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TEARS, TEARS, AND MORE TEARS. I TOLD YOU WE COULD DO BETTER. OLIVIA’S MOUTH IS NOW PLASTERED ALL OVER THE INTERNET, POSSIBLY WINE BOTTLES. INSECURITIES ARE RUNNING RAMPANT, STARTING WITH Jubilee ENDING WITH Lace.

Who got kicked off: The ones with red X’s were sent home. Lace voluntarily took herself out of the running because she had to work on herself, and she most definitely didn’t want to be pegged as crazy. (Fun fact: Bachelor Live tells us there’s an offer for her appearance on Bachelor in Paradise.) Jami and Shushanna got the boot.

Bachelor-Board_BenHweek3

New Role: JoJo now has a new role as house therapist. Poor JoJo, she had to listen to two crying sessions last week, the first one being Caila.

Caila: “It’s just hitting me that I could potentially have my heart broken if I fall in love with him. I don’t want to be guarded, but I’m acknowledging the fact that it’s gonna be hard. It’s hard to have an open heart when you see that it could be broken.” Yes, that was a long quote. Yes, you’re welcome.

One-on-One: Lauren B., the flight attendant, got the plane date. Lauren was visibly nervous. The internet was quick to point out the flight attendant was afraid of going on a plane date. Okay, FIRST OF ALL, she probably rides on the cushy jet liners completely enclosed with a bar and those fold-back seats. Not a mini death vehicle, twisting and turning for stunts and certain to fall apart in the sky. So leave the flight attendant alone. (Full disclosure: I was going to pick on the flight attendant too, but it’s more fun to take her side.)

You’re welcome, Lauren B.

After their flying stunt, Lauren B. and Ben went in a hot tub in the middle of an open prarie. Literally nothing around them. Just them. Chilling in their bikinis. Yes, Ben, too. No I lie, he had swim trunks on, but it was so out of place. And not sexy. And they showed a fart scene that was supposed to be funny and it just wasn’t. I was going to save this juicy bit of information for the end of the post, but I can’t. Ben H. was on Juliet Litman’s Bachelor Party podcast and they talked about that hot tub in the middle of nowhere date! Here. Listen here (10:40). I’ve given you the start time and everything. Ben is surprisingly thoughtful about the whole approach to participating in The Bachelor. He has a pretty mature, well-spoken outlook on how best to approach the show. It made me fall in love with him. Watch out, Bachelor ladies. ALSO, we learned what Ben’s tattoo says and the hilarious story behind its existence.

Ben’s Tattoo: If you’ve been paying any attention to the plethora of half-naked hot tub dates in fields and spa shops, you know that Ben has a script tattoo that wraps around his left rib cage. The mystery is solved. He got it in college. It’s a Bible verse: “Commit to the Lord in whatever you do and you will succeed. Proverbs 16:3″ Except that it doesn’t read Proverbs 16:3. The tattoo artist accidentally put 16:34 because he mistakenly went over the numbers indicating the lines of the tattoo. Ben didn’t even notice until his friend looked at it and asked him what Bible verse it was supposed to be. Ben went back to the tattoo parlor and they covered it up with a cross. To listen to the sweet sounds of Ben Higgins voice (and hear about a crazy drug deal he stumbled upon in Miami that got him on Beach Patrol Miami) tune into to Channel 33: The Bachelor Party. This is now my morning commute. I don’t know how I didn’t listen to it long ago when it was Right Reasons.

At dinner, Ben H. opened up to Lauren B. that his dad had heart problems and triple bypass surgery, but is doing well now. Ben gave Lauren B. the rose and they had a private concert by Lucy Angel in a barn. I have no idea who Lucy Angel is.

Side note: When Ben gave out the rose he said “my rose” instead of “this rose,” and I thought that was weird. Maybe because my mind reverts to an inappropriate Friends reference. But I still think it’s weird.

Most Uncomfortable One-on-One: Jubilee got the second one-on-one and things got super uncomfortable. Jami described it as “Awko Taco.” I described it as wonderful. And fellow Tweeter Andrea Laventhal begged for Awko Taco not to become a thing. The big controversy was that Jubilee asked if anyone else wanted to go on her date. Not great. She also was really insecure and awkward on the date. I was uncomfortable from the couch watching from afar.

At dinner, we found out more about Jubilee’s past. She was adopted from Haiti and is the only surviving member of her family and wrestles with some guilt from that. She sat on Ben’s lap and more tears ensued. It was sweet. It was a lot for a first date.

Group Date: Yay more soccer. They split the girls into teams: Stars and Stripes. Of course the twins were placed on opposing teams. And were actually pretty good at the game.

Best Quote of the Night: The best quote of the night goes to Kindergarten teacher Lauren H. with this gem: “I have zero ball-handling skills.” Yeah. I’m not surprised.

Rachel on the Stars team gets injured and the Stripes team swooped in to win the game. Olivia on the Stripes team was smug. No one saw her cankles. So now I’m going to have to rewind and pause the DVR to find this, because Possessionista’s search for the cankles also came up empty.

Ben went to check on Rachel. She was fine, but had to go home with the rest of the losing team, while the Stripes went on to the after party. I’m always boggled by the fact that the ladies seem surprised that that is the repercussion for losing, the fact that you return to the mansion and don’t get to go on to the next part of the date. That happens literally every time they split the ladies into teams. That’s how the competitive group dates work. I’m confused.

Another Great Quote of the Night: “Perfection is so lame.” – News Anchor Olivia on the subject matter of her fat toes.

Amber also struggled with her confidence this episode. She went in for a kiss with Ben then shrunk like a violet. She’s gorgeous and her confidence level is like negative 10. I’m out. Ben was fine with it. He gave her the rose citing she took the time to get to know him better.

Cocktail Party: At the cocktail party Ben prefaced the night with the fact that two of his close family friends just passed away in a plane crash. You would think this would spark some sort of empathy or okay let’s take it easy on him feelings. Incorrect! Instead it just looked like he got put through the ringer. 

His family friends just died. And everyone wants to cry. I have cankles. The other girls hate me. I didn’t get time. Dear lord, they are going to pull him a part.

Ben’s Talk with Olivia:

Ben: Two people I love died in a plane crash.

Olivia: I have cankles. They wrote blogs about it. I feel your pain.

I’m probably obligated to tell you that that’s not how the exact conversation went, but that it’s actually my interpretation and summary using some creative liberties, but I’m not certain that’s entirely true. It was a pretty awkward talk.

Lace: When they finally all sat down after what felt like a tidal wave of emotions at what is supposed to be a cocktail party, Lace stood up and pulled Ben aside. She let him know she also had cankles and had to leave. Just kidding. She talked about her tattoo and said it was best she left.

Lace’s tattoo reads: “You can’t love someone else until you truly love yourself.” And another one bites the dust. That’s almost an average of one a week of ladies leaving voluntarily. I volunteer as tribute! I’ll take Lace’s place.

Bachelor Live:

Lace appeared on Bachelor Live. She picks JoJo as best for Ben. And let’s us all know, “I’ve been making a lot of progress on myself and I’m really proud of it.” There is an offer for her to appear on Bachelor in Paradise. That sounds like an awful idea for her. Amazing for television viewers, but awful for her.

Tweets of the Night: These tweeters caught my eye.

Screenshot 2016-01-18 22.14.41 Screenshot 2016-01-18 21.37.55 Screenshot 2016-01-18 21.14.14 Screenshot 2016-01-18 21.09.17 Screenshot 2016-01-18 20.38.49 Screenshot 2016-01-18 20.30.29 Screenshot 2016-01-18 20.29.46

Jade and Tanner’s wedding date has been announced! They will tie the knot on ABC on Valentine’s Day.

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