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And so it begins!! The first night of The Bachelor Season 18 with Juan Pablo is here! Cue a million gringa accents trying to pronounce his name all sultry, and 27 awkward introductions. That’s right 27! Not 25. The response for Juan Pablo as the Bachelor were apparently pretty darn good, so they figured why not tack on a couple extras and see how it goes. I’m pretty sure that’s how “free spirit” Lucy got past casting.

Who got kicked off: And then there were 18. Gone are the crier, bangs, and red (aka lady in pink), plus like 6 other girls ABC just decided not to show on the exit interviews, which left me scrambling to remember which ones were left. Many thanks to Coming Up Roses for their list and lightening speed recap. The following are the ones still standing. The one’s with red X’s were gone night one. Womp womp.

Bachelorette-Board_JuanPablo_week1

The introductions: We had the random ride in on a piano on wheels (Lauren the music composer who was just a bundle of nerves), the fake pregnant lady (Clare the hair stylist) because that’s always a great first impression on a dating show. I’m carrying someone else’s baby. Surprise! – the barefoot hippie who calls herself a “free spirit,” (and proceeds to put her free spirit feet on Juan Pablo for their first interaction. How she has a rose still perplexes me.) – the soccer-playing, cleat-wearing tomboy Alli – and the nurse who brought a stethoscope and had Juan Pablo listen to her “heart.” Mmmhmm, yeah, that’s what he was looking at, deep into that low cut heart of hers. (Sidenote: Well played, Nikki, I’m putting my money on you this season. Do not disappoint me.)

Quote of the Night: Juan Pablo had some interesting conversations this time around, but one of the best quotes of the night might have to go to Amy J. aka Bangs.

“I’m here for you because it’s you.” That’s just…so…profound.

I lied. Quote of the night might have to go to Blonde Chick #10 for this beaut:

“Juan Pablo having a photo booth in the mansion just shows that he’s fun and goofy.” What. Wait. What. No. Fun and goofy…and doing what the producers set up. C’mon people really? You think he put that in the house? You’re better than that! Negative points. (Sidenote: A photo booth in the mansion is pretty frickin’ fantastic.)

Houston, we have tears. The token crier this season goes toooo…drumroll pleeease…Lauren H. There’s always one that can’t handle the stress the first night. This time the title goes to Lauren H. (Sidenote: I’m disappointed in the lack of a token drunk this season for night one. Usually you get one that just can’t handle all of that flowing champagne.) Lauren also wins for Worst Pick-Up Line Ever. My fiance, who I was living with at the time, dumped me…like just 2 months ago. Plus, I was gonna be the stepmom to his kid. It’s like a whole big thing. Here are ALL OF MY INSECURITIES, ready go. Juan Pablo looked beyond terrified. So weird how she didn’t get a rose.

But you know who did get a rose, the girl who looked completely thrilled to be there. And by completely thrilled, I mean she looked like she would rather be at the dentist office, getting a cavity filled, without Novocain. So naturally she gets the first impression rose. I’m talking about Sharleen, who pauses and then drags out a hesitant “Suuuuure,” when Juan Pablo offers her the first impression rose. Dude. If you don’t want to be there, girl, pack it up. We have 27 girls this season and Free Spirit waits for no one.

Awkward moment of the night: You know how sometimes you think someone is calling your name, but really they called someone else’s name who’s sounds nothing like your name? Well imagine that, but in a room of dead silent ladies sending death rays at every girl who gets a rose. (Shout out to Bachelor/ette commentator extraordinaire, Micha, for her accurate description of the ladies as they watch him call out names. “I love the ‘die bitch’ looks.” Nailed it.) Well, Kylie thought Juan Pablo had said “Kylie,” when in fact he had said “Kat.” And then things just got real uncomfortable. Because Kylie made it almost up to the shell-shocked Juan Pablo, who had to stop her and let her know he didn’t call her. Eesh. TV gold.

Between the bajillion teachers, blonde ladies, and a few characters, I think it’s going to be a good season.

Anyone want to take a shot at predicting the winner?? Micha (Bachelorette commentator extraordinaire) is taking Andi. I’m leaning towards Nurse Nikki. (Even though, I’m pretty sure my loyalties should lie with Elise, because I’d like to think we Elise’s should stick together, I really have no faith in her.) Anyone else who you think definitely makes it top 3? Holler at me, Bachelor Fans. I’m still getting caught up on all of the bios on ABC.

 

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