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Where is the love? No, but seriously, where is the love? Jordan and Jenna are the only love Birds of the season Engaged And the Internet is Out to Get Them.

We should just skip to the good stuff, because sh*t hit the fan after Paradise and this is what you need to know.

The Hero of Paradise is obviously Venmo JohnHe went on the most dates, had the most kisses and left happily, after having had a wonderful vacation in Mexico. I bow down to his wit and wherewithal. Well done, sir. Well done. Olivia got mad at him at the live show because he was talking to Chelsea at the same time he was facetiming with her. Like girl, you spent one day together and maybe another hour. He is not committed to you. That was obvious when you both left Paradise before the Fantasy Suite dates. Ain’t no reason to be mad, Olivia. He didn’t propose. You do you, Venmo John. Never forget, Venmo John.

Jordan and David Update:The pair made up now that Jordan is all happy in love and they survived Paradise together.

Kevin and Astrid: Kevin and Astrid broke up before the Fantasy Suite Dates. Well, Kevin broke up with Astrid because of his insecurities. He regretted it later and they kept talking a little. At the after Paradise show, he apologized in person and asked her back. Her trust was broken, but due to some Chris Harrison finagling and questioning they came to the conclusion that they both love each other. And to the overwhelming happiness of Bachelor Nation fans everywhere, Astrid and Kevin posted a surprise Instagram and Twitter photo of Astrid in Canada with Kevin watching the after Paradise show, showing they were still together after it all! Yay!

Tia and Colton and The Bachelor: Tia wishes Colton well on his Bachelor journey and says she is happy for him, and no one understands why. Colton has no idea what he wants. Anywho, Tia and Colton are on their own paths.

Krystal and Chris: Chris proposed to Krystal on Bachelor in Paradise and post-paradise he met the two doggies that are most important to Krystal and they went on their merry way. The most important takeaway from their relationship is that their MOMS are completely identical – in personality. Definitely sisters from another time period. Like just look. Also, fun fact, once Chris proposed he called his mom and told her he was engaged and showed her Krystal. His mom’s response, “Is that Krystal?” in a judgey way. Yes, judgement was present, I assure you. But now they’re besties, so yay.

Chris’ mom (left) and Krystal’s mom (right) bonding.

Krystal (in a white wedding dress) and Chris on After Paradise

Krystal’s Rock shaped like an egg…from a Goose

The proposal – Krystal and Chris

The walk-off – Krystal and Chris

Goose Fans on After Paradise wearing Chris’ signature Goose Bandana. I would just like to point out that Goose dies in the movie Top Gun. He’s not the greatest character to emulate. Just saying. Loved Goose in the movie, but his ending wasn’t great. Not the best choice.

Kendall and Grocery Store Joe Kendall broke Joe’s heart in Paradise the night before the fantasy suite dates. She realized what mistake she was making and that she did care for him. She flew out to Chicago (with a camera crew in tow) and asked to be taken back by Joe. And Joe was like dude my trust has been broken. And America was like yeah Grocery Store Joe, preach it! He ended up taking her back and they are doing the long distance thing from Los Angeles to Chicago. Kendall was like, “Wow, I could be running away from some of the best things that have ever happened to me.” Homegirl in the audience was like, YUP, preach sistah.

I also have this in GIF form here and here. You’re welcome.

Chris Harrison said he had the solution for Kendall and Joe’s affliction and I was like, ‘Yes! He bought Grocery Store Joe a grocery store in Los Angeles or a Trader Joe’s!’ But nay, Chris Harrison did the complete opposite of that. He got Joe a spot on Dancing With the Stars, the show where Bachelor relationships go to die – take Chris Soules for example, or Nick Viall. The worst possible thing! Plus, you just know he’s going to get kicked off week one. Terrible idea, Chris Harrison. I’m disappointed in you.

Kamil and Annaliese Kamil is the biggest buttmunch we already believed to be true. My thoughts are he needed a sure thing in Paradise to get a little booty and then he hit the real world only to drop Annaliese to get other booty. Not only that, he pulled an Arie and broke up with Annaliese at the after Paradise live show, to her complete blindsided chagrin. Kamil and Arie are probably out having fancy drinks in NYC together talking fancy things and laughing about the way they dumped their exes on national television. The worst.

Annaliese left the stage and cried backstage. Backtrack to at the proposal in Mexico in Paradise, Annaliese told Kamil that she saw his soul after only a few days? First red flag. At the proposal, cut to Annaliese: I want more than anything for him to propose and we can get on to the future with babies and a wedding. I’m so ready. Cut to Kamil: I think that we need to take this slow to make it work outside of Paradise. Cut to Annaliese: I completely agree. Ummm, no you don’t, Annaliese, no you don’t. Second red flag. This had to be a sign they were not on the same track.

After Annaliese left the stage, bawled her eyes out backstage, and returned with fury letting the audience know they had booked an AirBnB together two days ago and that she had sent flowers to his mom and that Kamil wasn’t trying. Later, Kamil and Annaliese sat down together in the back studio and Kamil tried to explain his non-sensical reasoning that he just wasn’t feeling it and he wanted to do it in person in front of a million people and a live audience. Balls. He was like, “I think we need to slowly part ways.” Ummm, girl run.

This breakup was what prompted Tia to point and say supportively, “Yes, bitch, yes.”  One thing Annaliese said was, “When they (meaning the other person in the relationship) end it in a crappy way it’s better because then you can hate them, you know what I mean.” Yes, Annaliese, yes. Also, her catch phrase needs to be “You know what I mean?” All she wants is to be married and it is APPARENT. Like sirens and bells and lights going off all around her. Girl needs to chill. Love will come. Just don’t be cray. You can’t say the signs and red flags weren’t there.

The walk off – Annaliese and Kamil

Jenna and Jordan asked Chris Harrison to officiate their wedding on June 6th, which I can only assume is the premier of Bachelor in Paradise Season 6.

The walk-off – Jenna and Jordan

Jenna’s Ring

Jenna looking Hollywood glam fine

The Proposal – Jenna and Jordan

 

Also, there have been allegations that Jenna does not in fact love Jordan and it’s all a falsehood. But to be honest it doesn’t sound like her and Jenna Cooper is getting her lawyers on the case. E! Online has the story. And here is Jenna’s post from Instagram.

Wells and Yuki Wells and Yuki were the bartenders of the season. As we’ll remember Wells is dating one of the daughters from Modern Family (Sarah Hyland). For reals, she reached out to him on Twitter and they’ve been dating ever since. They’re super weird, you should follow them.

Best Quote of the Night: John when he was in the car with Olivia on the way home after Paradise and the seatbelts kept getting stuck and not working. “The universe is against safety right now.” That kid.

Tweets of the Night: Solely from Jenna Cooper and her fans in support of her relationship and vision board with Jordan. #longlivethenameTucker (Backstory: Jenna adores the name Tucker and Jordan despises the name Tucker when they were talking about what baby names they would choose.)

Chris Harrison is still awesome and this season of Bachelor in Paradise was suuuuper interesting. And I think the only real love that blossomed from it was Jordan and Jenna, not sure about the others. I’m setting the countdown on those…

As you can see all of the things hit the fan. Good thing we have a few months to recover because The Bachelor starts January with Colton as the bachelor.

In other news, little Bekah Martinez is preggers with a baby with her boyfriend Grayston Leonard and was super mean and posted a photo with other Becca (Becca Kufrin) about being pregnant and no one knows who is who and that’s just confusing, but I dug around for you. Little Bekah (one on the floor) is in fact the expecting mama.

View this post on Instagram

My baby is having a baby 💗

A post shared by Rebecca Kufrin (@bkoof) on

The Bachelor starts in January! Until then, Bachelor Fans. Keep a look out for a podcast coming soon to a station near you.

Also, Castaway is a thing that is still happening. Learned a little more about it, in that you either wait to get off the island by the rescue team at an unspecified date or you quit. So there’s that. That and the Proposal recaps are coming quickly at you. Well, not Castaway because I still don’t get it. But Proposal recaps of who is still together after proposing to a person after one hour. Their Instagram has some updates on who is still together and who called it quits. Good stuff. Happy viewing, Bachelor Fans!

 

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