 3 wishes if he rubbed. her. belly button. ring. That’s weird. His wish is for them to make out. Because that seems to be the only thing on his mind. And by make out, I mean Ashley is going to swallow his face. Princess Jasmine, Kim Kardashian, a genie, a virgin – I’m just so confused on what to believe.

Most Embarrassing Moment of the Night: Actually, maybe in Bachelor history. Jillian thought Chris called her name at the rose ceremony. He didn’t. Well, Jillian started making her way toward Chris and tripped on the carpet. It was amazing. Also, my question for the group. What does Jillian bench press at the house? Tables? Small children? The other ladies?

Tweets of the night:

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Tonight, January 19th, Jimmy Kimmel makes an appearance on The Bachelor!

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